Illumination

22 November

I had an eight hundred pound pink gorilla sitting in my living room that no one is talking about. (No, I do not have odd taste in pets.) That's what it felt like around here lately. Jack had once again retreated to his study as he'd done every night since our covert operation. We were ok, but not. I knew we had to talk this out, but truthfully, I was avoiding it. How do you explain something to somebody articulately, when you don't quite understand it yourself? I was sitting in my backyard by the pool, smoking again (Damn it!) when Jack stepped outside holding out the phone.
"It's Pattie"
He had to know that Pattie was the last person in the world I wanted to talk to tonight or any night. It was weird that she had called. I could count on one hand the times Pattie called me. We were only friends because of our mutual friendship with Diane. God, had she found out somehow that we had hacked into her computer? Jack had assured me that she would never know we were in there, but still...
"What does she want?" I whispered to him.
"Don't know, didn't ask."
He just handed it to me and went back inside the house.
"Pattie? What's up?"
"Hey, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you have spoken to Diane?"
"Uh, no, she's in Houston."
"Yea, I know. But I need to get in touch with her and I tried to call her cell phone, seems she changed her number. Do you have her new one?"
Of course I did, but I had no intentions of giving it to her. It concerned me that Pattie was trying to reach Diane. Planning another trap I bet. Well that lying snake would get no help from me.
"Sorry Pattie, I don't have it. Why do you need to reach her? Anything wrong?"
"Well no, not really. It's just we had a little spat before she left and I was feeling badly about it. I wanted to call and apologize. I said some things I really shouldn't have."
"Well she'll be back soon; you can talk with her then."
"Do you know when?"
"No."
"Do you think she's really in Houston? I mean do you think she's with him?"
"Pattie, where Diane is and with whom is none of our business."
I knew that came out a bit more pointed than I had meant.
"Jeez Hilary, no need to get all pissy."
"I just think we, as her friends, should not participate in idle gossip behind her back."
"Hilary, get off your high horse. You know all about Colin and Diane too."
"What has that got to do with anything?"
"Well what do you think about it?"
"I don't think about it. As I said it's none of my business. Look I've got to go, Jack is calling."
"Okay. If you hear from Diane, tell her I need to talk with her."
"Yea, sure, bye."
I had wanted to pitch the phone into the pool. Damn her! I know she was trying to get information out of me. Trying to trip me up. And what was that all about, asking for my opinion about Colin and Diane? I never remember Pattie being interested in my opinion on anything before. Maybe she was trying to feel me out? See if she had an ally? Well was she ever wrong on that front. Questions, questions – that's all that seemed to fill my head these days. As I sat outside pondering all this, Jack came back outside with my sweater and two mugs. It had been in the eighties during the day, but a cold front came through and the evening had turned chilly.
"Here."
"Thanks. I was getting cold out here and the coffee is good, Hon."
“Well I wasn't sure how long you intended to stay out here and brood. Want company?"
"Of course, always."
"What did Pattie want?"
"She was trying to get hold of Diane."
"Why?"
"I have no idea. Said something about them having a fight, wanting to make up, but I think she was lying."
"Great friends you have there, one's a liar, the other's a cheat. Kudos on the character judgment."
Oh that sarcastic tone of his again. This time I didn't feel it was justified and I was steamed.
"Uncalled for Jack."
"No, no I don't think so. You have one friend trying to make life a living hell for the other, because the other one is screwing around. No, I think I nailed it."
"You just don't understand Diane and Colin's relationship. It's complicated."
"No, Hilary, it's real simple. She's fucking another man while she's still married to Thom!"
"Don't be crude, Jack!"
"But that's what she's doing! And how can you condone it?"
"I don't approve and I have told Diane as much, but I understand it."
"Same thing."
"No......it's not."
"And what about him? Isn't he married too, doesn't he have some kids? What do you think of your Mr. Firth now?"
"Jack, you know how I feel about him. I enjoy his acting, I think he's handsome and I admire him."
"You still admire him, even now?"
"I told you that I understand why "they" happened."
"They happened, because they both are being self-centered pricks."
I just glared at him. I was getting angrier with him. I know Jack was just echoing the same perception as the rest of the world. Saw their relationship as some tawdry affair, but it wasn't that straightforward. I was frustrated and I was starting to raise my voice.
"Will you give me a chance to try and explain this to you? Help you to understand it all?"
"Hilary, I really don't think there is any explanation to this; it's pretty cut and dried. And keep your voice down, the neighbors."
"Fuck the neighbors and fuck you too!"
With that I got up, went into the house and slammed the door. This was going nowhere and I really wasn't in the mood to go another round. I was exhausted. I hadn't been sleeping well and Pattie's call left me very disconcerted. I decided a hot bath and an early night was what I needed right now. I made it far as the bed when I flopped onto it fully clothed. I was lying there in the dark, not thinking, not wanting to think. I heard the door open softly, and saw Jack creep in.
"I'm awake. You can put the light on."
Jack came over to my side of the bed. I moved over and he sat on the edge. He started to stroke my hair.
"Hilly, what's happening here? We've always been on the same page before. Why are we at such odds now?"
"Because you are being sanctimonious. You won't even hear Diane's side of the story. Think you know it all – have all the answers. You said it was cut and dried, it isn't."
Jack didn't say a word, but by the look on this face, I knew he was rolling everything around in his brain.
"I will try to explain this to you, but you need to keep an open mind."
"Okay. Promise."
I sat up and was gathering my thoughts together. I wanted to explain it to Jack, as Diane had explained it to me. After we had met at the book reading, we went out for a cup of coffee together, well coffee for me, tea for her. And as we sat there getting acquainted and chatting I had had the strangest feeling. We had hit it off immediately. It was like we were catching up on an old friendship, not starting a new one. A while later I confessed this to her, fully expecting her to laugh at me and call me crazy. But she absolutely understood what I was saying and validated my feelings. That's when she also told me about Colin and the special bond that they shared. I took a deep breath.
"This has to do with past lives, reincarnation. You have to be open to that belief. The belief that we don't get just once chance at living our lives. That we get multiple chances that eventually lead to that perfect life."
"Okay, yes I'm familiar with that concept, but what has that got to do with anything?"
"Patience Jack, I'm getting there. So when we die, we go to Heaven or whatever afterlife you believe in. When we are there, we evaluate the life we just lived and make choices for our next one. We give ourselves new goals to aspire to and new challenges. And because we need to make those choices freely; with no baggage, we come into each new life with no memory of the previous one, but there are always clues. Those déjà vu moments we have all experienced."
"I still don't see…"
"Jack, don't interrupt. There are also people in all our lives that we continually reconnect with. Friends, family, lovers – they all play a significant role and they are our soul mates. In every life we live, these people are supposed to play some part. But sometimes that is not the case. We don't reconnect with them for a myriad of reasons, one being that it was not supposed to be in this life. The plans we made did not include them. Such is the case with Diane and Colin. In this life, they were supposed to be apart.
"But they're not."
"Right. Think about it Jack. They've lived completely different lives, married different people and Christ, an ocean separated them and yet they managed to find each other again."
"So what you are telling me is that they have this soul mate thing going? That they were lovers in a previous life that for some reason this time were parted? That they can't help it, it's beyond their control?"
"Precisely!"
I thought he finally comprehended the crux of the matter. I was wrong.
"Bullshit!"
"You are hell-bent on being an ass, aren't you? Are you purposely trying to be dense?"
"Boy, great story, hope it hold's up in court. I mean what did I expect from you, you do this for a living. What do you always say; the truth is open for interpretation?"
"Jack, think! I mean is this Diane's style? If all she was interested in was having someone on the side, there is plenty of local talent to choose from. And Colin? His possibilities are unlimited. But they really do love the partners they are with in this life. Diane loves Thom and Colin loves Livia. Yet they love each other too. If you think about it, it's sad. They complete each other Jack, they were meant to be, but aren't. They can't be together and they can't be apart."
Jack got up and went over to his side of the bed. He was scratching the back of his head again. He was just sitting there with his back to me. I knew he would need time to sort this out. I was asking a lot of him, not that Jack was unintelligent, far from it, but what I was asking him to understand was certainly not mainstream thinking. And in all fairness to him, I was asking him to understand in a few days what I had had years to mull over.
"I'm going to soak in a hot bath. If you want to talk about this any further, you'll know where to find me."
I was lying there with my eyes closed, trying to figure out how to get through to Jack, when I heard the bathroom door open.
"Who are you looking for Hilly?"
I opened my eyes and saw him sitting on the edge of the tub. There was a look in his eyes that I had never seen before in all our years together.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Who completes you?"
Oh so that what this was really about. Jack had always had a stubborn streak, but in this case he was exercising that option fiercely. Now I understood. Understood his anger and what I thought his complete lack of compassion, most out of character for him.
"You do, Jack, you do. That's why I am helping Diane and asked what I did of you. I don't approve of all this, but I can understand. I don't need to search for my heart's desire; he's been with me now for almost thirty years.”
"I don't know what I'd do, Hilly, if somehow I lost you."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't have to like this right?"
"No, you don't have to like it."
We just sat there together in silence. No words were necessary between us… we were back on the same page.

23 November

We had spent more time talking later and Jack had come to terms with the Colin/Diane situation. I was glad he took the time to have things clarified more as his flight out today was very early. It was an uneasy peace however, even after I'd told him that Thom had somewhat accepted the situation, but it was one he could live with. I was glad that we had been able to iron things out between us, especially since he was on the road again. So I had a lot of time on my hands. Usually I would make a pest of myself over at Diane's when he was out-of-town, but of course that recourse was closed. I still had not heard from her, except that one email asking me to send flowers to Thom for his birthday. I knew she had much better things to do than chat with me, but we had precious little time to work with. I had just finished my Chinese take-out when …

----- Original Message -----

From: Diane

To: Hilly

Sent: , Saturday, November 23 5:30 PM

Subject: Palm Island

 

Hilly,

 

Colin and I did some serious thinking on the issue of Pattie and the materials you seem to have gathered and deem rather necessary for me to see. At his suggestion, I agreed it was not a wise decision for you to fax or mail said items at this time. Too traceable.

 

Don't misinterpret. We are both more than piqued with the idea of seeing said items and what you think can or might be done for any manner of recourse. Colin suggested you come here. If you can get to Houston tonight there is a ticket waiting for you at Continental with all other transportation accommodations and transfers you will need to get to our locale. Hurry, the flight is at 1 AM getting you here, with us, about 4 in the afternoon tomorrow.  Perhaps a shuttle from Austin to Houston will get you there on time.

 

PS - take your passport and check out The Grenadines (no joke, the islands) on a map.

 

 

Love to you

Diane & Colin

I received an email from Diane. I almost choked, I re-read. I was not hallucinating. Yes, she wanted me to go to them. Them, as in her and Colin. Christ, her and COLIN? Deep breath. Ok - Hilly this is not about you. Pull it together. I made a phone call to Maggie and let her know I would be out of town for a few days - family emergency - quickly packed an overnight bag and got myself to Houston. On time. Before I left for the airport, I sent Diane a quick email that I was on my way and would see her soon. I grabbed my briefcase that held her salvation and headed out the door.