Ambivalence

5 June

I threw the envelope and ran up the steps out to Alamo Plaza.  I wouldn't say I was angry, that would be too subtle.  I'd been enduring insults to my personage.  No more.  No more scenes.  I wasn't referring to just the movie either.  Injured and close to breakdown emotionally from the 'performance' for the cameras, the remarks I just heard had made it absolute. And he'd just stood there.  I was suddenly just furious and resentful.  Another set of pages?  Another scene?  I didn't want to do anymore.  Wasn't what I had done already demeaning enough? As I walked (fast), fuming, I turned a corner, I stopped short as I found myself standing at The Majestic.  I hadn't intended to come this way - past where he was staying - yet in spite of that avowal here I was.  Damn.  I quickly removed myself from the stance and continued on around the next corner where I became aware of sounds of someone running behind me.  It was the distinct reverberation of dress shoes against pavement.  You know how that sounds.  I didn't stop to take much notice.  I didn't want to know who it was or if whomever it was, was coming towards me from behind.  I focused straight ahead and continued on the 'path' leading towards my hotel and a reprieve.

"Diane!  Wait!"

Damn it! He'd followed me. I didn't want to see or talk to him, or anybody.  I'd have enough.

"Hey!"

I stayed resolved.  I didn't stop.  I didn't reply.  I didn't turn back to look. It was more than inevitable that he would catch up to me.  I hadn't made it easy. He put a hand on my shoulder but I quickly jerked away from him.  Then he grabbed for my arm.  I yanked free once more and took a step back from him and walked away towards my hotel once more. 

"Could you wait a bloody minute?"

He ran a bit and got in front of me, blocking my route. He took hold of both my arms in a slightly severe grasp. I glared hard at his face and gritted my teeth behind closed lips.

"Let me go, damn it."

I tried to free my arms without much success.

"Why are you so het up?"

"Het up?  You haven't seen het up from me yet, but, you're getting realistically close to it."

"Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"No! I, as a matter of fact, don't want to. It's not worth the effort anymore."

"What is your problem?"

"My problem?  You are the problem.  You have been for, oh, almost three years.  This just finishes things then, doesn't it?"

I stopped struggling and loosened my facial expression as I added, matter of factly:

"I'm tired of being played by you. I've had enough.  We're done.  Go find someone else who's head and emotions you can mess with.  I won't do this anymore."

He let go.  I held back any tears that may have been trying to force their way out of my eyes.

"It's been wild but the ride is over."

As I started to walk away again I remembered the movie.

"The new script pages?  Find someone else to do the part.  I'm sure they'd enjoy that last scene.  I'm going home."

He wouldn't let it rest.

"I know you heard what they said."
"I know you do.  Thanks for helping out there.  Made me look good on that."

"You've got it wrong. I......."

"What? You couldn't reply or defend me because of our history?  Or couldn't you decide whether I was a good fuck or not? And therefore you were unable to expound on that?"

"Damn you."
"Please, don't get all remorseful on me."

My attention and our conversation was diverted by the sound of more footsteps.  I could see someone else approaching.

"Ken?  Jesus Christ Colin, here comes the infantry."

"Hi, thought I might be able to track you two down."

That's all I needed was his showing up too.

"This is really becoming quite enough, both of you.  I'm going.  Have a nice life....."

I tried to turn and leave again.  This time Ken grabbed my arm.

"Look. This has become a bad habit.  It's a wonder I still have a left arm."

Neither of them appeared amused by my remark.  I hadn't intended it to be at all funny anyway.  Ken lightened up his hold and started in on me.

"They want you back on set."

"No...I don't think so."

He looked at Colin, then me.

"You haven't told her have you?"

Colin gave a resigned, hard momentary look.

"I've not had the chance."

Now I was a bit confused as to what Ken was making reference.  I wasn't about to go back there, under any circumstances.  In that I would be unyielding.

"He decked him."

"Excuse me?"

"Colin decked him."
"What do you mean decked? Decked who?"

"The fob with the mouth back there.  Got him square in the face. Damn good punch. Knocked him flat on his bloody arse."

Admiration, astonishment, pleased and completely amazed.  I'm not sure how the feelings going through me now could be described.  He had defended my honor after all. I stole a look at Colin.  He had turned toward the street, his back to me.  He had his hands in his pockets and his head was down. I glanced over to Ken in an attempt to clarify or verify the accuracy of the facts in his proclamation.  He coyly re-acknowledged the facts with a feigned one hand as a fist slamming into his other.  Then a faked backwards falter. It was funny how he mimicked the episode I'd apparently missed....much to my dismay.  I would have loved seeing it.

"Thank you for that, Colin."

He answered, "sure," but didn't turn around.

"In any case, it seems I missed the better part of the conversation."

Ken quipped, "It was certainly fun to watch."

This finally got a response from Colin.  "It wasn't fun, it was necessary."

"Was it Colin? I'm not so persuaded that I was worth flattening someone."

"He deserved it.  You don't talk about someone like that...that you...you don't know.  That you've never met, never talked to or been in company with."

He finally came over and joined me and Ken.

"You didn't hear, he wouldn't stop, even after you'd gone.  It wasn't right.  I couldn't bear it any longer.  I don't know what possessed me.  I just let into him."

I was close to being unable to say anything.  That he had done thus much may have clued people in to our 'relationship'.  Then perhaps not.  I glanced at him and then to Ken.  I let them do the talking to each other and to me.  I just didn't know what to say.  I was tongue-tied.

"Ken here didn't do badly either."

"Oh?"

"Well, we'll have to give him his share in this."

"Ken?"

He gave an English bow and pronounced, "yes, I must admit I kicked him when he was down."

"Did you?"

"Ah, yes.  It was the least I could do."

"Colin?  Did he?"

"Yes, well....."

Ken continued the story as I listened to the tale.

"Someone had to pull Firth off of him, so I did.  The kick was just for good measure."

"Guys, this is all too much.  I mean, good lord, how that must have come across to everyone."

Ken looked at Colin and shrugged his shoulders.  "We had to defend our lady's honor."

Our lady's, why had he put it that way? I wasn't his lady and I categorical wasn't, in actuality, Colin's. All of us, all three, were aware of the restrictions and facades we had to put forth to others.  All three. One too many.  I began forming more questions I wanted answers to.  Questions for Colin and questions for Ken.  Totally disconnected from each other. The answers would most likely either have to wait for another time or never be answered at all.

"Gentlemen, I am almost at a loss in how to thank you. It's very late. I want to get back to my room."

They wouldn't let it go as Ken began talking.

"They really want you back at the set. You too old boy."

"Why? I don't see any reason to go back there."

"I can't say, Eric just asked me to retrieve you both."

Colin put his arm around my waist.

"Come on then, let's see what they want, shall we?"

"Are you serious?  You're going back there after....?"

"They applauded."

"Who applauded?"

"The other blokes in the group and a few others that were standing nearby."

"Oh, swell."

The three of us headed back towards the set.  Colin had his arm around me. Ken walked slightly ahead and kept a small distance between us.  It actually felt awkward that he did so. As we approached the steps that lead down to the set Colin stopped and talked to Ken.

"Would you mind if......"

"No, it's alright. I'll go on ahead and let them know you're coming."

"Five minutes, ten tops."

I don't know why, but the look he gave us seemed wounded.  I didn't say anything as he left us alone on the street. I watched as he walked away.

"So, did you want to talk about something privately?"

"No, not really."

"Oh? So why did you send Ken off like that?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know.  A brush off, I suppose."

"I didn't intend it to appear like that."

"Hmm.  So, what did you intend then?"

"Just a few moments of your time is all. I mean before we face the hostile environs below.  I'd rather wanted to ask you if, um, you wanted to..."

"What?"

"To.. a, try that scene again.  Would you mind?"

"Scene, which scene?  Ah, oh yes that.....well.  No, I don't mind at all."

I can say I had mostly recovered from the 'incident' after I found out that my honor had been defended.  I had yet to fully recover from the heat he had raised on the set.  My umbrage with him had always come from the salacity on one level or another, hadn't it?  Otherwise, I knew there would be no justification for my behavior when I was in his company. He pulled me into him.  More than into his arms.  I could feel the personification of his manhood pressing into me as it had more than once before. I knew nothing more than sensual intricacy was about to  happen on this quiet street, but it was lovely all the same. He kissed my neck, then my cheek before finally landing the familiar passionate endearment.  My mania was returning.  This time I wasn't keeping full control.  I slowly lowered one hand and freed his extremely attentive body part. If he was surprised or delighted I couldn't tell nor did I care.  As he pulled my jacket off I heard a throat being cleared.

"Uh, oh, sorry, they want you to come down if that's convenient.  They want to wrap this up for the night."

It was Ken. How embarrassing was that? I mean, it wasn't like he didn't know, but he'd never actually been around at any time when our relationship took these turns.  Oh, he was there for the scene, but that was different wasn't it? This was a bit unnerving.  Not enough to the point of killing the ardor that we had been building. We would just have to temper it for now.  We had before. Colin, in an attempt to look semi-composed to leave, pulled his shirt out to hide an obvious obtrusion, it didn't help much.  Then he fixed the pants. I put my jacket back on and shook my hair a bit in a futile attempt to fix it.  Neither of us was having much success. I took my foot and slammed a heel down onto Colin's unsuspecting ped.

"Fuck me, that hurt. What the bloody hell are you doing?"
"Solving a problem.  Did it work?"

The three of us looked at one another and had to laugh.  It broke some tension and had accomplished the intended goal of my action.

"Seems so."

"Good, shall we go then?"

As we walked down the steps and back to the area of the set, no one spoke.  There was complete silence.  I didn't like it. Everyone had their eyes on us, when Tim walked over to me.

"So sorry about all this mess. What that chap said was totally out of line."

"Thanks Tim, but you needn't apologize, you didn't do anything. People are who they are and we can't change that.  Some unfortunately never learn discretion.  I'm okay now."

He took my arm and pulled me aside from everyone else. He looked a bit apprehensive.  "Diane, I don't know how to say this, but I've wondered for a time.  Um, how shall I ask this without sounding like I'm prying?"

As he contemplated his question, I did too.  From the lead in, I was sure I didn't want to know.

"Perhaps, Tim, if you didn't ask you wouldn't have to think about it."

"No, no, I......hmm."

I looked around for Colin.  He caught me out of the corner of his eye.  My expression was pleading with him for a rescue once again.

"You and Colin have always given me the impression that you got on more than fairly well."

"That's an opinion, not a question."

"I wasn't finished actually."

"Oh."

"For my own peace of mind, I expect, has there ever....," he cleared him throat, "have you two ever?"

"Christ Tim.  I'm married!"

"I understand that. It's just....I don't know, a feeling."
"He's married!!!"

I knew I would have to do some slick and quick thinking to get out of this one. Lies, pretending, act?  Shit, it hit me.  That's what Colin had meant.  I'd had to do this before.  In London.  Both times.  Act as if nothing had ever happened.  Cover it.  I had done well enough that he thought I could get through this too. As the English would say it..BOLLOCKS!

"Tim, you know, it could all be boiled down to the fact that we have similar dispositions, don't you think?  And the sense of humor?  We seem to connect on that front.  Maybe it's also a tendency towards off-color folly in our thinking that we catch each others' innuendos in some of the more tasteless banter.  To be honest, I've never tried to sit and figure it all out.  It could tax my brain too much. So, what brought all this on then?"

"Just an observation.  I started noticing some things during the dinner in London."

"Did you?"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to meddle."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, nothing to meddle in, Tim.  Can I ask you what brought this on tonight?  You could have voiced this, what? Concern? Anytime before."

"The shoot."

"The shoot? Scene?  Oh, the kiss? God, that was great wasn't it?"

"Diane it was obviously not a stage kiss."

"No, that it wasn't.  I really enjoyed it too."  I smiled and closed the conversation by leaning in towards him and whispering. "Tim, I've been a fan a long time.  That was a dream come true for me. I'll never forget it." I gave him a convincing wink and walked away.  My heart was racing and my pulse pounding.  I walked over to Colin and Ken.

"Well, Mr. Firth, I believe you owe me an Oscar for that performance.  Now, I must be getting over to the circus and change into my own clothes."

"Did you want to go out somewhere?  Coffee or something?"

"Thanks no Ken.  I believe I'll just go back and get some sleep."