Surreptitious Session

6 June

I took my own shower and tried to drown some of the nights events away, but not all.  It was another hot Texas day and I just wanted to relax. It hadn't helped ease the hormones that he'd worked up in me, yet again. I was a bit proud of myself for not giving in this time, as much as I had wanted to. I'm sure he was a bit surprised.  I know I was. Somehow, at the time, it didn't feel right. After all that had happened I doubted I would hear from Colin, so my plans became easy.  Relax, read the pages, read one of the books I had brought along with me.  I had no inclinations for going out anywhere the rest of the day and I could order in. There were several issues to contemplate and I had to make some phone calls.  After all, I had yet to inform any of my family what had or was happening to me down here.  I wasn't going to tell them everything, of course, but it might be important for them to know that my bit parts, as part of the crowd scenes, had be upgraded to an credited actual character.  I believed that was info worth explaining.  Something they'd be somewhat interested in learning about. I threw on my sundress, brushed out my wet hair, grabbed a coke from the fridge and plopped on the sofa. I picked up the pages and just stared at them again.  The atmosphere and my frame of mind weren't right for checking the veiled scenarios I'm sure I was about to uncover. Music. Yes, my old friend music would help the approach. I had put my CD player in my knapsack yesterday, I expected it still was.  Who knew after last night? 

I went to the bedroom and dumped the contents of my bag onto the bed and claimed my music maker.  I shuffled through my pile of CDs trying to decide on suitable fare for my mood. I grabbed "Brenda Russell", popped it in, turned it on and knew I had chosen precisely the wrong one.  Music on the album reminded me at once of both Thom and Colin for totally different raisons d'être and yet the same argument. Thom had once told me that he knew I liked Colin so much because he reminded me of himself.  At the time I had laughed, even though I knew he was being serious. Sometime later, after reflection, I realized he was in all likelihood, right.  I hadn't turned to the music for comparisons of the two men I'd ever slept with, it had just become inevitable.  The same always happened when I heard these songs.  By chance or unconscious desire I had picked this out.  Wanting to do right by both of them, I had done right by neither. I had to stop and refocus my chain of thoughts and get back to where I was before 'ol Brenda started tugging at me. 

I resettled myself on the sofa and picked up the pages once again. I still couldn't do more than stare at the pile in my hands.  The one scene last night was one page and had turned into a series of discomfited and embarrassing circumstances. I didn't want that to happen again, ever. I couldn't tell how many leafs were here.  More than five, less than twenty-five.  Pushing myself I thumbed quickly through and noted some were just introductory type pages, others were blank except to show title chapters and/or scenes.  That narrowed the actual 'action' down a bit.  It helped ease the task of what I speculated I had involvement in, in front of any camera, and diminished my time in the movie more.  Maybe I could end up 'on the cutting room floor' as they say, deleted scenes.  One could hold out hope, couldn't one?

As I sat shuffling the papers, the last page in the stack caught my eye.  Both eyes and my mouth opened wide. I grabbed it and stood straight up letting the others to fall on the floor. It was the locations and shooting schedule. I stepped all over them and almost all over myself as I made my way over to the bay window in hopes of getting a better read with sunlight than the fluorescent lamps in the room. I was praying the sunshine would clarify that what I saw on the listing was mistaken from the bad lighting.  My illusory hopes were dashed as the words on the page never changed and jumped back at me with wry laughter and audacity:

Texas State University - San Marcos, Texas - campus, various scenes

Galveston, Texas - various locations

Austin, Texas - various locations

How would the English put it? Piss and bollocks, bugger, fuck me, crikey, sorry?  Me?  I couldn't decide how to put it. Not places I wanted to be with Colin. These were my places.  My home.  Places that our relationship wasn't supposed to invade.  The places that kept all of this distant from my family and my life. It hit me hard.  Christ, was this how he felt when I was over there?  In his city, his home? I'd never thought about it from that view.

"You see....out there?  This is my domicile.  I had thought a day or so ago to show you my "home", but then deemed that an impossibility. Owing to my occupation, we couldn't just go all around without notice.  Yet I wanted to leave you with a sense of who I was in actuality rather than in those interviews and magazines you keep mentioning.  This evening, as I assume you noticed, I've been thinking on this. How, when this all ends, and we both know that is inevitable, you would come away having a sense of me, not my facades."

"London is out there. My life and my loves exist within this sanctuary. Places unknown and unseen by the outside world that tries to invade it. I started to think about this more when I saw your pages about your hometown.  How you embraced it and missed it.  What it meant to you.  I have always had that as a condition of my profession.  That my family life is my own and not to be scrutinized by the world at large."

No, I'd been selfish in that regard too and now the tables had turned.  I had thought nothing of going about London and shagging him all around his home environs at any cost to him.  Never thinking about how it affected him. Even though, at the time, it appeared to be irresponsible behavior on both our parts.  It was, wasn't it? And now I was on the other side of it all. I didn't want to think about it.  I tried to rationalize some portion of the information.  Thoughts that the locations were in no way a coincidence began to mix with the idea that all of them or none of them perhaps involved me. There were, in fact, other locations too.  These had just jumped out at me.  I decided it was time to read the other pages, but still wasn't sure I wanted to. As I was about to knuckle under and really concentrate on this my cell phone rang, while at the same time there was a knock on the door.  I grabbed the phone and yelled towards the door:

"Just a minute, be right there."

I clicked on the 'talk' light to my cell.

"Hello?"

"Diane, please."

"Speaking.  Ken? Hey, how are you? Are you okay?"

"Fine thanks.  Look, about earlier.  I wanted to apologize for leaving so abruptly and so rudely."

"No. Well, okay.  It's okay really."

Another knock came on the door.  This time a little louder.

"No, I should have let you say goodbye.  I know you tried.  Very un-gallant of me."

"Don't worry about it."

The knocks returned, I covered the phone, "just a minute, I'll be right there."

I returned to my conversation. "Ken, hold on, someone's at my door."

"Oh?"

"I think it's probably housekeeping. I just have to tell them they can come back tomorrow.  Can you hold on a second?"

"Sure."

I walked over, unlocked the door without looking - then headed back to the bedroom.  My phone conversation wasn't anyone else's business, especially any form of room service. I could hear the muffled sounds of the door opening and closing.

"So, where were we?"

"I just called to see if I could make this all up to you in any way?"

"There's really nothing you have to do.  You don't owe me anything."

I could hear things being moved around or similar sounds, just noises in the living room.

"Ken, hold on."

"I really don't need housekeeping services today, other than maybe some fresh towels, thank you."

"Okay, sorry."

"You're sure? "

"Yes, pray, continue."

"Well, as I said, make this up.  Could you stand having dinner with me?"

"Dinner, sure.  That would be nice."

The noises from the other room had stopped but I hadn't heard the door again.  I really didn't take much credence in it though as I was on the phone and had blocked that out a bit.

"You name the time and place. I'm sure I can make it.  I'm not doing anything else today."

"No? No plans at all?"

"Nope, just hanging out in my room.  Reading, getting a bit of work done, not to make it an entirely wasted day."

"Oh, but I'd thought....."
"You thought what?"

"Never mind."

"No, tell me.  You and Colin have a penchant for leaving thoughts unfinished.  Is that an English thing? It drives me nuts."

"Yes, well.."

I was hit from behind, heavy and hard and incomparable.  The potency of the thrust forced me onto the bed and the phone to the floor. There were no second thoughts or guessing who or what had just invaded my privacy. The scream that came from me was not one of pain, but impetuous and amenable pleasure. Large but tender hands advanced up my spine, taking my sundress with them as, in tandem, they moved over my head and laid it aside.  His hands returned to my shoulders and held their position.  I couldn't stop the sensations building in my body nor the sounds escaping from my throat. The phone call was soon forgotten.

I sat on the bed with the sheet half covering me as I watched him tuck in his shirt and fasten his jeans.  He'd been at the door knocking as I walked away towards the bedroom during the forgotten phone call with Ken.  And now he more than gave the impression he was going to leave, as surprisingly as he had come. He hadn't said much during our encounter (he rarely did) nor had he said more than a few things since.  It took me back to his behavior the other night.  Stolid and subdued.  Almost as if I wasn't here at all and it was my hotel room.  He'd come here and was still reticent.  At times like this I would think about moments past when he was of similar temperament and I'd begin to again challenge the notion that I was a convenience to him.  It was, in my mind, unavoidable.  I was never sure I wanted to continue our relationship when I had this perception. I had to admit I had become slightly practiced in the art of being someone's amour impropre, but I had no idea what the rules were nor whether some form of infatuation on a personal level should be present by both parties.  I knew it was on my side.  Conceivably it had started as such.  All the appearance of how it was then seemed to be disappearing.  I didn't want to be his stress relief or a convenient shag.

"Look, um, I'm going to go wash up.  You can let yourself out.  You appear to know the way."

He walked over and sat on the bed next to me. 

"I hadn't thought to leave yet, unless you want me too."

"Oh?  No, I assumed since you'd gotten dressed and all, that you had some place you had to go, or had finished what you came here for."

I knew I might be skating thin, but I always told him how I felt.  At times it had to be drug out of me, but not now.  I could easily go home if this turned nasty and regrettable. At my last statement he'd stood up and was staring at me with a bit of surprise I'd guess you'd say.

"Could you explain that last statement to me?"

"Need I?"

"Oh, I think so."

"Hmm, well, it just feels so patronizing."

"What does, what are you talking about?"

"All of it, Colin.  I'm of the opinion you feel obligated to have sex with me due to our past history. It's not necessary. I would like you regardless, don't you know that?"

"I do know that. And how in bloody hell did you come up with this feeling now?  You know you do this all the time."

"Colin," I stood up, brushed back his hair and peered into those haunting eyes of his. "I may have become immoral but I'm no fool.  You don't love me, I don't.....  Everyone has their one great love in their life.  We each have ours, back in our homes, unaware of what we've done.  There's no passion, no great desire to be with each other 24/7.  It's just all about carnal longings, isn't it? Hasn't it always been?  Opportunities for us to fulfill that baser part of our instincts have presented themselves over and over again.  Only this time, something of the spark we shared previously is missing."

"First of all, I don't feel obligated. I don't work like that. I've told you before that I would never abuse your willingness and inclination to be with me."

"I know, I haven't forgotten."

"Then, exactly what is the problem?"
"I don't know. The ease, our rapport, it isn't there now. Something isn't the same. I can't put my finger on it."

"So, what are we going to do about this then, just stop?  Is that what you're saying? Do you want me to go?"

"No, I don't think so, not really.  I've just felt so uncomfortable this whole week being here and being around you. And then you just waltzed in, unannounced and, and just help yourself.  I know, I know, it's not the first time we've had dispassionate full out sex.  I mean sometimes you just want some assurance that it's desirable rather than cravings for self-gratification."

"Sorry?"

He had taken both my hands in his and now let go and walked to the living room.  I didn't wait long to follow and found him sitting in a chair staring towards the bay window facing away from my approach.

"I've told you before I'd hoped you wouldn't ever feel this way.  I do so enjoy our friendship.  I'd never be around if that were untrue. And you're right on one part. There seem to be no set rules for this, no codes of behavior. Did you want ground rules?  I'd rather thought you enjoyed the spontaneity of it all."

He turned around and scrutinized me.  I could feel his eyes trying to penetrate my thoughts.

"I didn't realize I was being so stoic, I didn't mean to appear so.  I'd rather thought it was the other way round.  You've quite kept your distance, excepting, well...you know, excepting in my trailer and here where I would agree I gave you little choice."

I just stood there.  I hadn't thought of things from his side.  Another of my failings, I suppose.  He was seeing what I was from the other perspective.....his.  How he came to this perception I wasn't quite sure, but he had. Then again, I knew he was insightful and intelligent.  I should have known without question. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how he could think it was me being reserved and inattentive. 

"You didn't come round right away. It gave me the impression you were trying hard to avoid me at all cost."

I walked over and stood to the side of the chair.

"Had you seen me so?  Hmmm. I hadn't recognized I was being aloof.  Perhaps you're right. I was trying to not step on your toes, I think.  You are here, after all, to work.  I didn't want to impose...um, interfere in that."

He took my arm without taking his eyes away from me and pulled me to his lap.

"I don't imagine I would have encouraged your participation in the project if I hadn't wanted to see you again."

"Was that your reasoning?  Had you really wanted to see me again?"

"You're still impossible to understand, you know."

"Am I? I'm not that complex."

"All women are complex. It's the one thing you have in common the world over."

"Oh, well then, if you'd like, I'll become more complicated and more detached and never let you know what I'm thinking, would that suite you? Or, maybe I could go all dumb on you. What do you think?  Sound like a plan or not?"
"Christ no, don't dummy down on me.  I hate that...in anyone."

"Fair enough. I'll just stay enigmatic then.  At least you've accepted that it's a trait of the species.  So, Mr. Firth, what now?  Did you need to leave?  It really isn't a problem. I believe we've cleared the air once again."

"No, I've made plans. I'd like to take you out for dinner. I mean you'd have to get dressed differently than you are now.  Some clothing, any clothing might be more appropriate."

"You think?"

"Not that I mind.  I do believe that most establishments have a dress code, I'm afraid. And I'd venture a guess they don't include bare arsed."

"I'm grieved, shocked.  What is to be done?"

"Haul your ass in there and put on something presentable."

"Such as?"

"I don't know."
"That's helpful and knowing where we might be going would be even more advantageous in deciding the wardrobe I choose."

"Haven't decided as yet."

"Oh?  Hmm, we're going to dinner, but we don't know where. But, here in San Antonio? You're kidding right? You do realize you're very recognizable in the states, right?  Maybe we can dummy you down.  I can help there.  We could start with the hair."

I ran my fingers through his locks in an attempt to get rid of whatever was holding down those wonderful, natural curls, though from the previous activities it was somewhat unkempt.  Naturally I was unable to contain smiling and a bit of a giggle.  He returned the smile.  That did it.  I leaned in and kissed him.  Just a normal, pleasant plant on his lips.

"There, that's better."

"What was that for?"

"What?  The kiss? Just a little thank you, for earlier.  It really was quite the interruption and extremely spectacular."

"You're welcome then.  So, what are we going to do about dinner then?"

"Dinner? Oh, shit, dinner!!"

I ran back to the bedroom to see where the phone had ended up.  I fell across the bed and reached over the other edge.  I found it directly below on the floor, picked it up and stared at Colin, who had followed after me in my mad dash. I looked back to the phone in my hand. It occurred to me that I'd been told the guys took me to the penthouse, rather than here, because they'd no idea my room and didn't want to cause a scene.  Now I'd had a phone call from one and a rear attack from the other. That didn't add up, did it? And oh, the phone call.  Christ, what did Ken hear before he hung up? How embarrassing was that? I hung my head and shook it in disbelief.

"Is there a problem?"

"You could say that."

"You stuck?"

"No.  I pulled myself back on the bed a bit and rolled on my back, holding the cell slightly in the air.

"Aside from the fact that Ken was on the phone as you made your grand entrance."

"Really?  That's priceless."

I edged up on my elbows.

"Colin, it's not funny.  He had to have heard something. He was asking me to dinner. I can't even call him now to ask him when or where. I won't be able to talk to him, let alone look him in the face."

"Come on, he's known for a long time.  He's a big boy."

"It's been abstract. Don't you see? He's known, but he's not been a voyeur, a witness to anything, in actuality, other than inadvertently an occasional kiss.  Don't you think this is a bit different?"

"It was just bad timing.  I'm sure he'd never mention it or hold on to it."

"I'm not saying he would.  Things have already made me self-conscious around him.  This just adds to the awkwardness."

"Yes, well, I can see that.  You'll just have to decide how you want to deal with it all."

"It's not going to be very easy."
I glanced up at him sideways. I knew that it was and wasn't any one persons fault the two events came crashing together. I stubbornly resolved to take things as they came where Ken was concerned and refocused on Colin.  I was with him, not Ken.  He would, as Colin said, accept it or not.  He was right.  Ken has known for a long time.

"So, I believe I'll go get ready.  Where did you want to go then?"

"I've a place in mind.  Do you have anything dressy to wear?"

"You want me dressy when you're in jeans?"

"Nothing formal, just a dress or something. I've something different out there."

He turned slightly and pointed out towards the living area.

"Where?  I didn't.........wait a minute."

I jumped off the bed and ran out.  Standing in the middle of the dining and living areas of my suite I took a 360 turn and saw nothing out of place, nor anything that wasn't mine. I did notice that the script pages had been neatly placed back on the table.

"Where?"

"In the closet."

I walked over, opened the door and found black dress slacks on a hanger, shut the door and walked back to the bedroom.

"Scheming again I see. So tell me again this is something you had planned and not."

"Sorry?"

"Oh, nothing.  Anyway, yes, I have something decent besides shorts, jeans and tee shirts. Wait here, make yourself comfortable, lots of interesting magazines.......sorry about that. You already have made yourself comfortable anyway. There are a few decent books though and my pile of music over there on the dresser if you're so inclined. Be back in a bit. Oh, and could you just go out there?" I pointed to the living room with a huge smile on my face.

"Like I haven't seen anything, you're prancing around here naked anyway."
"Just would like to do this sans coitus, if you don't mind."

He shook his head, feigned being astonished, grabbed the pile of music and left the room. I locked the door behind him. I turned around and leaned back against the door.  Closing my eyes and lamenting my reinvigorated libido, I gasped hard and headed for the bath.