On The Home Front

9 September

"I can't believe they did this to you. We just got back from vacation and now you're going away? And two months?"

"Di, I didn't ask to be sent."

"I know."

I flopped onto the couch and crossed my arms. I wasn't happy with what was about to happen. We had plans. He'd gotten extra time off and now they were fucking with us. I stayed silent and vulnerable to getting more and more pissed. Thom just stood there in front of me. I was certain he didn't know what else to say. I was steamed and wasn't sure I should carry it any further, but I did.

"Italy? Ring a bell? Shit!"

"I didn't forget. What do you want me to do, tell them no and lose my job?"
"Sounds good to me."

"You can still go. I know you planned this for story research."

"Damn it Thom. There are two sets of plane tickets. We rented a suite because we were both going. Remember?"

I stood up. I wanted to throw something...anything. Instead I clenched my fists and stomped up and down.

"Not again. Not now!!"

I was convinced he didn't know what I meant by that short statement just by the lack of facial response. He came across as perplexed by it, so I was absolute in my conviction it had gone over him.

"We've been around and around on this. You're starting to not make sense. I can't handle it. You're just over-reacting."

"Am I? Two months. You're going to be in BFE China somewhere and I'm......."

"You're going to fucking Italy. Maybe you'll run into old brown eyes, sans family."

"Fuck off. Don't even go there."

"Truth hurt?"

Why that statement came out of him now was beyond me. I was now angrier than before, if I could be. But I didn't help the situation any. You know you are prone to statements you don't want to make when you are absolutely livid.

"He doesn't go to Italy in the fall and he doesn't go alone anyway."

"Why don't you call him up and invite him then? I'm sure the two of you could conjure a scenario to get him there without scrutiny. That way the damn suite will have the double occupancy."

He didn't give the opportunity of a retort to the stingers he was sending. I watched as he stormed off and jumped as he slammed the bedroom door behind him. It shook the whole wall as wood met wood. I fell back onto the couch. I wasn't about to cry, couldn't. I was already cried out about the situation. I jumped again as he jerked the door back open and yelled out at me. "I'm not going over there to play seek and find. I'm not looking for another part of me, unlike some people I know." And slammed it back again.

Would that I could defend myself here. Sure, I could point out that I hadn't gone to England to seek out Colin. I had gone on a genealogical hunt. That I met him and the subsequent events had taken place, that we had connected, had 'found' one another was all coincidental, but it would all go for naught. It was never something I could defend to him, even if he seemingly knew it would happen one day and had come to accept it as inevitable. Then again, he was the one that has always said we'd meet, wasn't he? I had always put it off as a pipe dream. He had always said dreams to reality....you make it happen. Had I? Had I forced the issue of finding great grandmom's family as a way to get to Colin? No. I would never believe that. I was convinced I'd never meet him. I hadn't had the thought in my head when I went over there. Regardless, this argument was getting old. We'd been round and round on the business trip for a week. It wasn't going to change anything. He was going, that was a given; and all we had done was fight about it over and over again.

It wasn't like we hadn't been down this road before; though for the most part we continued on with our lives as if none of the events of the the past five years had ever taken place. Inevitably it was an impossible thing to even attempt. Thom insisted I keep everything as it is in my office. How can either of us say that it is not constantly on our minds when the whole lot about him was there - glaringly so - bigger than life, in that room?  I had let it be known more than once that I could quite easily remove the posters, the pictures, the magazines, books and movies. He'd only ever asked why, to what purpose? It was a part of me and my life. He was right. It didn't change the facts of the situation one iota. And I more than sometimes wondered if he was storing up for some final blowout to US one day.

Even if I removed Colin, Colin was still there. The books I'd written, the movies...they were out there now as permanent and constant reminders. Perhaps that was why Thom said what he did. It didn't matter if I had the stuff around or not. I was semi-famous now and irrevocably linked to him.

I grabbed a pillow and pulled it into my chest as I slumped further into the couch cushions. It wasn't just the trip to Umbria that had me going eight rounds a night here. It was the book tour and the Music Fest. We were going together. He hadn't been on any of my tours and we always went to the Music Fest together. Had every year since it's inception. All those cool groups that were going to be there this year; Coldplay, Ryan Adams, Keane and Oasis were even coming. For the book we were just doing the big markets this time, no small stuff...LA, New York then London. The last one just two days interrupting the stay in Italy. I was going to jaunt over to the isle and then back again. All fucking ruined. I'd done too much on my own already. Messed up enough lives by being on my own - independent - as it was. I didn't want to do it alone anymore. I wanted Thom with me.

I was startled by the bedroom door being yanked like it was coming off the hinges.

"Hey, I didn't mean to.....I know you didn't plan....look, I'm sorry."

I turned around unable to see who I knew was standing and lost for words.

"I know. I'm just.  I wanted this so much....you to be with me. Don't want to go alone anymore."

Before I could finish a soft, strong hand was taking mine and squeezing gently.

"Maybe you can get one of your friends to go with you?"

"Where? San Gemini?"

"On the tour, the fest, whichever you want. Hate to waste the tickets and flights and rooms and......"

I didn't let him finish as we headed towards the bedroom, door still intact. This time it was closed slowly.