Blood From Stones

23-24 September

"So what are you going to do Diane, not go?"

"I haven't the inclination or the energy. I'm here. I'm in Italy. It's the only place I'm supposed to be for two weeks. I don't want to go hopping all over Europe."

"But don't you think you owe them....."

"I don't owe anybody anything. Damn, haven't I done enough, given up enough of my life for?"

I stopped short of saying anything else. I would only make it worse. Instead she did.

"Look what it's gotten you Diane. Look where it's gotten you. Look who it's gotten you."

"Not fair. Not in the least."
"Be realistic kiddo. If you hadn't written those stories...ok, books, you might never have seen him again....ever."

"I don't believe that. I can't believe that."

I was starting to get a little hot and it wasn't from fever. I had always placed us being together as fate. If I chose to accept her mild implication it would destroy that theory. It would go right out the window.

"I thought you were of a like mind when it came to this."

"You know I am, but it's the writing that made it all come together, isn't it?"

"Not exactly no. I met him before I wrote my books."

"No, you wrote those other stories, you set up the website. That was the beginning of your souls connecting this time around. Well, my opinion anyway."

I rolled over and put my pillow on my chest. She was right and I knew it. I still didn't want to go to London. It was a total interruption in my plans. I'd had so much of that the past few years I wanted just this once for things to go my way. How I'd laid them out, without someone dictating where I had to be and when. Then I realized it already was a mess. This was supposed to Thom here, not Pattie. A romantic get away, not a girls holiday. I rolled back onto my stomach and peered up at Pattie.

"I take for granted you have no objection to my leaving you here for a couple days. Means we'll miss the opening night of the jousting."

"No, you'll miss it. I, on the other hand, won't"

"You'd go without me?"

"It's not like I'm going far. We're on the main town square for God's sake."
"I know."

"You say I can't go by myself?"

"Course not. Just something else ruined."

"So you're going then?"

"Well if I can get a flight out I am. I'm resigned."

"And do I get a guess at the main reason for this dreaded decision that you just had to make? That you were so decidedly against and now your worried about flights?"

From the evil grin that came across her face I knew what she was baiting me into. I wasn't taking it. She may be assuming Colin was the cause. Sure it was a most amenable reason to want to find myself in London, but the chances of my seeing him in the whirlwind of the next forty-eight to seventy-two hours this trip over the channel would be was almost zero. So it wasn't exactly zero, but the odds were so stacked against it that I didn't even pause to think on it. I threw the pillow at her and got up to retrieve my laptop.

"No."

"No I suppose not. Don't have to fathom an opinion. It goes without saying."

I resettled on the bed in a mild huff.

"Pattie, I'm not going to see him you know. Odds? Heard of them?"

"Oh don't be mishish. If you have to sign crap for the DVD, wouldn't he?"

"Get off it. He's had plenty of chances to do so, as have others. For all I know they did it during production. I don't see, nor am I particularly into dreaming up ways to meet up. It's just not practicable. And I won't go out of my way to make it happen."

"Oh sure."

"Christ he's home. I'm not going off to Chiswick and track him down......for any reason."

She sat up next to me and looked over my shoulder at the screen.

"Too bad he moved eh?"

"Meaning what?"

"You couldn't if you wanted to."

That did it. I slammed my computer shut, got up and walked away. I turned around and pointed my finger at her and started chastising like I was a teacher or something,

"Get over it. I'm going there against my will, more or less. It doesn't involve Colin and it sure as hell doesn't concern you. So get over it, I have. Now if you don't mind I have to pack whatever I have to pack and then you need to drive me to Terni to catch the train."

I huffed off to pack feeling ambivalent about what I'd just done. I had a right to be mad at her implications and not. No doubt seeing him would be wonderful, but I knew I wouldn't and I was, in fact, only going for an afternoon of verbal spillage- hashing over my story for all the world to laugh at. I just felt it was a bigger joke about to happen. I was never very good reviewing anything and now this. Ugh.

"Sorry Pats."

"Ah, it's okay. So what time you need to get the train?"

"I don't know yet. I didn't quite get a flight booked there before...well, I better get that done. And I need a hotel."

"Not the flat in Knightsbridge?"

No...not. He doesn't have it any more. And I thought I told you I more than likely won't see him anyway."

"Whatever you want to believe Di. I'm not going to argue the point any longer. Go book your stuff and let me know."

I could have picked any number of hotels to stay at. I could have stayed near the flat. I chose familiar. I asked for a particular room. It had been available and they had accommodated my whim. I knew how to get everywhere from here, but I had no desire to go to any of those places. It would be fruitless and futile to make the attempts. Five years on the Radisson hadn't changed, the room hadn't changed. Okay, so the bed linens were different, new TV, otherwise nada. Having started so early in the day made it possible for me to be here at a decent hour. I had basically nothing to do with myself and the only activity I foresaw at all was dinner. I had, in effect, left too many idle hours on my hands. I could have taken a later flight over, not afforded so much time to do nothing. At the time I had thought I would go somewhere, do something. I had taken the last of my medicine and I was back to healthy, but now I had no inclinations. Being here and not being with him...well, it just brought me down. Why go places that would just be reminders and bring myself down further?  I'd one thing and one thing only to accomplish. I was to chug over to ICM and pick up the papers I needed to peruse and take with me tomorrow. Was this really some place I wanted to go? To be seen? Now? Not. Did I have a choice? Not. One could only hope Kit wasn't there still. He had been as late as Saturday. It was only Tuesday, it was probable that he was still here. Maybe I'd be lucky and he was keeping bankers hours and would be gone by the time I got over there. Maybe they had left the packet at the front desk. Oh..Cindy. Did she still work there? Most likely. She'd been there this long, why leave? I could walk. It wasn't that far and that would waste more time, get me there later. Then again, what was the point? They knew. I wasn't in any position to change the fact that I'd been plastered on paper worldwide. Nothing much got past anyone at that company. And Kit? Exactly what did he know now? What did he know about that night? What had he gotten out of Colin? Anything? Everything? If he had done so, had he been advised to curtail whatever was? In the end, did it really matter anymore? It did.

I sat back in the only comfortable chair in my suite, put my feet up and started browsing through the pages of standard releases and other nonsense I had to agree with. I'd grabbed a few things at the closest market on my way back. Things I could whip up here in the room. I'd eaten, I'd run my one errand, I was relaxed, it was only seven. I was biting my nails and willfully holding myself into the chair. I was antsy and I knew why. I wanted to go somewhere and not and I still had all this time on my hands. Fortunately I was actually starting to get a bit tired. I was, after all, still in recuperative mode body-wise. It had been a tough five days physically, not to mention the somewhat mild mental anguish. I put my head against the back of the chair and covered my face with the papers. I knew as soon as I had done this I wouldn't have any problems if I went to bed at this very moment. It was already dark anyway. I could sleep in; stay tucked in the bed tomorrow as long as I wanted and I probably would. Immediately, as if I didn't expect something to break my reprieve someone knocked on my door. Here I was relaxing into what would be the first, best rest I was going to have had in almost a week and some idiot from the hotel wanted something from me I was ill prepared to dish out. This was turning into a nightmare of people wanting what I didn't have to give. I was supposed to be on vacation for God's sake. I threw the papers off my face, flung my feet around to get me facing the entry gate to my temporary abode, stomped over there and pulled the door open with force and without looking.

"What now?"

Then I saw.

"Colin why are you here and how did you find me?"

"I heard you were out of sorts. Any better? Only one hotel I imagined you'd stay at. It wasn't hard."

"Oh, right. And I'm better thanks. Wait, how did you know I was sick in the first place?"

"Is it very important to know the facts."

"Not really. Did you want to come in?"

"Are we alone then? Your friend, is she about?"

"Um...no, she didn't come with me. But..aren't you supposed to be with your family? What are they going to say? This isn't good. For you to be here I mean and could you at least look at me?"

"I've something I have to tell you...can we sit down?"

He wasn't looking at me as he passed by and walked into the living area then over to a window peering out on the skyline.

"I thought you said you wanted to sit down."

"Perhaps not."

He didn't turn to acknowledge my statement as he put his hands on the sill. He was kind of leaning over like he wanted the window to extent further out, then he stepped back so that he was almost half bent, looking down at the floor.

"I've something I need to explain. No, more than one thing. It's only right you know."

I wasn't liking the tone of his voice as a lump started to form in my throat. And I knew what had transpired just moments ago had also been revealed on the flight over from New York. Only this time it was all too real. Did I want to know what he was going to say? I was convinced not.

"Colin? Do I want to know? If you're going to tell me this is it, I'd rather you didn't say so. That you just walked away. Truth be told it may have been better you hadn't shown up here at all. I'd have managed much better I think."

In one motion he stood up and turned around but still kept his focus anywhere but on me.

"Christ no. Not at all."

I felt the stress fall out of my shoulder blades, but not completely. I wasn't about to relax yet. He hadn't, nor had I given him the chance to, revealed anything. The reason for having tracked me here in the first place.

"Would you mind to sit down then?"

"That bad?"

"I believe so."

There was only one thing worse than his breaking it off and that couldn't have happened, could it? Oh shit, the photo, the spin. And he still wouldn't make eye contact.

"Are you going to look at me?"

It appeared he tried but turned his head at the last minute. Then he started pacing. I hated pacing, it was just another ominous signal.

"I presume you saw the photo."

"I did. More than once."

"Oh, I wasn't aware it was sent twice."

"Jeezus, you don't know?"

"What I know is that I did you a horrendous injustice four days ago. I did something to you that I had no right to do and in the end you would be more than justified to be angry over."

This was not making sense. As far I knew nothing had happened to me in this muddle that hadn't occurred to him.

"I don't see.............."

"Let me continue, please I have to...this has weighed on me."

"Colin, I want to hear what you have to say, but would you please come over here and sit? Whatever it is, I want you near me, is that okay?"

"I...feel so despicable for what I did."

"You know, whatever it is can't be so horrible that you can't sit down. You made your way here, you came in. That's a start...finish it. Just tell me."

He took one of those long deep inhales, let it out and sat across from me on the sofa. His head was still down, but his eyes were fighting to give me a look. I put my hand on his chin and lifted his head. He no longer had a choice where he had to set his gaze. His shoulders slumped.

"Friday...it all came down Friday."

All I could think of was the Premiere, but I had a suspicion he was going to reveal more about the spin.

"I had the Premiere to go to. Anderss rang me and asked if I could pop round to his office. He dragged me into a closet for God's sake. He threw that damn photo in my face, wanted explanations. I made something up."

He looked at me now like he was trying to gage a reaction. I sat back and stared at him. This was a problem to him? He was worried about this?

"That's all? You came here with your tail between your legs for doing what you had to do?"

"Don't you see? I lied. I lied to cover my ass."
"And mine."

"Stop it, it's not that straightforward. I lied about everything. Diane, I denied you............us. Five years of my life, of yours."

Was this a shock to me?

"I'm sorry, I can't take it back. I don't know what to do. Least of all what to do to make it up to you."

This was ridiculous. This was an intelligent human being. Where was he coming from and why did it bother him so much?

"Colin? Look at me. What the hell are you talking about? What did you think you could have said to him? Did you want to reveal our affair, set the record straight? Good God. You had no choice. Kit was trying to get blood. I wouldn't have expected you to do any less than you did. There never has been intention or keenness for the world at large to know anything about our relationship, other than what they already know and that's too much."

"You're angry."

"Of course I am. But it's not you. Everybody wants a piece of you, a piece of me. They got a piece with that damned picture. They don't have to get anything more. You can't get blood from a stone. And all they want is blood. I imagine you've known that for years. I don't want you ruined, or me ruined or us ruined. You did what you had to do. And part of what you did was defend my integrity, that was honorable, not loathsome."

Okay now he'd lit a fire under me. I stood up and stomped my foot.

"Look at me dammit!"

I was sure it was actually more hormonal than out and out anger.

"The concern is not what Kit knows, the concern is the newspaper article. Did you see it? Did you read it? I'm over there on vacation. You're supposed to be there. And why aren't you, by the way? Oh never mind. The article's the issue."

"The Los Angeles Times retracted. What do you mean you're over there? Have I missed something?"
"Oh fuck Colin. Get on the same chapter. I told you I had seen it twice. Pattie grabbed a paper in Rome on Sunday as kind of a souvenir, you know. It was in there."

"Christ."

"You didn't know this did you?"

"What did it say?"

"It had something about us being seen together too much. Kit did a nice spin below it, which I imagine was contrived from what you told him. Rome...Colin."

"I heard."

I didn't have to go any further into my concerns. He knew exactly what they were. We sat down and talked for a few minutes as he tried to gage how he would handle this when he joined his family. I settled back into the sofa where I had been before. He moved over closer to me and pulled me into his side then picked my chin up with his hand so that I was staring into those damned eyes again.

"I'll make it right. You'll see."

I shook my head as he finally leaned down and kissed me. I had already waited too long for this. It was reassurance. It was what I needed, for now.