On The Radio

10 - 11 September

Colin could have shagged me on the carpet in front of the reception desk and they wouldn't have known I was there. He got VIP treatment and was allowed into his suite early. Thankfully. It was two when we got there an hours drive from Medford and two hours shy of regular people check-in time. I may have been his partner, in more ways than one, but he was the star and this was the most glaring example we'd experienced together. I was taken as a peon guest by more than one member of the hotel staff. In a way I was glad of it. They had no clues and for once it was a good thing.

When we exited the elevator he politely dismissed the bell boy and concierge, who then tried to keep me from getting off too. Gracefully he advised them this was my floor also. Finally, the man let go his death grip on my arm; and one of the bruises that hadn't quite finished healing. We found the suite ourselves, but Colin let go the luggage trolley, turned and walked his body into the front of mine. Clothed we couldn't have gotten any closer. He was piercing with his eyes. I was sure I knew where this was going.

"Have you healed sufficiently well?"

"If you want to know if I'm sore, I'm not. Though I'm still sporting various colors of the rainbow. Thus the full body armor. You know I had to go buy something new for this screening?"

Before I had finished my question he had his shirt off, had stuck his keycard in the door and we were falling inside; the door opening with the weight of our bodies. He didn't even wait for the door to close before he had me almost out of my kit and his jeans were finding their way behind him. He slammed the door to its sealed position with his foot at the same moment he slammed into me. He laid his head on my chest in between my breasts and I latched onto his hair, trying to pull him into me even closer. It was an ambush. It was sweaty and hard and fast. And I never told him that I saw a few tears escaping his eyes when were both satisfied. We got up slowly, if not a bit wobbly, and decided to move to the bed for something more special.

In the end, at Telluride, I had been in too much pain for us to do much more than hold each other, a little heavy petting and sleep. I couldn't decide if he had been storing up for last night because of it or he actually was taking Viagra or one of its contemporaries. I woke up before him, allowing him to sleep a little longer than me, but Hilly and/or room service would be here soon. I wasn't about to open his door again. I had once, right after I got up I pulled the luggage trolley inside and put his bags near his closet.

"Hey, gotta get up, get you moving. Interview this morning."

"What time is it? Have I wasted yet more time?"

"Colin, chill, it's only six-thirty. Go take a shower and dress, we don't have to leave for over an hour."

"Breakfast?"

"I think it will be here around seven, same as Hilly. Speaking of? Did you order enough for the two of us?"

"I believe so."

"Oh wait, will that be enough? I bet you could eat enough for two after last night."

"I'll manage."

"You mean I'll starve."

"I doubt it."

I picked up a shoe and threw it at him, with no intent on hitting him. He gave me a brazen smile and closed the bathroom door.

"Is that supposed to be some sort of dig?"

He didn't answer me and I knew he wouldn't, so I threw on one of his shirts and found myself a comfortable chair to wait for him and then Hilly. I barely got relaxed when Colin came, half dripping with a towel around his waist, back out.

"You can't be done already."

"But I am. Need to shave. Where have you put my... oh, I see."

"You know, I've no change of clothes, even if I did shower already......"

"Keep that shirt... Can't help with the undergarments. Oh, right, you didn't wear any."

"I'll pick something, everything, up while you do the interview."

"You can't leave me there alone."

"Not my interview Colin. And what do you mean you have to shave?"

"You do have a round about way of getting to things don't you?"

"And you have a terrible habit of avoiding responses."

"Just needs a bit of trimming up. Don't worry, it will remain, essentially, intact."

"I wasn't worried."

"My ass."

"Fine. But Colin, please don't wear the Homme again."

"And may I ask why not?"

"It stinks... I mean bad."

"It's what I brought."

"Then go without, or we can find a Walgreens or someplace and pick up some Hugo Boss on the way."

"You mean you haven't packed any Zanzibar? Ben Sherman perhaps?"

"No. Now go get finished, Hilly will be here soon."

"I don't believe I've anything left she hasn't seen. Pointless."

When we had made our arrangements to attend the film festival in Atlantic City, I declined a hotel room and opted to stay with my Mom who lives in Millville. It's only about an hour away and I couldn't pass up this rare opportunity to see her. We did have a nice visit, though she insisted on catching me up on the family. I realized as she was relating one melodrama after another that while I loved my family, I like them a whole lot better 1700 miles away. We also played a couple of rounds of a now all too familiar game.

Me:  Come live with me and Jack in Austin. 

Mom: I can take care of myself. I’m not senile you know!

Me:  I know, Mom. But aren’t you lonely here now that Dad’s gone? 

Mom:  I’d miss my azaleas.

Me:  You can plant them in Austin.

Mom:  Maybe next year.

It's been "maybe next year" for going on three years now. The woman is infuriatingly stubborn. Yes… well… so I come by it honestly. The room service cart and I arrived at Colin's room at the same time. The waiter almost had a cow as I lifted one of the covers on the plates and helped myself to a piece of bacon. Okay, sure it was rude, but I had skipped breakfast to get here on time. He kept a wary eye on me as he knocked on the door. Diane let us both in and I spied Colin high-tailing it into the bathroom just in a towel. I assumed that was for the waiter's benefit, no longer mine.

"Interesting choice there, Di."

I was waving my finger up and down vertically, conferring my opinion on her attire.

"Oh this? Just something I found lying around."

"And is there a bottom to compliment that top?"

"Think I need some?"

I lifted up the shirt a little then caught the waiter out of the corner of my eye and walked behind a chair. The poor guy was totally embarrassed.

"Colin will come up with something."

"I can come up with something, anytime you want."

He stopped drying his face when he, too, saw our guest was still here. After handing the shaken man a tip he closed the door and burst out laughing.

"I suppose someone has to take Jack's place this weekend."

I opted for a pair of boxers until we stopped at a Walmart where Hilly ran in and purchased me a pair of shorts, a tank top; and some Hugo for Colin. We had very little time to spare when we pulled up in front of the radio station.

"Why did we stop here?"

"You have an interview here, remember?"

"This is not a radio station."

"Yes it is."

"No."

"Okay, so it's not the BBC studios, but this is all there is today."

And they stayed there, in the car. Hilly almost couldn't wait for me to exit to take my place in the front next to Diane. I walked over to the driver's side and implored her to roll down her window.

I got out of the back seat and opened Colin's door. With a sweeping bow and hand motion, I let Colin know that it was time to exit.
"Your public awaits Mr. Firth"
As soon as he was on the pavement, I jumped in his vacated spot and secured the seatbelt.

"Are you not coming in with me?"

"No, there's not room."

"What do you mean there's no room?"

"You'll see. We're going to go pick up some things I forgot for my complete set for the screening. We'll be back in an hour to rescue you."

"Back? You're leaving altogether?"

"Colin, you're a big boy and a big star. I'm sure you can handle this."

I stood there as she set the window back up and pulled away. I turned and stared at this miniature excuse for a building that could not hold anything. By the time I turned back the car was gone from my sight.

I wound our way back off the beaten path that held the radio station as one of its, no its only business enterprise for miles and pulled into the parking lot of the Cumberland Mall where Hilly and I had no intentions of visiting any of the shops.

"You got your cell? I've mine."

"Maybe we should just use one or the other."

"Ok, I'll find the number, you find the station on the radio.

"What's the station again?"

"Cruisin' 92.1 FM."

"Got it."

"So how long do we want to wait before?"

"I don't know, what do you think?"

"Give him fifteen minutes?"

"Sounds good to me."

We set our seats on a slight incline. I put my feet up on the dashboard..... and waited.

I felt overdressed and underpaid for this. In reality, there was no monetary compensation. I had, in a way, paid for me to be here. It would have been redundant to pull a salary. Though, in truth, Diane had set this up. I had the feeling I wasn't going to like this in any way. I stood at the door, hesitant to knock and took a hard breath. The door opened before I could touch the handle.

"Hey there English guy. Jerry...Blavat. The Geator with the Heater. Come on in, we're all set, and raring to go. Firth, right? Colin? My wife likes you."

I stood there stunned as he went over to a small cramped area that I supposed passed for a desk and shuffled some papers.

"Yeah, she told me to tell you she likes...here it is...Playmaker and Hour of the Pig? For the eye candy. That's what she said. No idea about the movies, understand the eye candy reference. And she said. What else was that? Hold on, I wrote it down somewhere."

Oh for Christ sake. Now I was convinced I had no reason to be here. He was throwing papers onto the floor until he picked up what appeared to be a napkin, turned it toward what little sunlight was coming into this cell and looked back at me.

"He says Playmaker is total rubbish but he's butt naked and front too. Can't beat that."

He went over and sat in what I assumed was his chair, pushed some more papers off the desk onto the floor, set his feet on the desk, leaned back and put his hands behind his head; elbows out.

"So, Colin, can I call you Colin, course I can. It's your name, am I right? Have a seat."

"Where exactly do I sit?"

"Oh right, Hold on a sec. We'll get you settled here."

He jumped up, went round the desk to the other side, picked up a pile of magazines and old 33 records, then just dropped them to the floor.

"There ya go."

I walked slowly and cautiously to the wooden chair, never taking my eye of this chap. He was, to put it mildly, scaring me. I settled in and looked on, then under, where I was set, for my equipment. I was not unused to radio programs but, I was not finding what I knew should be available for me.

"Excuse me, Jerry was it? I seem to not be able to locate my ear piece."

"No earpiece dude. Not you anyway. I have one though. I get the names of the caller, you know the routine. We hear the questions over that speaker there. You answer. Piece of cake wouldn't you say?"

He sounded like Jack with one statement. I was was thinking of Hilly. This was so not good. Thankfully he informed me the actual question session would be only the last half hour of this show as he went into some incantation that I surmised was his prattle in between spinning discs. And that half hour had to be interspersed with adverts and the like. If I was fortunate I might end up with only a handful of questions before I could escape. As I sat back and waited and listened to this man I began to wonder how Diane and Hilary had come out of this area with such intelligence. He set another record playing and informed me I was next. The microphone was obviously turned on as it made that ear piercing sound one gets when they are being tweaked. I concluded the man couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery and had no small clue who I really was, who Diane was, what the movie was, who was in it or anything else to do with the film industry as he introduced our segment. I took three questions before I was almost to the end of my tolerance. If nothing, there wasn't anything I hadn't heard before and ones I begrudgingly answered with as much decorum as I could muster.

"Break now there Colin. So how you think it's going?"

"Tolerable."

"Ah, you're doing swell. We'll hit about five more and you're outta here."

I can't say any of this was interesting and I barely recall the innocuous questions, but the last part of this has become ingrained. We came back, I assumed, from some dime a dozen mum and dad grocery store with their overacted voice advertisement. I was counting minutes to my escape.

"So, Col...we have our next caller."

"Excuse me?"

"Welcome to the Geators' morning show with our fab celeb guest. So what's up Sandy from Salem? Gotta question for our guest?"

"Oh, Mr. Firth. I love your work, you're so cute."

"Good morning Sandra. Thank you."

"So.. oh... Sorry kind of forgot what I was thinking."

I'd heard that before and wasn't surprised.

"Other people have played twins in movies, why didn't you want to play yourself and Mark Darcy too?"

Oh Christ. I shifted in my chair. What was I going to say? I wanted to leave then because I couldn't think of a graceful exit to something I had no desire to talk about. But I came up with an answer that satisfied her and then it got even weirder.
"Well, Sandra. Being twins is quite an arduous thing to do when one isn't. I could have done it, had it been feasible. We found it just wasn't as my shoot time was limited by my having to be elsewhere."

Then the fun started. I got more relaxed though it took me to this question before I started to figure it out.

"Okay Colin our next caller is Danica from Vineland.  Danica, you are on the air with Colin Firth."

"Oh Mr. Firth, I just loved you in Love Actually."

"Thank you."

"So was Tony Blair your model?"

"Sorry?"

"Was Tony Blair your model for the Prime Minister?"

Oh bloody hell, this is unreal.

"That was Hugh Grant."

"Pardon?"

"Hugh Grant played the Prime Minister. My story line was with the Portuguese maid."

"Oh right, sorry, I get you British guys confused all the time. So do you know Mr. Grant - can you get me his autograph?"

"Be happy too."

I was positive, after I closed the mic switch, that I now knew the game was afoot.

"Colin you cut her off without getting her info."

"Really, oh so sorry."

I flipped it back on as he informed me I had shut it down. I acted surprised, then he informed me we could take one final question. I felt my body and mind relax. I only hoped I would get this question cleared quickly.

"Okay then. We have a Marie...from Waterford."

"Watford? Isn't that in England."

"No, Waterford."

"Oh, sorry. Did you say Marie then?"

"Yes she did Col...go ahead Marie."

"Good morning Mr. Firth.

"Marie...how are you?"

"Fine, thank you. So I had just this to ask. We know from other interviews that you are an intelligent man and you are very thoughtful before replying. I have wondered. They say a man's extremities are all comparable. You have rather large hands and feet. Does this apply to all your extremities?"

I was a bit taken aback, but then it all fell into place. This Jerry fellow, I think he was mildly shocked but allowed a smile as I answered.

"I'm no judge of this Marie, as it pertains to myself. It could be construed as a matter of perspective, wouldn't you say?"

I heard familiar laughter before the questioners line disconnected from the stations. I think I hit the finale with just the right chord. I unlatched myself, exchanged a few salutations with Jerry but, couldn't wait for that door to close behind me. I looked up at the sky as I heard a car skid across the gravel parking area. I walked over and leaned in against an opened window.

"Glad to see you're on time; Marie, Danica. Shall we off then?"

They burst out laughing as I got in the car and turned us back towards Atlantic City and, optimistically, some sanity.