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Letting Go 6 December
It had been just over a week, though it felt like it had been so much longer. I wasn't going to argue it with him as we sat in front of the fireplace in the aftermath of our union. I was, I suppose you could say, scared though. For him more than myself. I put on a shirt and he put on his trousers and unbuttoned shirt as we sat and sipped the champagne we hadn't bothered to open until after we had eaten the meal he had mentioned ordering up; that came to the room at ten. I could now stay in just that shirt, he could have been in nothing but for the fact we knew Hilly would return sometime later. "I can't believe you're here. Can't believe you did this. Took this risk." "It was one I was willing to take. Don't think about it now. I'll handle whatever might come of it." "I tried like hell to stay away from you. To even avoid mentioning I knew you were here and you show up on my doorstep. In a tux, no less." "Couldn't very well show up in jeans when you were going to be." "Not the argument here." "Were we arguing?" "I suppose not." He took the glass out of my hand and set both of ours on the floor before he turned me around to face him. "It was all just sitting there waiting for me to do something about it, don't you see?" He had that sweet, almost boyish innocence, smile on his face and his eyes were reflecting back with flames from the fireplace dancing on his pupils. "They were all here and going to see you, be with you and I was the one that set it all up. I fought and thought about finding a way to you." He took my face in his hands and pulled mine closer to his then kissed my cheek. "I thought I might not have the chance..." Then kissed the other. "For a very long time......" Then our mouths met as we slowly went down to the floor. He got up on his knees and threw his shirt off, reached back and kissed me again. This time on my neck as he unbuttoned my shirt and left no doubt where we were headed once more. Then I heard the unmistakable sound of the main door to the suite opening. I quickly put my hand over his mouth. "Shh.....it's Hilly."
Do you know what it's like to make love under covers and not make a sound? Do you know how much harder it was for me being with him? I thought I was going to explode and, in a way, I did as did he. I had no earthly idea if or what Hilly may or may not have heard before we fell asleep. I can't say I was very focused on that aspect. In fact I didn't even think about Hilly, once we found our way onto the bed, until I got up the next morning. "Morning sunshine." As many times as he had said that before it was never sweeter, nor more welcomed than that morning. "Good morning." He sat on the bed with a cup of tea in his hand and a bath robe on. "Where did you get that? I know you didn't have it tucked away in that suit." "It was in the master bath, hadn't you noticed the closet in there? Fits doesn't it? Oh and I called room service this morning, ordered up a bite to eat." "That depends. Depends if I even want you in one or anything at all." "Come on, let's go eat." We walked out to the living area of the suite and over to the table to get things moved around for the meal that had yet to arrive. I knew Hilly and I had laid all kinds of stuff on it, so it would have to be cleared. I walked out of the bedroom in front of him and stood staring. "Hilly's gone home." "Yes, I believe she has." "She made room for us." "Did you expect anything less from her?" "No. No, I knew she wouldn't think twice when she saw you." He took my hand as we walked over towards the table and stopped simultaneously when we saw what was there. The table had already been cleared and sitting in the middle was a thin glass vase with one white and one red rose. There was a noticeable envelope leaning up against it. The handwriting didn't escape me. "Hilly." I put one hand on the roses and picked up the envelope. "Could you read it to me please?" "Me? I don't do those things."
"It's to both of us. Just....could you?" "Thanks." He opened it, read it, sat down and set it on the table without a word to me. "Well?"
He looked at me with realization and approval in his
eyes. It was likely he realized someone else knew and not that they knew,
but that they understood. I sat across from him. He took my hand and slid
the note across to me with the other. He nodded, I picked it up and read:
We didn't say anything about it after that. What was there to say? It was all there. So we sat forward, held hands and let our eyes do the talking in the silence. It was broken by a knock on the door. "I'll get it, likely our meal." "Oh no...you can't. Sit back down." "They know I'm here." "No..they know a male somebody is here. They don't know it's you." "They're very discreet." "I don't care if they are. I'm not going to allow that one chance someone isn't to even occur. Now sit your boney ass back down." "So it's boney now?" "Just an expression." We ate then he sat down to read the morning paper that had accompanied our meal. I went to take a shower, which I wholly intended to do alone; but was still hopeful one rather buffed up bloke sitting in my living room would take as a cue to join me. I was just about done and just letting the water pour over me for good measure when the curtain was pulled back. A rather unmistakable sound when the hooks are metal. "Shower?" "Yes....it is. You explained this to me once in London I believe." Okay, ok, I know we had just had sex twice in the past thirteen hours or so; but damn how long would it be before I would do so with him again? If he was up for it, I wasn't going to argue, not now. He stepped in, all naked and glistening head to toe and if he could look any better, he did with that tan enhancing the muscles and the abs..the butt, thighs....the percy. Right, so that was still the same, but you get the idea. "Turn round." My back was to his front as he reached around me and took the loofah sponge from the shower shelf, let the water soak it, raised it over my head and let the water slide down my spine. Then he came closer to me, almost penetrating, but more teasing than not. He held the sponge on front of me, rewetting it, but soaping it this time, then brought it back and started on my front. I wouldn't exactly say he was washing my breasts or my abdomen or my shoulders, but it was working for me. He let the soap rinse away, threw the sponge....somewhere, then turned me around and pulled me in tight. "No soap, no grenadine, no whipped cream or oil or any of that nonsense. Just you and me as God intended this to go." If this was how we were going to spend our time letting go I was certain I would be exhausted and possibly miss my plane tomorrow. However, one does need a reprieve from said activities.... occasionally. I was sitting on the bed sorting my things to re-pack and staring at that window that I had looked out two nights ago when the snow was falling. It was less than pretty now as the snowplows and salt trucks and a million cars had done their thing to the once undisturbed beauty. Inevitable that it would go away so quickly. Having all that lying around was not acceptable to the work-a-day world. I couldn't help but compare two things that, in and of themselves, were beautiful, but one, as the other, was intolerable to the way things were. I dropped the clothes I had been folding, walked over to the window and stared out towards the park. I saw people going here and there carrying on with their lives and I knew people in that park were having fun. Something hit my brain and I ran back out to Colin. "You owe me lunch." "What on earth are talking about?" "You owe me lunch...out there...the park." "Do I?" "Oh yes...hot dog if I recall correctly. Seems you trashed them and I went hungry." "Wait. That's. You said you weren't hungry." "No, I didn't. Something was about to pop up and we went back to the car before............" "Oh..right." "So, how about it?" "What?" "Going to the park. For lunch." "You're daft. Aren't you the one that wouldn't allow my answering the door even for fear of a scandal?" "You've a coat right?" "You want me to go traipsing off, in the snow, in that tux? I think not." He almost had me there. But it all hit me. "You're thinking again. I'm getting a bit alarmed." "No...no, no, no wait. You've boxers, obviously. I know you have the coat. Have you got gloves or anything with you?" "Scarf, gloves..yes. So I go out in my underkecks and a coat?" "Don't be silly. Look. I can go down to the men's shop, get you a pair of jeans. A tee. A jumper, perhaps green. Possibly with a reindeer or snowman on it." He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Or...maybe a cadet blue cable knit with a turtle neck? Add a skull cap and I doubt many people, if anyone is going to recognize you. What do you think?" "You're not." "Nah, just having a bit of fun at your expense. I do have an extra large sweatshirt I packed though. Not to worry, it's black" "Not particularly worried." That's what I heard as the door closed behind me and I took the elevator down to the hotels men's shop, got him a pair of jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt. Layers. One thing you learn about growing up in cold is layers. I also bought a pair of warmer socks I deemed necessary. What he'd worn with the tux wouldn't do alone. We dressed and headed to the park and stopped when we found ourselves entering where we had exited that spring day knowing nothing more would come of the venture. It was the same situation, reversed. The outcome was going to be the same. We were going our separate ways...and all too soon. In the back of my mind I was beginning to not like Central Park at all. We couldn't walk like a couple, we couldn't hold hands or have our arms around one another's waists as we wandered the cleared pathways that meandered in varying directions. We got to a small incline and I stopped. "That's our tree." "Sorry?" "Our tree. Don't you recognize it? The one we ate lunch at." "There are thousands of trees in this park, how on earth do you expect me to remember one? And how am I to be certain this is any tree I've even been near before?" "Well, you can't be really, can you? But we have to have one to say so. I chose this one." "And that would be because.....?" "Yes, just because." It wasn't like anything was going to happen out here in the cold, in this park, in broad daylight in New York City. I suppose picking a tree, any tree and claiming it to be 'our' tree made it more special somehow. I walked over to it, placed my hand on it and brushed off some remnants of snow still clinging to the trunk then rested my gloved hand on it and took a deep breath. I could feel his breath on my neck as he reached around and put his hand on mine and his other on my shoulder, then moved my hair aside and kissed my cheek. He turned me around and brushed away the tear, that was streaming, singularly, down my face; moved me back gently against the tree, took my face in his hands and kissed me softly. "We'll find this tree again, another time." I shook my head. He took and held my hand as we walked back to the hotel. I knew he had to leave soon after darkness fell. The problem was that it was December and the days were short. He had to get back to his hotel before any speculation had time to take hold. And we both needed time to reconcile the separation once more. This time...we knew. "You keep the jeans. I've no use for them. I can't take them back to Austin." I handed the folded jeans, tee and socks in the Plaza bag to him as he stood in the door, back in that tux, back to devastating. The blue rose had seen better days, so I removed it while he stood there. I went over to the table and snapped off the roses Hilly had left. "Here, put these in there for now. At least it gives you something in the boutonnière hole." I grabbed him and held him tight. I didn't care if the door was opened or not; who might see and possibly recognize. None of it mattered, not now. But we couldn't stand there forever. The sooner we did this, the sooner we could work on the other part, the hard and hollow part. "Diane, I seem to have misplaced my tie. I'll check the bedroom. Hold on a moment."
I stood by the door waiting for him to come back. He
had an odd sort of smile on his face that was more adorable than anything.
I shook my head as he grabbed me and kissed me again and again, then let go. He stepped back more towards the hallway, let go of my hand as we both acknowledged it was time, and left. I wanted to stomp, I wanted to scream NO!!! I wanted to stop my chest and heart from hurting. I knew it wasn't going to happen today as I slumped down on the floor just inside the door. I also knew this wasn't going to do me any good in the long run. I would have to go in there and finish packing. I had to go back to Austin and my life as he was going back to his.
I finally found myself in the bedroom closing the
door behind me. It took only seconds to recognize why he had come back in
here feigning having forgotten something. I went to the bed and opened the
gift box that was lying near the foot. Inside was a frame, gold. It held
my poem to him. The lettering was gold embossed on a medium blue
background. There was also an envelope that I opened with care |
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