Means to An End

10 - 11 June

I'd tried to call his mobile, but it had been shut off.  It was only six-thirty as I entered the empty penthouse. I dragged my suitcases up to the guestroom and started to unpack - though I knew it would only be two days more that I'd be here.  I was tired of scrounging through my suitcases.  I didn't have any particular time I needed to be home on Thursday, so I would have plenty of time to repack. Besides, it was killing time. I'd no idea when he'd be here or if I'd even be up when he got here. I was in his 'place' but without him here it just felt so wrong, or perhaps uncomfortable.  I didn't know what to do with the time, what to do with myself for however long it would be.  I wasn't hungry - I'd stopped on the trip back - so going to dinner was out.  I wasn't even in a mood to listen to music.  What I was, was tired, lonely and miserable.  I finally decided - though it was early - to just go to bed.  I grabbed his bottle of Zanzibar - sprayed the linens and pillowcase and lay down across the bed.  When I woke up, it wasn't necessarily because I'd slept an enormous amount of time.  I could tell that it was past sunset.  Easy enough to see that.  How late, I didn't know.  I was still tired, my sleep cycle was a mess. No, I woke up because I was cold. I was in shorts and a tank top, but it was June and it was hot out today..again - as ever here. But the place was freezing, well maybe not, but it felt like it.  I grabbed the sheet off the bed and wrapped myself in it.  That didn't help my feet much.  I could only guess that there was a problem with the thermostat. That, of course, was something I had no idea of its' whereabouts.  It wasn't something I'd had on a priority list for locating any of the time I'd been here.  Most likely it would be somewhere on the first floor. I wrapped myself better in the sheet, grabbed some socks and headed on my quest. I no more than opened the bedroom door then I was hit with a familiar smell - wood burning.  Ok, so now I was in a fucking cold apartment with fire coming from somewhere.  To top that, no lights were on. I did manage to turn the hall light on. I walked down the stairs to find Colin waiting at the bottom.  I took my time so I wouldn't trip over my "robe", but finally reached the last step. He took my hand.

"Nice outfit you have there."

"Oh this?  Just something I found lying around.  By the way, why is it so damn cold in here?"

"Come on, I'll show you."

We walked into the living room proper, though I saw why before we got there.  He had a full blown fire going in the fireplace.  No other lights on, just the light from it was being used.

"This is why it's...."

He led me over towards the couch and sat down - outstretched. Then he pulled me down next to him while simultaneously drawing me back against him.

"Diane DeMore.  Maiden name - Shover - is it?  Middle name  - Marie."

"You know that?"

"Shhhh.  Born and raised in a small town.  Large and loving extended family.  A tomboy.  Lover of sports, water, nature and animals.  Grew up a bit on a farm and could drive a truck and a tractor by the age of twelve.  You sang, love to dance and love music.  Intelligent, witty, but can cuss like a sailor. Five foot three, brown hair, green eyes and very nearsighted.  Wear size six clothes, unless you're relaxing, then you go for oversized and comfortable.  Favorite color is blue/green.  Favorite food, a good steak, burnt to a crisp........."

He trailed off, looking straight ahead. I had no idea why he was saying all this, pointing out this information about me. We just lay there on the sofa enjoying the fire. I just listened.  It wasn't something I felt he wanted any comment or reply too.  He got silent as we continued to enjoy the warmth and light from the fire, though it was beginning to die down.  I was perhaps warmer from being with him. It was the most contented I'd been with him this week. It was also the most speechless I had been. I sat up a bit and got his attention. I quietly asked him..

"What are you doing?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you doing?"

"I heard you.  Not sure you've clarified what you're asking about."

"Ah...hmm.  You're right.  Why are you telling me about me?  I guess is what I wanted to know."

"I'm not really sure myself.  Perhaps I wanted you to know I know who you are."

"Because?"

I could tell by his expression that he didn't want to answer.  I lay back against him once more.  He took his hand and ran it down my neck to my arm then held me tighter.  Somehow I recognized what he was saying and not saying.  We stayed there for an undetermined amount of time.  Holding on, not moving, not talking, just being.

"I imagine you're tired from all this?  It's late, you know?"

I didn't want to spoil the mood or change where we were, but I was sure he was probably tired too.  More than I.  Finishing this would have to be mutually agreeable.  I felt he was ready for some sleep, or I guessed he was ready to do so.  I wasn't about to argue.

"A bit. You look a little worn.  I could use a good nights' rest.  You too, I imagine."

"Yes, I think so, though your day was longer than mine and I did take a nap after I got here."

"Thank you for coming here, by the way."

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

"Oh, I don't know. After all I've put you through."

I stopped short on the stairway and looked at him directly and quietly.

"You haven't put me through anything, Colin, not really. Nothing that has happened or that has been said is anything that either of us - or both of us  - was unsure of.  What came out in the wash was just affirmation of beliefs already established in your mind or mine"

I took his arm as we continued up the stairs to the bedroom.

"I'll be so bold as to say that the more we have been together the easier some things have become and the harder things have become."

I didn't want to go any further with that thought and let it lie.

"Oh, do you think you could put the temperature back to something close to normal now?"

"Right, sorry, be right back."

For a time, I'd forgotten how cold it had become in here. It had been warm downstairs by the fire.  But this room still felt like winter. While he was gone I tried to make an effort to fix the bed up.  I knew all we would do tonight was sleep, but that was okay.  I'd be with him, close.  For now, it was enough. I undressed and got in up near the pillows sitting with the comforter up to my waist, waiting. I didn't have to wait long.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm until the place gets back to normal."

"I wasn't worried.  I knew you'd do that for me."

"Um...what I said earlier.  About putting you through things.  I meant more than the confessions you - or I - made."
He undressed and got in next to me.  Taking my hand.....

"I meant the movie bit, the bit with Ken, you're being embarrassed by that flid.  All of it."

"I..........hmmm."

I looked over his shoulder towards the window. Then back. I put my hand on his forehead, drew my fingers across and down his cheek.

"I already knew."

I rested my hand on his lips motioning that he needn't say anything else - then tapped my hand lightly on his pillow and lay down.  Taking my lead he laid down and put his arm around my waist. I settled my hand on his arm and held tight as we both drifted off.

Sunlight was hitting my eyelids, but I didn't open them.  Instead I pressed tighter to try and block the rays from disturbing me further. It wasn't working so I rolled over and pulled the cover more onto my head. I could instantly tell that - except for me - the bed was empty.  I didn't have a problem with it, I was too busy being comfortable.  I had finally gotten a decent night's sleep and thankfully the temperature in the penthouse was back to a more normal mode.  I rolled to my back feeling relaxed - stretching my arms up into the air and down to my chest - crossing them over my body in a self hug of sorts. That's when I felt it.  I was being watched. It was the same feeling I'd always gotten when he was watching me - or penetrating me with his eyes.  I sat up and noticed him sitting sideways in the chair. Half reading and half observing.

"Enjoying the show?"

"Absolutely."

"Hmm.  So, interesting reading there?"

"Call list."

"Oh?  Oh, right.  I totally forgot about that.  Damn.  What time is it?  What time do we have to go?  I mean...me.  When and where?  I can't be here then, can I?"

"Slow down.  One question at a time."

"Sorry. Hope I didn't sound upset or anything, I'm not."

"Not at all. It's early.  Don't worry about a thing then.  It's only, oh, a bit after seven.  The shoot is later.  This afternoon - two.

"That breaks up the day badly, doesn't it?"

"It does.  They'll pick us both up at eleven.  Plenty of time."

"Time for what?"

He shrugged with his eyes still fixed on me.  I felt a bit self-conscious.  I couldn't figure out why he kept looking at me like that.

"And together?"

"It's not a problem.  It's done quite often."

"I'll have to take your word on that.  I've no other frame of reference."
"So you will."

"That sir - in itself - could be dangerous."

"Yes....I know."

I finally got myself out of the bed and headed towards the door - though he didn't move and kept up the perusal. It was almost reticent, if I could place the look on his face.  Or perhaps apologetic. 

"Are you ok?"

"Sure , why do you ask?"

"Don't know, you're awfully quiet."

"Just thinking, watching."
"I can see you're watching.  What and why are the questions."

He took a heavy breath and got up.

"Nothing.  Come on.  There's something I have to show you.  You need to see this.  It's important you know what's happened, what's going on.  You have to be prepared to deal with it."

He had totally changed the mood yet again.  I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.  He headed out of the bedroom and started down the stairs.

"Wait.  What do you mean I have to be prepared.  For what?  What now?"

"Down there.  It's on my laptop, you have to look at....anyway, it may be a bit of a shock at first.  It always is to me."

I moved a little faster and caught him on the stairway.

"What is?"

He kept on as if he didn't hear me.

"Even after all the movies, all the interviews, photo sessions.  I still don't know how they do it."

He looked bothered, he was rambling, murmuring under his breath, but I heard every word. Though again I didn't know what he wasn't saying.

"Come on, I thought you should see - should know."

"You've already said that."

"So I did.  It's all set up, over there on the table."

"Set up.  For what?"

He grabbed me by the elbow and led me to the sofa.

"Colin...cut it out, I can walk."

We sat on the sofa.  He almost covered his eyes then dropped his hands into his lap in quiet defeat as my mouth dropped open and my face went ashen.  I should have expected this.  But it never really occurred to me that it would.  Not this time.  Not with me. Yet, hadn't I done the same thing before. Hadn't others?  Always?  Every time?  Every movie?  Every move he made?

"Oh fuck Colin!"

I couldn't move.  I was feeling a bit unsettled.  No, not a bit, a lot.

He got up and walked away towards the patio.  Hands on hips and then off, he turned around.  He tried to say something but nothing came out of his mouth.  He closed his jaw and had a quizzical look. Then he walked back and sat next to me again. I just watched him.

"I don't know."

"Of course you don't"

It seemed that was all we could get out. What we couldn't find words to deal with were pictures of us.  Pictures from the scenes we'd shot.  On the internet, on some newspaper, movie and Colin websites. From two scenes in particular. Both in Galveston. 

"This was supposed to be low key.  I wasn't supposed to be credited."

I stared at him.  He didn't have anything to say.  He shook his head yes....he knew that.  The worst to deal with was a shot of him kissing me on the jetty, next to that one was a still from the fan video from the photo shoot we had done together in October.  The stills from those shoots had been weaved into the video footage. On the web page under the pictures there was a caption:

Is this actress....          This actress?

"Oh good Lord!"

"You ok?"

I stared at him and rolled my eyes.

"What do you think?"

He moved on to another page.  There were more.  I was splashed all over the place.  The good news - all of the shots were of me from side views or back views.  The bad news - they were trying to find out who the mysterious lady was.  Two of the sites were asking people to send in my name if they knew who it was.

"Somebody will tell them, you know."

"Easily deduced."

I sat back.  I wasn't sure how to take it and I was having a hard time processing what I was seeing and the implications.

"How did you do this to me?  How did all this happen?  What were we thinking?  What was I thinking agreeing to all this?"

"All what?  I mean, which part? Are you having regrets about everything that's happened?"

I turned to him.  I saw it in his eyes.

"No, not all of it. Not by a long shot.  Anyway.  So, what happens now?  I mean...hell I don't know what I mean.  Um....can this be handled?"

"I could call Kit. He could put something out there, perhaps quell any rumors that may be brewing."

"You think so?  That'd be good.  I guess I want the truth to be told."

"Really?  Do you?"

"Yes, I mean about the movie. About me.  Nip it in the bud, as it were. Better they know than start speculating, making accusations.  And, there are people out there that know me that probably already have it figured out.  Soooo, I suppose the sooner the better on this."

He grabbed his cell phone from upstairs and made the call.  He asked me as he spoke to Kit what we should put out there and where to post it. I okay'd it for the fan site and two London papers.  Anyone else would have to get the information from there.  My only hope was that it didn't get twisted or blown out of proportion.  That remained to be seen.  I just knew my family was going to like this little turn of events.

"So, shall we go end it?  The movie I mean."

I hadn't said that very tactfully, but it was honest, in more ways than one.

"Right, sure.  I'll go finish up.  Diane....I..."

He didn't continue with whatever thought was currently forming in his head and changed the subject.

"You go on ahead.  That way the driver won't suspect your having been here.  Just wait out front. I'll be there in a bit."

I grabbed my things and got on the elevator.  As the door closed I could see he was looking around the room.  He looked - I don't know - lost perhaps?  I kept silent and headed to the street.