Mark's Diary

1 January

Another New Year, spent basically alone. At my age and spending New Year with my parents, and I am getting stuck going over to the Jones's house again for yet another one of those annoying turkey curry buffets that they throw every year. I suppose I'll survive it to make mother happy, but, why did she have to request that I wear this ridiculous jumper she gave me yesterday? It has a damn huge reindeer on it. Uh! It is a nice color, but, I'm a barrister for pity sake. Mum really loves me but, she always seems to buy things for me like I am still eight years old instead of 36.

I will endure all of the goings on today, if for nothing else than for her. The Jones's have been her friends for some years. And it was mum that helped me through all the mess and heartache that bloody Daniel Cleaver caused in my life. Oh, I wish I could just get over all that. It has been a long time ago. But, it still hurts, just somewhat less. I figured another woman might come into my heart by now. That doesn't seem to have happened. Maybe because I have gotten so guarded with my feelings, it never will.

Mum calling me, better get downstairs and head out. She doesn't like to be late. Fashionably early, so old time, but proper to her generation.

2 January

What a disaster! I was introduced to Miss Bridget Jones, Pam and Colin's daughter. Well, reintroduced. I was so embarrassed with that jumper on and Pam had to interject that she (Bridget) ran around naked on our lawn. I LIED to her and said I didn't remember. I actually do. It was my eighth birthday party. I was actually kind of shy then too, but I remember her. She was all of four and she took off her dress. Not exactly exciting or shocking for the ages we were. What was worse, I think her mum got that awful outfit for her to wear. She looked like she was wearing a carpet or draperies or something. And she is not a very good conversationalist, to say the least. Then I was so damn rude. ME, of all people. Putting up my defenses, I disparaged her to my mum and I know she heard me. Bollocks! I had actually thought she was kind of cute and quirky. My head wanted to get to know her, but my heart turned a cold shoulder.

5 March

I don't know why I did it!!! I asked Natasha, from work, actually law partner, out! A DATE. Haven't been on one for a while. Why did I do that? Am I that lonely? Well, just dinner on Friday, maybe a movie. NOTHING else. I am not really that attracted to her, but, I suppose it will be company. I miss that. It has taken me a long time to realize. So why am I settling?

I keep thinking about B. Jones. Wonder what she is up to and where she works. I remember mum telling me at the "buffet" that she lived near me. But, after the disaster I made of that night, I am too ashamed to try and find out anything more about her. Even though something is telling me to go ahead.

9 March

Oh, God. The date..what a joke. Natasha went on and on about herself and then she went into cases we are working on. I also figured out she is a bit self centered and haughty. After the movie I took her home and she wanted me to come in for a "nightcap." I wasn't willing or able to do that. Not with her, no passion, no attraction really. I begged off, making the excuse that I was leaving to visit my parents very early. I'm not a very good liar and I think she knew. I'm not sure I cared if she did know.

18 April

I believe if my year continues on it's current course, I may be a case for a psychiatrist. I went to that book launch as a favor to Natasha. {yes, I am actually "going out" with her, though I really don't know why. I guess I just needed the companionship and the sex. I'm not even sure I like her as a person. She talks "work" too much. Yes, she seems to like me, maybe too much there perhaps, but, I don't know how to ask her to leave. In any case, I guess I have "settled" for whatever I could find} It was boring, as I expected, but, I got more than one total shock for the evening. FIRST: I was just there, holding up a wall and drinking when up pops Bridget...My BRIDGET (oh, I wish). She actually looked very nice, sexy frock and all. She mentioned she missed my reindeer jumper. So what? I deserved that one. I got more than stupid and introduced her to Natasha with the thoughtless comment about her running round naked in my paddling pool. I am positive she liked that intro. What was I thinking? Then I turn round and see CLEAVER!! I was boiling, but I hope it didn't show. I don't know how long I glared at him, but he got out of the room quickly....for a time.

Next they had Bridget introduce this man from her work, to get the book launched. She struggles so badly for words, I felt for her and my heart started to melt a bit. I hadn't felt that way for such a long time. I decided to try to apologize to her for my past transgressions. I waited a bit. Then anger and frustration. As I was just heading over to her CLEAVER stepped in. I suppose I won't have a chance like this again. Perhaps I am destined to be stuck with Natasha.