Starstruck

April - May

It took two weeks of talking until we were blue in the face for him to convince me that everything was fine as far as my working on the movie was concerned.  His statement had hit me hard and I began to realize that he probably knew something had happened.  To what extent, I didn't want to know.  He never came out and said he thought I'd had sex with my sex symbol.  Never uttered anything more to convince me he had come to any such conclusion and I didn't pursue the reasons for his pronouncement.  Other than my being totally astounded and crushed by it, and brooding for three days, life went on as normal. As if the episode had never taken place. 

Adele thought it was kinda cool.  I wavered back and forth between wanting to and not. But she convinced me.  I wouldn't even have to stay down there.  It was such a short drive. I could come home every night.  I finally gave in and printed out the application.  Though, after going over it, I wasn't so sure if I'd even get the chance.  Some of the questions, well, after you answered them, one couldn't be sure why they were asking.  Most were in reference to the films cast.  They were ambiguous and tended to make me think they were for weeding people out.  I filled it out and sent it in.  All I could do now was wait.

C.

Filled out application re: movie extra.  Not so sure of acceptance.  Ambiguous reasons for some of the questions I feel.  Not sure if honest replies will keep me aboard or exclude.  Time will tell.  Take Care.

D.

I was still of a mind to not go.  If Thom was in any way upset about my doing this I didn't dare.  I was still so much in love with him.  I didn't want to risk losing all we had.  I also wasn't about to chance anything so close to home.  I knew instinctively that if I got near Colin again there was always the possibility that something, ie: sex, would happen again. The application deadline had passed a week ago and I'd heard nothing.  I was really beginning to think some of my answers had excluded me from being chosen.  Though it would seem outrageous to exclude me because I knew one of the actors. It was only crowd scenes, after all. Most of them wouldn't be where he was anyway, so they would have to have some sound reasons for me not being able.  In any case, I was having a horrible time of deciding what I wanted to do.

As usual I was sitting at my computer when I heard Thom come in the front door. I hadn't realized the hour, the time had gone by so fast.

"Hey, I got the mail.  You too busy on that computer to go get it?"

I got up and walked to the living room.

"Sorry, you know how I am some days. Totally lost."

"Some days? Anyway, you have mail here from that 'Be In A Movie' place."

"Oh? Well, I guess I'll look at it later."

"I thought you'd want to tear it open faster than I can hand it to you."

"Nah, not really.....I can't decide if I want to do it or not yet."

"I thought you had. Suit yourself."

He headed to our bedroom.

"Where you going?"

"Why? Something on your mind, I always go in the bedroom to put my things away, every night for years."

"I know.  Just asking."

"I'll be right back.  It's my running night, so let me go in there, put my things away, get changed and I'll be back out here.  Okay?"

"Yeah."

I was suddenly in a down mood.  I can't say why.  Maybe I didn't want to go.  Maybe I didn't want to open the envelope and find out whether they'd accepted me or not.  Or maybe I really wanted to do it more than I would admit and was afraid I had been rejected. I was confused.  I sat down and opened the envelope. I had been approved.  Was it good news or bad?

"Well?"
"Hmmmm....oh, what?"

"Am I going to be married to a star or not?"
"Oh.....that.  Yes, I got it."

"Don't get so overly excited, I can't handle it all at once."

He patted me on the head and went to the kitchen to get his water bottle out of the fridge.

"I'm going, be back in about thirty minutes."

"Ok, dinner is ready, just need to reheat it when you've cooled down.  Let me know."
He walked back to me and kissed my forehead then went for his run.  I went back to my email.  I wanted to write to Colin, but decided not to say I was going to be there, as I still wasn't certain I would be.

D.

What did they ask? Nothing outrageous I trust.  Either way, please do try to visit.  I am looking forward to a familiar face while I am away from home.

C.

Christ, why did he have to keep asking me to come see him?  He knew as well as I what would happen. It was one of the inescapable facts about our relationship.  Maybe if Adele went with me.  Sure, I bet she'd like to meet him.  Well, maybe not as she knew about our past history. I could ask, she could say no, then again, she might agree to it.  Maybe check out the set, see how a movie is made.  That might be cool.

C.

Some of the questions - Do you know anyone in the movie? If yes, who, how long?  How/When did you meet this person?  When? What was the occasion of the meeting?  Sounds silly, no? Answered as honestly as I could, didn't use specific dates.  Still uncertain if I want to be involved.  It is a possibility that I could visit for a few hours.  Will let you know.

D.

The closer it got to the shooting date for this film, the less I heard from Colin.  It didn't matter.  He had his own life and his own family. I had mine.  I can't say I didn't miss the emails.....I did.  I checked daily.  I never wrote to him unless he wrote first. It was an unwritten ground rule for our communications.  I didn't know where he wrote from or who might have access to whatever computer he used.  We didn't need my emails piling up for someone else to find.  There was, of course, the communiqués to the fan site.  I even got one from Ken Branagh there and a few from Working Title.  Those were fun as I had met the people behind the names.  Colin's emails there were all business, too formal and went on the site.  Not the same.

On the home front things weren't any easier in helping me decide to go or not and if I did, would I just stay down there or commute?  I still had the tough decisions to make.  I'd gotten all I would need to be a part of the film as an extra: credentials, scripts, dates, times, locations and all the other little details. I knew when I had to be there, when I would be finished.  What I didn't know was when Colin would be there.  The bulletins I received from Kit Anders kept rearranging the shoot.  Up a week, back a week, two week shoot, then three.  I was waiting for it to be finalized.  It hadn't been yet. If I went, would we even be around at the same times? I assumed our schedules would cross at some point.  When that might be, I had no clue yet.  It wasn't the only reason for my failure to finally commit or not, but it was a major factor. May rolled around to find mail with firm dates.  Colin would be in San Antonio from May twenty to June sixteen.  My days, should I decide to accept the challenge, were from the second of June through the twelfth. I didn't have to be there all those days and I was allowed to choose up to six scenes to be in. Whether any would involve my amoreaux indiscret remained a mystery. I wasn't having any luck finding out and time was running very short. Very soon, sooner than I was prepared to admit I would have to make a definite decision to go or not, to commute or lodge there. It was my decision, after all. I couldn't fathom why I was having such a hard time on that front, but I really did know. I guess I just didn't want to confront my own weakness.

"So, did you find a place to stay for this little adventure?"
"Hmm? Oh, I think so, yes. Look here, can we afford this? It's right smack in the middle of everything that's going on and for all the locales for the scenes I opted to be in. What do you think?"
I'd been at my computer for several hours scouring the hotels and motels of San Antonio. I was really looking for something in the proximity of the movie set. More importantly I was looking for a hotel near the Majestic. I knew it as well as I knew my own name. Thom had left me alone to check things out. We had decided it was just as easy for me to stay there as to travel back and forth every day, fighting traffic, having to get up and get ready before the crack of dawn or drive home in the wee hours from the night shoots. After I narrowed my choice to three places I'd called to him to come in and see what we could swing. The hotel was going on a credit card, but I didn't want to max anything out or give him any cause to get too upset on my choice price wise.

"Let me see what you have. Or don't you want me to know?"

"Stop it. I have, well, almost anyway."

"Meaning what exactly?"

"I'm down to three, does that help?"

"Di, decide.  You need to book something now or you might not get a room at all."

"I know, but, you know how I am."

"Here, this one."

"But, that costs....."

"It's fine, I don't want you living out of suitcases.  Suites are better, you know that.  I won't have you being uncomfortable while you're there."

I got out of my seat and let him make the final choice. The Marriot River Center. It was the most luxurious and most expensive of the three on my final list.  It really didn't surprise me.

"There, now, no more complications other than you packing and getting down there.  That, in and of itself, is a major disaster waiting to happen. Oh, and remember we only have two suitcases, a wardrobe and a flight bag.  You'll have to fit everything in that or call Adele and borrow one of hers."

"I'm only going to San Antonio......oh shut up. Damn you."

"That's my point.  You go to Livi's for three days and pack for a month."

"Yes, well, I have to be prepared for anything you know."

He stood up from the computer and gave me that so familiar look.  I grabbed him and held on tight.  I pressed my face into his chest, wanting to cry as he put his hand on the back of my head then rubbed my neck. I felt tears coming more but held them in check. He knew.  He knew what probably would happen with my going on this excursion. I could feel he knew so I held him closer, squeezed harder, he returned the embrace. 

"Come on, cheer up. You're going to be a star.  You're already my star.  You have been all these years. We'll both survive this separation.  We always have.  Besides, you'll only be ninety miles away, it's not like you're going to London or something. This is so much more convenient, wouldn't you say?"

I didn't like what he said; more precisely..how he'd said it.  It didn't sit right, but I didn't move my head or loosen my embrace.  I wanted to ask him what the hell he meant by that statement.  I didn't dare.  What was more convenient?  That was the part that kept repeating in my head. For a second I looked up to try and read his expression.  What I saw was the one I cherished.  I let go and walked out of the computer room towards our bedroom. He followed me but stopped in the dining room, I turned towards him.

"What?"

"There's a prettyish kind of park out there. I wondered if you might take a turn in it with me?"

Quoting Pride and Prejudice.  Although I knew he wasn't being Lady Catherine, he was being my Mr. Darcy and I was his Lizzy.

"Why certainly sir, my pleasure."

1 June

It took me three days but I finally packed all that I thought I would need. Or at least, I packed all I could think of.  Last minute details included checking all my mail accounts and putting them into vacation mode. I wasn't going to work on any of this stuff for the next ten days.  If I didn't do this I'd have so much email when I got back I'd never get caught up.  Adele would handle what was in there for the fan club and web site now.  I checked my basic personal account, deleted what was unnecessary to keep and left what could be answered later.  Nothing new on my forums that was pressing.  I knew Colin was in Texas now, but I checked there anyway.  I expected nothing to be there either.  I was wrong, as usual.
D.

Have not heard from you. Have been on set for more than a week. Had thought you might pop round to visit. Reminded to expect your arrival here 2 June. Anticipate seeing you at times then.  I look forward to it very much. Friendly faces do not abound. Do stop by my rented flat anytime. Hour of visit not of consequence.

C.

I didn't have time to sit and stare at it, I saved it to my folder and shut down my computer. Thom was loading my things into my car, I had to get going.  I wanted to settle into the hotel today and orient myself to the location of the first scene I was going to be in tomorrow, then Tuesday.  Even for all the times I had been to San Antonio I'd never had to gauge timeframes and such.  I needed to figure out how long it would take me to get from point A to point B for the various things I would be doing.  Maybe I was over-reacting to it all.  I just wanted to get it right.  Petty probably, but Colin was in this.  I didn't want to look like an ass.