Shades of Mediocrity

26 February

After Kathy dropped her bombshell on us we ended up staying far later than we had intended, so by the time we poured ourselves into Hilly's car for our return to Ashford it was nearly two in the morning. I figured we might get back close to ninety minutes later. My thinking wasn't that it was around sixty miles and we would likely go back roads, as we had on the way here, but that Clara might take her time with the mildly inebriated cargo she had on board. Somewhere along the way my thinking was way off. I got the impression that Clara and Carlene had the same driving instructor, who would now have to be ages old; or Clara had been the one that taught her daughter's friend. That or she was still way upset with her daughter. For as happy as I was for Kathy I was also sympathetic towards Clara. She had just been robbed of the pleasure of planning a wedding for her only child. I decided it was best to pull my seatbelt as tight as I could and though I wanted to close my eyes to try and sleep off some of the alcohol I dared not. First, I wanted to see that tree coming at me when it did so I could explain every detail to the constable that would surely investigate the mangled wreckage I envisioned, then there was the fact that what I was experiencing was sobering me up right quick.

If the ground wasn't so cold I would have gladly kissed it when I scrambled out of the car, with Hilly close behind me, and closed the door so Clara could park it in back of the hotel. Though Hilly had gotten out with me on my side of the gate she walked through it, after the car had cleared, as I took the few steps towards the cottage door. Ginny had stayed in the car and, I assumed, gotten out when Clara had shut the thing down but I stopped short of my doorway when I heard footsteps behind me. It was Ginny, who stated she was too wound up to sleep. I, for one, wasn't but, if she wanted someone to chat with I decided it was better I didn't let on I was ready to collapse right there on the lawn; even if it was cold out. We took a few steps back and settled on the cold stones of the Common Seat and talked about the week we had had thus far; until Hilly came walking towards us half miffed and half bemused.

"He's not there."

"Who's not where?"

"Jack hasn't come home yet."

"Oh, hmm. Maybe he fell asleep on the sofa."

"More likely he passed out on your floor, Di."

"Either one. The lights are off at least. Not wasting electricity. So they must be asleep, is my guess."

"I'd bet money they blew the circuits."

"Now Hill, let's give them some credit. How much trouble could they muster up being here with other guests around?"

It had been a rhetorical question. But even if it wasn't, I wasn't going to get into details of other escapades with Ginny around. I still wasn't quite sure what she made of us and I didn't need to add fuel to what she probably already thought were embodiments of a group of "Cuckoo's Nest" escapees.

"Jess told me he was going to drink himself into a stupor tonight."

"What on earth for?"

"How the hell do I know? It's what he said. I told him to watch his intake if he wanted a good time the rest of our stay."

"Ah...ok, right."

Had she just said what I thought she meant?

I decided to let Ginny's comment go. I truly had no interest in hearing what fun and games she and Jess delighted in. For me, it had a huge ick factor. Jess was only a little older than my own son and I had no interest in his sex life either. Some things are best left unknown! And besides, I was a little drunk and very tired. All I wanted to do was collect Jack and head to bed.
"Well I'm headed over to the suite. I'm sure Jack's there."
"Hang on, if they went to bed I'm the only other person with a key. That is, if they had enough sense to lock up."
"Graham was there, don't forget. I'm sure everything is ship-shape."
I managed, with only mild difficulty, to find my keys but they weren't needed. The door was actually slightly ajar. I pushed but it didn't budge so I used my shoulder and it almost caved in. I took a step and fell.
"Ah fuck."
Sitting on my ass, I couldn't reach the toggle.

"Hill, I found something...or someone, can you get the light-switch?"

"Sure, Di. Okay, I found it."
I stood in the doorway and gaped in horror. The place looked and smelled like a bunch of frat boys pulled an all night kegger, not grown men who should have known better.
My first reaction was to cover my eyes, fall back and hope ...
"Tell me this is a nightmare and you are going to shake me awake."
"You tell me this is a nightmare and you are going to shake me awake."
I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time but I was somewhere between angry and uncontrollably furious. Much time and effort, let alone money, had gone into researching and remodeling Alexander's quarters as close to original as was possibly and ... well I just can't tell you how I now felt.
"Ginny, Hill, turn all the damn lights on in this place. That is, if they are not broken and still functioning. Then let's count bodies."
I gingerly stepped over Carlton, passed out on the front door threshold. But truly, I could have walked on top of him and I was sure he wouldn't have stirred. I found a lamp, as did Ginny, and switched it on. Light only made the scene worse. There were empty liquor bottles, several I might add, strewn about the place. Other bottles had been knocked over, spilling the contents on the rug and floors. Every glass in the place seemed to have been used in some manner or another, leaving rings on most of the level surfaces.

It didn't take me long to locate Jack, the sound of his "I am totally wasted" snore drew me to the dining table. He was sitting in a chair, head on the table, completely passed out. I decided to leave him there at the moment and help Diane sort through the wreckage and see who was still actually here. So far we had two accounted for.
"You seen Colin plastered anywhere yet?"
"Not yet. Di, is that a bed sheet hanging from the banister?"
"Oh Christ. That's... other than soft..."
All I could see were dollars signs. Then I turned in the dining room and saw...
"Hilly, there are holes in my wall!"
"I'm afraid so."
I was loud enough to wake the dead but not the guys. It caught Ginny off guard and brought her to the dining room table next to me, mouth agape.
"Oh my God.. Diane?"
"Ginny, Diane, we better spread out and see who's here and in what shape they're in"
"Hilly, guest room. Ginny, kitchen. I'm going up. Good luck everyone."
The bed in the guest room was empty, but it had been used and the comforter was missing. The bathroom; however, was not. It contained Jess... in the tub... I think.... naked. I say I think because while he was bare-chested the said comforter had, thankfully, been strategically placed across his waist covering his jewels. He had one bare leg hanging over the side. I checked to see that he was breathing and then high tailed to get Ginny to deal with what remained of Jess.
We met in the hall. I relayed where she could find her boyfriend and she told me to go look in the kitchen.
"You'll find G2 not making breakfast."
"How bad is it?"
"They could pass for Dracula in the daytime. Totally zoned out."
"Great, just great."
It seemed no one had escaped unscathed. I looked up the staircase, is was too quiet. If Colin was up there possibly Diane had strangled him. Well she'd need my help hiding the body.
As I walked back through the living room towards the stairway several things came to mind, not the least of which were re-enactments of the death threats I'd made towards Colin last July. The other was that I noticed my stereo on the floor and to a lamp, there were no shades. A quick look-see didn't locate a single one. The lamps, on the other hand, were, sort of, lined up. I shrugged and continued on my search and rescue. I was sure I couldn't fell angrier but I managed. Half-way up the stairs I stopped in mid-stride and there, right in front of me was a pair of thongs. Well that was just swell, wasn't it? Did they have to go that far? And why were they still here? Then again, how many wearers of said pairs of thongs had been here? I snatched them up, shoved them in my back pocket and stomped to the bedroom.
"Oh Christ, no!!"
I don't know how loud that cry of pain and anguish was as I slumped down to the floor, without Colin even stirring a hair on his head, zonked out on the bed; or what was left of it.
I must have taken the steps two at a time. I was sure I was going to find someone dead! I got to the door, breathing hard. Well a death had occurred, but it was to a something, though not any less painful.
"Oh Diane! Not your bed!"
I leaned back against the knocked over night table and stared at Hilly with almost blank eyes, I was sure.
"Ice Hill. Get me ice, in water. A big fucking bucket of ice water. Get it now!"
The bed. Our bed. A bed that had been hand crafted from a single oak tree. That had taken a year by itself to be made. That bed. It was ... broken. Pieces were missing. I couldn't even see the pieces in this room.
I had a bit of trouble moving Graham out of the way to retrieve the bucket. I got the water nice and cold and poured in what remained of the ice that hadn't melted. It wasn't perfect but it would do the trick. I went back to Diane and handed it to her with an evil grin.
"Go for it!"
"Fuck the sheets now. Half of them are missing anyway and part are hanging. So.... welcome to my world Colin!"
"Son of a bitch!!"
He jumped up like he was shot from a canon and hit his head on the hanging chad of a bedpost, that was left. I pulled the thong from my pocket and, with no sympathy, swung it in his face.
Between Diane's scream, my rummaging around the kitchen and now Colin, Ginny had made it upstairs as well.
"Explain!"
"Oh good, you found them."
Diane and I turned in Ginny's direction.
"They're... well... those are... Jess's."
Colin grabbed for the remaining sheet to cover his now wet boxers.
"Give it a rest Firth. Nobody here really cares one iota about your manhood right now."
Then I turned towards Ginny and threw the thongs.
"More than I ever wanted to know, thanks."
"Sorry, Diane. Um, Jess and I are going to leave now. That is, unless you want some help around here."
"No, please do. That's one less problem to deal with."
"Oh, and I think Giles is semi-coherent down there."
"Thank God for small miracles."
I turned my attentions back to Colin. I knew he knew I was more than livid. Without looking over at Hilly.
"Can you get Jack out of here? And see if Giles can do anything with his brother and himself. Right now I really don't want to know."
"Right, no problem. Leave it to me. I'll have them cleared out in five minutes, if have to drag them out myself."

By the time I got downstairs Carlton was sitting upright in the threshold, Giles and Graham were on the couch and Jack was in the kitchen running cold water over his head from the faucet. I gathered up my wayward charges and headed to the hotel. I had been around here long enough to know which rooms were empty and where the keys were located. I'm sure Clara would understand when I explained the circumstances in the morning.
I had heard the door, downstairs, only shut once. I didn't know how successful Hilly had been and I really didn't care if anyone else was still here as Colin sat there on the wet bed in wet boxers, covered in a sheet and not saying a thing. Now don't get me wrong, I had expected the guys to have a good time. What I had expected was eight adult males throwing back a few, telling raunchy jokes and things like that. I didn't expect a frat party a la "Animal House." I sat next to Colin, took his hand and squeezed as I did a three-sixty viewing around the room with my eyes. Except for the bed the room was still pretty much intact but, one could hardly sleep here comfortably. That's when it hit me. The tired I had already been, combined with the anxiety of what had happened here, came crashing down hard. Nothing was going to change. Nothing was going to get fixed, or straightened, or set back to rights at this hour.
"Come on, let's go to bed."
"I'm terribly sorry about this."
"Yeah, I know. We can use the guest room, I suppose."
"And what of this?"
"This? I figure you have a lot of explaining to do that will keep."
I grabbed his hand tighter as we headed for the stairs.