22 July

Had a good night, a particularly good fantasy dream. Made better by having actually experienced a kiss from the man. That is one sensation I'll never forget. It's eleven o'clock, I did sleep long, but, I think my body needed it and I do feel quite refreshed. Quick wash up and down to have the nails done. Ah, nice subtle bronze tone nails and toenails. I like bronzes, it also highlights my skin and hair. Been told that many a time. Let's get going. Must check email to see if Livi has any ideas, then get ready for the meeting.

Diane!

Great to hear from you again! Sorry that Germany was cancelled; I heard
about the terror alert on the news, though, so am glad you won't be there
for your own safety.

Incredible news about the meeting with ICM! I hardly know what to say,
except what a coup!

I will probably think of more as I go about my day, but for now all I can
really think about is:

a) Would like to do some sort of promotional tie-in with the club, a trip to
the TEOR premiere. I don't care where---L.A., N.Y., London. But if they can
help to facilitate that, we can put together some sort of a package deal
with airfare and lodging. Would be nice if we could get a private audience
with him at that time, too...but perhaps that is asking too much.

b) Wonder if he might be interested in sending an open letter to the club
every so often? Even once a year would be great, just to have some sort of a
personal note from him to the fans.

That's really all I can think of for now. Other than, schmooze the hell out
of whoever you're meeting with from ICM so they can see how great we are! :)

And, of course, I expect to get an e-mail from you IMMEDIATELY following the
meeting to let me know what transpired!

Take care and know that I am eager to hear from you again!

Livi

Great, I will add to my list.

Showered and ready to get ready, I decide to be a bit cheeky. I don't think they will notice, well I know they won't. Choosing to wear my "Bridget" knickers and my top? my BJD blue tank top. This, of course, will be covered and inconspicuous under the sports blazer that matches the pants. The outfit I had bought yesterday. The fact that the top is a tank is hidden by the jacket. Black, it's one of my colors. I look good in basic black. Open toed dress sandals. Short heeled and comfortable. Okay, let's take a look. Hmm, just a bit of make-up, not showy, try to look professional. I don't know what they are expecting. I mean what type person, so this look I think works well. It's what I could do on short notice and not having a wardrobe of options. Ready. 

Notes to self:  Do not be google-eyed teen age type.  No groveling, no sucking up and no divulging.  Will not mention anything about our having met or messages or anything unless he does.  No need to share any unnecessary info.  Stick to subject, be businesslike, but friendly. 

I sat back in the taxi, nervous. My God, I'm not a business woman. This was more up Livi's alley. Oh, I hope I can do this. Who is going to be there? How many other people? I feel like a fish out of water.  I was out of my league. I started to dread all this. Almost all other arrangements had been made by email, regular mail and phone. Would any of the people I had, at least, had phone contact with be there? Would Colin even be there? He had said see you tomorrow. At least I wouldn't be all blubber meeting him. But, then again, our last actual encounter didn't end on a high note, did it? Although, his contacts since then had seemed platonic enough. Maybe they weren't expecting much and I would dazzle them. Not likely.

"32 Ovington, miss."

"Where?"

"Here, miss, we are at the front entrance to the place."

I knew not to expect an office or a hotel, but, I was still taken aback.

"You alright then?"

"Yes, oh, sorry, I just haven't been here before is all." I paid the cab driver and headed in.

Inside the building, a small desk and an older man sat in one corner of the foyer. Not a regular check in area. No matter.
"May I help you, miss?"
"Yes, thank you, I suppose you may sir. I have a meeting here at four o'clock. I was told to show you this."
I handed him one of my business cards. He went to a small stack of items on the desk and picked up another business card.
"Oh, yes, miss, matches to a tee, I'd say."
Trying not to look bewildered I noted it was one of mine too. I'd only had these cards out once and that was to give one to Colin. So, he was here, at least one somewhat familiar face. That helps put me at ease a bit.
"Third floor, miss, you can use the lift just there."
"And where from there? What room number?"
He just smiled at me. "It's a flat, miss, the whole floor. I imagine you will see it as you exit.
"Hmm, that's nice, good for a meeting. Room for several folks then I gather?"
"Yes, miss." He smiled at me again with what you could say a knowing smile? I wasn't sure, but, it looked that way...hmm. I thanked him and got on. Okay, so laptop, camera...hmm, maybe I get to take some pictures here and now. Didn't need a notebook, could use notepad on computer. The elevator stopped and as I opened the door I began to get a little nervous. Hoping I won't make a fool of myself I walk to the door and knock.

I was quite surprised that Colin answered the door. "Afternoon, Diane."
He was wearing a casual "colinred" shirt and jeans, no jacket, I was overdressed. No, he's the star I'm sure the others are in business attire.
"Hello, how are you, Colin?"
"Fine, and don't you look nice today." He leaned down and kissed my cheek.
"Why, thank you." I wanted to say he always looked scrumptious, but I didn't dare.
"Come in, then. Here, shall I take your jacket?"
"Well, I, I mean, sure, that's fine." My tank top exposed...ugh.
He helped me remove my jacket. Yikes, he touched me, oh, whew. Anyway I still had a case for the guy. After all he still is my fantasy guy. None of that had changed one tiny bit. "Oh, my, this place is beautiful, yours?" No reply, he put my jacket in a closet. "Anyone else here yet?" I tried looking around for anyone. Still no reply. He just looked at me with a pleasant inscrutable visage, but, he followed me with his eyes as I walked around inspecting the living area.
"Music?" He finally spoke.
"Sure, fine by me."

"Anything in particular? I've brought quite a variety here with me."
I shrugged. "Oh, no, I'm sure, since this is your meeting you should choose." He busied himself putting on the music.
"So, am I early or will the others be fashionably late? Colin?  Hello? Excuse me, could you answer that question for me?"
He turned round and "no one else is coming at all."
I'm sure I looked puzzled. "Oh, did they have other matters to attend? But, you came? You could have called the hotel and talked to me or left a message. I was there all day."
"No."
"Okay then, I'm sure you can speak for yourself on some of these points I had thought to run past everyone. Um, and I would think you would be the one to authorize the pict...."
"How's the music? Not too loud I hope."
"Badly Drawn Boy, "Have You Fed The Fish," I like that one."
"You're familiar with the group then?"
"Oh, yes, mainly due to you."
"Me? What did I have to do with it?"
"Ah, yes, well, that's something we hadn't discussed isn't it? Well, you see, the obsessed, such as myself, find every little detail we can about you. Like a list of music you like and..........wait, you're skirting the issue at hand here and not answering me really."
"The issue, which is what? What did you want to know? About the meeting? Oh that....well.....yes."
He walked away from me across the room with his hands in his pockets. He lifted his right hand up and ran it through his hair resting it at the nape of his neck and turned back towards me. He looked me square in the face.
"Look, um, there really is no meeting, not as such. No setting up photos and whatever. There never was one."
I couldn't speak. I was at once angry and chagrined. Exasperated, I fell into a nearby chair. I am sure he could see the wheels turning in my head to come up with what to say, do or ask next.
"What do you mean there was never a meeting, as such? I got a phone call and a letter from ICM."
"No, not really."
"Yes, yes I did. In fact, I have the letter here in my purse. I have the other at my hotel. It has the phone number on it."
"Did you have a name on the ICM phone message?"
"Well, no, but I just assumed."
"And you had another message the same day?"
"Well, yes, from you, but."
"Did anyone see you at the ICM building?"
"Yes, the receptionist and......"
"Me, right?"
"Yes."
"You got there earlier than I expected. I was leaving."
"Yes.....but.... Just exactly what are you telling me? Where does this tend to lead?"
Hands on his hips, he turned and walked towards the bay window, then stopped, he looked back at me then back towards the garden view outside.
"Colin? Come on, please. This is really not funny."
He turned back around and walked towards me, stopped short and sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of me.
"I did it."
"Did it? What? I'm Lost."
"This, all of it. I set up the meetings, both of them. No one else knew or knows."
I was rattled. Ok, stay calm, logical explanation coming. I was not amused. Kept my cool. I tried to keep my face in a neutral stare as he went on.
"The two messages, the letter, no one else really ever had any idea about any meeting at all."
"But, the receptionist."
"I got there and told her you would be coming for a meeting, but that the meeting had been cancelled. I gave her the letter and asked that she give it to you. You were early, I didn't expect to see you then."
I was speechless. This was not the Colin Firth I had grown to love from afar these many years. This was a man making a seemingly uncharacteristic confession to me.
"But, Why? Why all the games?"
"I wanted to see you again. I needed to talk to you. I have some things I wanted to tell you. To clarify and ascertain."
"Why all the secrecy and suspense though? You could have called me. Which you obviously already had done a few times. We could have hooked up for coffee or lunch or gone to a park. I haven't been particularly busy these past few days and you seem to have known I hadn't gone to Germany."
"No, it wouldn't work, not like that, not in public."
"What?" I wanted to ask what the hell are you talking about, but, I only got the what out. "We met in a park, we had dinner in a very public cafe, you walked me back to my hotel and now you're all worried about this? Colin, do you think I might do something in public, act on a fantasy, cause some scandal?" I was more feisty than angry. I was ready to defend my integrity, but held back. I got up out of the chair, he followed.
"Please, please, just come over here and sit down. I need to say some things. I need you to listen. It's important that you do, at this point, to me anyway."
He took my hand, gently he put his other hand around my waist and led me back to the sofa. He helped me sit down and he sat next to me. At first he looked at me, then he turned his head forward and stared out.
"I really would like an explanation for this little stunt you pulled."  I thought I saw him wince a little. He put his head down.
"Diane, I'm a private man where my personal and family life are concerned. I have chosen to live here because I can be "normal" in that respect. I can shop, take a walk, take my boys to any number of parks. I want that for them as well as myself. I love my work, mind you, but, I've chosen to do work here that satisfies me rather than go for glitz and glamour. I don't get bothered for the most part by paparazzi........"
I felt like I was getting a combination interview from him.
"Colin, is this really leading somewhere? I already know all this."
He just looked over like he knew I already knew, but was asking forbearance.
"I have to continue, please hear me out." I nodded and was still not sure what he was leading to, I determined to listen.
"Last week, in the park. I don't know why, but, I looked over and saw you taking pictures. Before, apparently, you had noticed you had taken mine and figured out who I was. I was planning to come ask that you not do so. I had to get the nanny first. As I approached I noted somewhat of a disappointed look on your face. You then advised me you had deleted them. You weren't upset. You were concerned for me and my family. Integrity... rare, I thought. Then you were a bit apprehensive to take any pictures of me. I could see it. It was not what I expected. Having found out who you were and then why you were really here I was impressed by your not asking or begging for my time. I thought it might then be interesting to get to know this woman who was responsible for my face being worn on bodies around the world. So, that is why I asked you to tea. At that point I felt very at ease with you, relaxed. I was enjoying your conversation, your take on all the fanfare and hoopla about me. You seemed to take me as just another person. I liked your smile and you laughed easily and shared openly and honestly. I could have stayed there all night talking with you, but knew better, for both our sakes."
The more he talked the more confused I was getting. He was just going over known facts. Although that he really enjoyed being with me was a revelation. I started to feel uneasy, not in a bad way, but I felt like I might need to get out soon. I looked around for an escape route if this got too intense and for the first time noticed the flowers. Roses, a half dozen, dark red and coral.......unconscious beauty and desire. I swallowed hard, he continued.

"After I left you at the hotel, I was determined to continue the conversations. To find out a bit more on this woman who ran my website and had piqued my interest. It was, I thought, perfectly innocent.  I remembered your wanting to go to Chapel Market. I waited there for some time before I saw you. I wasn't sure at one point that you would show up at all. I didn't mean to scare you by the way. I couldn't stay after I handed you the note as I had a previous appointment to keep. I was only hoping that you would accept. Later, as the time got closer to meeting up at the cinema the more apprehensive I  became. Over what, I'm not quite sure. Then when I got there I fully intended to stay, but, I just couldn't. You looked so fit sitting there. I realize I acted like an ass. If I caused you anguish by having kissed you, I deeply regret it. It was not my initial intention to cause tears."

I was beginning to feel angry and hurt, yet I couldn't justify either over what he was saying. It was just a shock to my system, or overload, I'm not sure which. I didn't know if I could go much longer without saying anything. I knew I was being stirred to speak my piece.

"I began to realize that something was happening to me that I was not prepared to handle, nor was I handling it very well. Feelings that were not supposed to be there. I was intrigued by you, the care free way you shared, I don't know what else, I really don't. It is all so very, very muddled."

No, no please don't go there.

"I had to get away. I had to have time to think. I realized that we had just met and that seemed to make it all less justified." He turned towards me. "Look, I'm sorry if this is making you uncomfortable in any way, but, I decided I owed you the truth."

"Did, you? Well..." I had to say something and now.

"Wait, please."

"No! You wait! I spent two days being an emotional wreck. I spent two more days convincing myself that feelings I had were unjustified and childish. That it was all just wishful thinking from having lusted all these years over an image on a screen. I got myself back on track and continued my vacation as originally planned. What happened those two days wasn't easy for me either. I'm married too. I have grown children. You brought out things in me I thought long buried and then you left, and... and I read that interview. I was sleeping badly, not eating. I couldn't listen to music. I was falling for you and then fell harder. Then I picked up the pieces because logic willed out. But I couldn't answer myself about you having kissed me. I couldn't figure out the interview. It seemed ambiguous and it bothered me but, I soon let go of that as reading into it something that wasn't there."  In my head I was telling myself to shut up, but, I couldn't. I got up, I had to move around. I was numb. I felt awkward. I felt pain, but it wasn't from injury. "What do you want from me? I mean, what the hell is all this anyway? You kissed me in public, you were stonewalling in that interview, you sent flowers, a phone message, a note................"

I was totally perplexed. I still was unsure of what he was trying to get at, but I figured he could be experiencing something close to what I had. And now I was sure I needed to leave... or should.

"I'm sorry, I better go."

"No wait, please stay"

He grabbed my arm and in one motion turned me around towards him and stared straight into my eyes with those gorgeous browns. I got a bit weak kneed. Before I could even try to stop it he leaned in and kissed me hard. Not like before, I was on the verge of meltdown. The urge to flee disappeared and I knew this might be heading towards contrite territory, but, I was not feeling any culpability at this point. For the first time I was touching him back. I put my arms around him and kissed him back. It was lust, pure and simple.

"Diane, are you alright then?"

"I'm fine, you?"

"Yes, I'm afraid this is leading us somewhere else."

"And that is?"

He picked me up and carried me down the hallway into the bedroom. Gently he sat me on the edge of the bed. I looked behind me and saw a dozen coral roses.

"Here." he said. 

I just nodded as if I knew and was giving my validation and consent. What I wanted to do was rip his clothes off and fast. But, I decided to let him lead.

He leaned down and removed my shoes, watching me the whole time. I supposed he was making sure it was acceptable on my part. All I could do was bite my lip a little and try to contain the fire welling up inside of me. My fantasy was playing out, no longer one-sided. It was now a shared reality.