Insinuations of Attachment

5 June

We were startled from a much needed quiet respite by knocks on the trailer door.

"Mr. Firth, are you there?"

More knocks and a repeat of the inquiry brought us both to the present reality of events to unfold.

"Oh Christ. Colin?"

"Make-up."

We hurriedly sat up as I looked at him with total concern and dread. But we soon both laughed at the situation.  I don't know why.

"Oops.  Not body makeup I assume?  I think you had better answer her."

He stood up. "Be there in a moment, Kathy," then turned to me. "You might want to go dress in the bedroom there." He pulled on his jeans and shirt and left me sitting there.

"Colin, shower?"

He turned back, "in there."
I grabbed for my clothes as he headed for the door.  I ran to the bedroom as he greeted our visitor. Wanting a shower was now a question of what thoughts would go through this woman's mind.  I could hear muffled conversation from the other end of the trailer.  I knew water running would be easily noticed.  I had a dilemma on my hands.  I surely couldn't not take a shower after our encounter, especially with what lie ahead of me for the night. Yet I couldn't take one with her out there, could I? I noted that I no longer heard talking and Colin walked into the bedroom.

"Wardrobe is ready for you. They've brought your things.  You can change into the outfit in here."

"Colin?  Are you nuts? Don't you think this is, well, you know a bit problematic, us both coming out of this room?  It isn't going to look very plausible no matter how you try to explain it."

"Already taken care of.  I told them you were here a bit early and that I sent you in here just a moment ago. That you had wanted to shower and I'd bring your things in."

"And you think she, or they, believe that?"  I waited for a reply, but got none.  "I think you're hoping too much here. Not everyone is naive."

"It will have to do.  I have to dress and go back out there.  I'll see you in a bit"

I grabbed some towels and headed for the shower.  Something told me the rest of this night would be an adventure.

Two hours later I stood in a small crowd of somewhat familiar faces.  Colin, Ken, Eric and Tim.  I still felt out of place and singular.  This was their world, not mine.  Everyone around me knew what was taking place, what their job was and how to do it.  Hell, I didn't even know where to begin, what the scene really was.  All I could think about was totally embarrassing myself and being humiliated in front of the gathered group of professionals. As the others joked and conversed, so seemingly relaxed, anxiety was hitting me hard.  I was on a collision course with the reality of it all. An adrenaline rush, of the wrong sort, was making my hands shake and my stomach nauseous.  I had to move away and go try to calm down, if that was possible. I knew the area and knew a spot that would help me to do so.  I'd been here countless times before.  I managed a quiet "excuse me" and headed up the steps towards the street. I walked across Alamo Plaza and found the solitude I was needing right now.  The shrine was lit this night as I had seen in the past.  I got introspective and remembered those I had brought here, my grandparents, my father, my in-laws, none of them with us any longer. There was a quiet welcome here that I needed right now and tears came easily.  What the hell was I doing? How could I ever do this?  I couldn't imagine it in any form.  I really wanted to leave.

"Diane, are you alright?"

Apparently I'd been followed.
"No, Ken, if truth be told. Not at all.  How am I expected to do this? I don't know what I'm doing.  How could he put me in a situation like this?"

"Sorry.  I wish I could help you with that.  The raison d'être lies in an explanation from him once again."

"I know. I think I was being rhetorical."

"Come on, buck up. We'll get you through it all."

We sat and talked for a few moments.  After some back patting and a really good joke I was as prepared as I knew I would ever get, we headed back to the Paseo del Alamo.

"You two, when we get to the scene walk down the steps the way you just did."

I looked at Ken.  "You're in the scene?  Where? When?  I don't have anything in my script about you being in the scene."

"Eric?  What are you talking about?  I didn't know Ken was in the scene. Can you explain that to me?"

He showed me three pages I'd never seen before.

"Right here, have you forgotten the dialogue already?"

"Dialogue?  No, I have that part...  Aidan?"

Everybody was looking at me.  I am sure I appeared completely idiotic.

"Didn't you get the additions? We sent them over to your suite earlier."

I turned towards Colin.  I was totally mortified.  I could tell he didn't know as I walked over to him.

"This is great. Not your fault though.  Wait, yes it is. You did this to me.  I don't know anything about memorizing dialogue."

Eric turned my attentions back to the disaster in the making. "You did get the script, didn't you?"

"Actually....no.  I wasn't in my hotel all afternoon, well, after five.  I had some things I had to attend to."

Ken gave Colin and I a momentary look, smiled and turned away.  I am sure he had it figured out.  Eric had a defeated expression on his face.  I had to do something.

"Say Eric, how much time do I have before you shoot this?"

"Forty-five minutes or less."

"Fine.  I'm ready and it appears Mr. Branagh here is ready too.  If you give me a copy of the script, we can go off and work on this.  It can't hurt, can it?"

"You think you can do this?"

"Eric, it seems little choice is left at this point.  I'm willing to give it a go."

"Alright, but we can also have some cues made up for you if that becomes necessary."

"Whatever it takes."  I grabbed the script and Kens hand.  "Come on co-conspirator, let's go do this."

We got back early.  I knew I didn't have it all down.  What I could remember would have to suffice at this stage. Colin stood off from me a bit.  I figured he knew to keep a distance right now. People started to gather around us. Fixing make-up, adjusting our wardrobes, giving instructions, plotting the scene.  It was dizzying.  We were taken to our starting points and the run through began with us walking down steps and talking:

"So, some stuffy rich guy just stopped and stared at you?"

"It was really strange.  I couldn't see his face but I had a sense I knew who it was."

"And this bothered you?"

"Yes."

(stop on steps)

"Had you thought he may have just been trying to find his seat?"

"I don't know. It was a feeling. I knew that wasn't the case."
(continue walking downs steps)

"The whole episode was so short and then he just walked away.  The walk, even going down the stadium stairway, was familiar; was trying to make its way back from my memories."

"And you can't place him?  Nothing recent then?"

(stop and look at each other)

"He felt so familiar, do you understand?

"Oh?"

"I thought........but, no, I'm sure it wasn't. How could it be?"

"You sound as if you have it figured out."

"No, not really."

(continue walking down steps past fountain)

(male (Jared) stops and puts hands on hips)

(Marie starts looking for item in purse)

"Marie, we've been friends a long time. You know. I can sense it."

"If it's who I have in mind, I've an old picture here......somewhere."

(Marie continues walking)

After four or five takes from various angles we were finished and I finally relaxed - though I knew I wasn't done so calm didn't overtake me entirely. I would be doing the next scene in less than an hour from now. Ken walked over to me and gave me a hug.

"Well done girl."

"Oh please, don't patronize me."

"Suit yourself if you feel that way. You didn't do badly at all."

I shrugged my shoulders as I was about to disparage myself once again.  Then I suddenly realized I'd gotten a compliment from Ken Branagh.  Actor, director, producer. I let it alone.  Perhaps this might work after all. Another awareness came too. I hadn't seen Colin anywhere since we started shooting this scene. I still didn't see him. I began walking around the set.  In and around all of the production areas.  Conceivably he was lingering in shadows to watch me, but to stay out of my eye shot. Possibly to keep me from being too anxious and nervous while the scene with Ken was shot.  No luck.  I strode back and joined Ken, who was talking to Tim.  They and Eric had apparently begun an animated conversation.

"Hey there."

"Ah.  Diane.  We were just talking about you."

"Oh? May I inquire as to the nature of this exchange?"

"That you may."

"Hmm.  I believe I just did."

"We'd just wondered where you had gotten to.  Tim and I had wanted to tell you how well the scene had gone."

"Realistically, was it alright then?  It's useable?"

"Absolutely.  No re-takes this time"

"Lord, I hope not. We already did it enough times."

I kept my ears focused on the conversation, but my eyes still scrutinized the area for my friend.

"No, rest assured, that part's over.  So shall we get ready for the next?"

"Tim, I'm as ready as I'm going to get.  Just let me know."

"You have some time, go relax. We'll call you."

He gave me a hug, then he and Eric walked away.  I soon become cognizant that the lighting, cameras and other bits of equipment were being moved, repositioned.  Commotion of all sorts. I was almost run over by a sound boom.  I moved down the stairs and stood along the glass wall of the Hyatt hotel and wished that the bar on the third floor was open right about now. I felt like I could use a stiff drink. The apprehension I had previously was creeping back. I had more to do.  A scene I didn't know.  I wanted Colin to show up and lend me a shoulder, a few words of encouragement and a friendly presence to comfort me.  My thoughts were getting jumbled again. I was becoming more and more aware that I had no fucking idea how this scene was to go and Colin had become aloof again.  My quiet introspection was broken by Ken once more.

"Could you use a friend now then?"

"Oh, hi Ken. No. I'm fine."

"Let me see.  You're dour, quiet and walked off by yourself because, what?  Learning your lines? Practicing your scene? Come on Diane."

"You've gotten too good at reading me.  Kind of scary."

"What say we go for a walk along the river there?"

"Sounds nice, but what about my scene?"

"Twenty minutes I'd say and I don't believe they'll start without you."

"Sure."

"I understand you enjoy walking to clear your head. Is that right?"

I was a bit aggravated by his knowing that now too.  I knew I'd never told him.  This meant someone had.  I also appreciated that if he did know it wasn't his fault that he had been made aware of it. We left through the glass doors out onto the Riverwalk.  Somehow I knew it would help.

"Lead on madam."

I turned left and only walked a short distance before stopping.  I turned towards him.

"Ken.  Where the hell is he?"

"Who?  Oh Colin?  Don't know."

"You don't know?  Jesus!  Ya know, I wish I could just up and leave here.  Truth be told I feel like I'm being played.....again."

The look told him I was dead serious.

"In what way? Have you two, well, how do I put it delicately?"

"Yes Ken.  We have."

"Oh."

"I wasn't prepared.  I've never been prepared.  And he got to me again.  Then he got me into this. This whole being in the movie business, didn't he?"

"Yes. Well he did fight for you to be able to take the part."

"No!  I mean from the very start.  Even when I was just toying with the idea of being an extra.  He encouraged me.  I've thought back on his emails.  He encouraged me to go ahead and apply."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't. Sorry."

"Don't be."

"Suffice to say he did as much.  Then I get here, he's aloof...totally ignores me or practically anyway.  Then earlier tonight he...um, anyway then tonight. Shit! Why am I telling you this?"

"You have to vent sometimes."

"Not fair to you."

"You needed a friendly ear."

"Yes, that you have been.  Seems after our shaky start you've become somewhat of a confidante, like it or not."

"My pleasure.  Now, I think we had better get you back.  What do you say?"

"What I say is that he should have been around."

I could have used him to lean on. I wanted him to hold me tight and assure me everything was going to be fine. That this acting he'd gotten me into was going to work. The impression I was getting was that the general kept sending the infantry - Ken - in his stead.

"And to what end do you think?"

"I needed him near me. Ken? Do you see?"

"I see, but don't you also see that it would be impossible to show much familiarity with you?"

We had continued walking and arrived back at the doors to the stairway laden causeway, the Paseo. Our set for the evening. I gave him a knowing nod. He faced me and held my arms, an act of attempted comfort.

"Yes Ken.  I know all too well."

"Diane, I'm sure he needed some time alone to work out the scene.  Just as you have.  He, in point of fact, fully put himself out to get this for you."

"He didn't have to.  I never asked for any of it."

"I know, but it's done."

I reached over and kissed his cheek as we went through the doorway.

Tim walked over and took my arm.  He began barking instructions here and there as we "walked" up a few flights of steps towards that part of the walkway used in my previous scene.  As we stopped I let out my one lingering question.  I needed an answer.

"Tim.  Please.  Can you answer something for me?"

He kept his head turned away from me but nodded positively.

"Tim!"

He turned, though I wasn't sure he really was paying me much attention. I pulled him a few steps closer to me and hopefully out of others' earshot.

"Why am I doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's an easy question.  Why am I doing this?  I mean, I understand Colin put it to somebody that I do or could or should.  Why, I don't know. I've only ever done that video."

"I've not much time to explain.  Said he knew you could, had seen you act before, a few times.  That you were a natural at it.  Guaranteed it.  Seems he was right."

He walked off towards the lighting crew chief before I had processed the disjointed reply and before it all hit me. Okay, let's get this straight.  He'd seen me act before and I was a natural at it.  What the hell did that mean?  When did he ever see me act? I didn't have time to think on the situations that the explanation may have come from.

"How are you holding up?"

"Colin?"

"Where? I haven't seen him all night."

"You've been talking to Ken I see.  Not funny, but it's okay."

"So, you ready to do this then?"

"I suppose.  Even if I don't know what this is."

"We practiced."

"What we practiced, I am sure, is not something I saw written anywhere in my script.  Is it in yours?"

He raised his head, put a hand on his chin, focused his eyes towards the sky and feigned thinking.

"Um, no, but I could ask for a script change if you like."

I punched him in the arm.

"Hey, watch the wardrobe."

"I'm sure that sports coat is easily replaceable. Besides I didn't even wrinkle it."

"You didn't answer me."

"About?"

"My asking for a script change."

"Oh sure.  Go ahead."

He turned and walked towards Eric.  I'm positive I turned white. I wanted to run after him but my feet were temporary immobile.  I couldn't move. Inside, I was freaking out.  Then the unplanned scream came.

"COLIN!!"

Everyone, I mean everyone in ear shot looked intently at me.  I could have died right there. He turned round.

"That's very good, but it's Aidan in the scene, not Colin."

A huge smile lit across his face as he walked back towards me.

"Oh, right...sure.....Aidan.  Sorry."

I relaxed some.  My feet became mobile as I moved over and sat on the concrete edging that held the cement laden river lining the walkway.  Colin came over and sat next to me.

"They're almost ready for us.  You ready for us?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Good."

"And, I have something for you to contemplate. You've some explaining to do as regards all this.  I expect full disclosure."

"As regards what exactly?"

"Hmm, now, how did Tim put it? Oh yes.  Right. 'Seen me act before, several times, a natural.'  I'm sure I got that right."

"But..."

"No buts, you owe me that one buddy."

He opened his mouth slightly as if he was going to answer, but I was being motioned towards my 'mark' from the previous scene.  As I was given instructions on what to do I noted Colin going through the same.  Though he was more animated and gave me the impression he was adding his own takes on the upcoming experience.  I wasn't about to suggest anything. Hell. To what?  I still hadn't been privy to the impending exploits.  At least I knew my line.  How hard was one word? My continued instructions were interrupted here and there by make up and wardrobe fussing with my clothes and hair again.  Lighting and others trying to get the right 'look.'  It was terribly annoying I'll admit.  I persevered. 

Now I was getting nervous yet again. We were ready.  No script to really follow.  The events unfolded like this.

It started where the other scene ended. This much I knew.

(Marie starts looking for item in purse)

(Marie continues walking)

(Aidan, from opposite direction, is walking towards Marie. Slightly to her side)

So, I walked.  Just a couple of takes. Now I was to 'walk into' Colin, so to speak.  I walked, Colin lightly grabbed my arm, pulled me close and up to his face.  He gave me a knowing wink and kissed me. I naturally responded, momentarily forgetting where I was and why I was where I was.  I returned his kiss.  Finally, tongue in my throat, he sucked in my breath and pushed me away slightly.  It was my signal for my faltering back step.  That I did.  Catching my breath and leaning slightly, I raised my eyes towards him.

"Aidan?"

I stood up and eyed him with an honest look of surprise.  I'd felt more than a kiss during that embrace.

I heard  "cut,"  then applause from all around us.  I could feel my face turning various shades of red.  I heard Colin.

"Was that alright?  Did it work?"

People gathered around Colin as I stood there in disbelief wondering what everyone was thinking about that kiss. I finally looked around.  I observed Ken with his arms crossed, smiling and shaking his head.  I shrugged my shoulders once again and let out a sigh of resignation.  I turned back to find Colin in front of me.

"I knew you could do it."

"A warning would have been beneficial to my well being."

"No.  It wouldn't have worked if you'd known."

"You think? You're absolutely right.  I wouldn't have dared do that.  Do you think it's unreasonable to assume others could see it wasn't a stage kiss?  Do you know how utterly humiliated I am at the moment? "

"By what?  I really feel you're overreacting."

"Am I? Colin, you grabbed my breast for god's sake.  You think that won't show up? And that wasn't some sort of small smooch or peck on the lips.  It was a full out lip lock with tongue included.  What were you thinking?"

He took me around my waist and walked me back over to his 'mark' for the scene.

"We have to do this a bit more.  Can you hold up?"

"But, I thought it was, like, perfect, or so it appeared to have been.  I can't do this again."

"Angle shots."

"Oh Christ.  I really can't."

He gave me a look.  One of those melt me down emotionally looks. This time it didn't work.  I was livid or close to it.  I couldn't conjure any explanation in my mind why he was doing this to me, why he always did crap to me.  I just knew I was near a breaking point about this. Make up and wardrobe came back to interfere with my thought processes again.  I also knew that when he touched me I would forget any of this and respond.  Perhaps he knew it too.  He didn't seem upset nor concerned that we wouldn't get this done.

As I got close to him for the takes I whispered, "how am I going to do this?"

"Just like you did before.  Have done before."

"You know what this does to me."

He put his hand on my lips.  "Let's get you through this."

Two takes finished what they wanted to shoot.  I was on the verge of losing emotional composure.  I had kept it under control as best I could.  Long, deep breaths helped.  Colin certainly had done his part to mess with me again. He didn't change the approach nor the style he had applied with the first kiss, save sucking my breath away. I was glad it was over. I was now truly near mortification from the reactions of the people around us to the action on the set.  I could hear them saying things.  I was ready to leave, to go back to my suite and die a slow agonizing death.  In the midst of my suffering a kid walked up to me and handed me a new envelope.  "Your next set of pages ma'me."

"What?"

He left before I could gather information on the remark, or throw it back at him.  I was getting incensed again. I didn't want any more pages, any more of this whole scenario.  I tried to find Colin.  He could have the damned pages.  I found him with a group of crew members and Ken.  Talking, apparently having a great time.  As I got closer I began to hear some of what was going on.

"Yes, saw that kiss there Firth. Looked like you both enjoyed that. I bet she's a great lay, eh?  Bet you'd like to find out wouldn't you?"

It wasn't Colin, or Ken, but it was demoralizing and devastating.  My two 'friends' didn't laugh, but they didn't make an attempt to stop the talk nor defend me either.  Colin caught me out of the corner of his eye and his expression fell to apologetic and maybe feeling ashamed.  I didn't care.  I didn't acknowledge his act of contrition, I just left.