Integrity Intact

8 March

It was still early - eight-thirty - as I exited Basils and headed back to the flat on Ovington Square.  A bit brisk, but the sun was out. I pulled my collar up around my neck.  It was too short a distance to be bothered with a cab.  An easy walk from one place to the other.  Was it a coincidence or not that Kit had parked himself in Knightsbridge?  Did he always come here when he was in London or was it an anomaly?  Perhaps premeditated? I began to wonder how long ago this interview had been set. When was the penthouse booked? And by whom? Hmm, maybe I was just trying to justify another set-up that was by no means there for me to invent things with. I crossed a street where I'd spied a newspaper kiosk. It occurred to me I'd not seen yesterdays paper to find anything on the movie, nor had I watched ITV4 to see of they showed my inventive interview. Probably nothing today, but worth a try.  I grabbed a Sun and a Daily Mail, folded them under my arm and found a nearby bench to flip through the pages quickly. Nothing in the Mail. I could have figured as much. On quick glance, nothing in the Sun either.  I'd no idea how I could get back issues over here.  This time I just crumpled the two rags and proceeded to the flat. 

I sat down with nothing to do now but waste time.  I didn't even have a good plan on how to do that after I'd showered, changed and started staring at the clock. I'd paced already so that was out.  I turned the clock around because I was looking at it every five minutes or less. Biting my nails was out, I had fake ones on right now. Music was already playing so I didn't need to do that. I was too anxious to write and I'd already called home to make sure everyone got there safely. My watch finally registered nine forty-five. Time to go.  I'd called a cab when I had gotten here so it should be waiting for me.  Mr. Carty wasn't here today so I wouldn't get a call telling me it had arrived.  I did have to appear to be in the park for some reason so I grabbed my notepad, CD player and camera and practically ran out the door. The cab was there.

"Barnard Park, Islington, please."

"Right, off we go then."

"How long will that take? From here?"

"Hard to say.  Traffic and all."

"Hmm..okay.  Don't worry about it. But I will be there before ten-thirty, won't I?"
"Easily."

"Good, thank you."

I sat back, then it hit me.  What the hell was I doing?  I was acting like a love sick schoolgirl anxious to see the guy she'd worshipped from afar and knew she could never have. The rushing, the pacing, the nervousness and anxiety.  Wasn't I supposed to be focusing on letting go?  And wasn't he supposed to be doing the same? Didn't Livia usually do these things with him? Why was I going? As a friend of the family? How awkward would that be? Well, maybe not for him. He'd be with the love of his life and mine would be thousands of miles away. As we got closer to the park I began to think even considering coming here was a huge mistake. Then again, I may have it all wrong and he just wanted me to go. It seemed I always had too much time to think and always juggled more than one scenario.  Professional hazard I surmised.

"Here we go Miss."

"That was quick. Thank you."

I got out, leaned in the window, paid him and turned around facing familiar territory. I knew you could see the bench from where the cab had stopped.  I stood and stared. For a moment I thought back to July four years ago. How excited I had been just being in the park and how overwrought with emotions I'd become the few days following. The video shoot eighteen months later.  Having to do it twice.  How wrenching it had been the second time through. I hadn't been back here since. I shook myself from the short reverie and walked to the bench.  I put my camera on the seat next to me, turned on music and took my tablet in hand.  I found a blank page and feigned writing. I strained to try and see him over at the children's play area. I didn't see him at first. They could be anywhere. Now that I was here, and on time, I was able to start writing an entry for the web site, checking the playground every few minutes.  One page, then the next and on to a third. Nothing,  I checked my watch - ten-forty. Then eleven. Naught still.

 You can let me know by going to our bench in Barnard Park sometime before ten-thirty. I will look for you.  If I don't see you at all, I will understand.

Did he forget? Get delayed? Had Livia decided to come too and he didn't want to wander off to spot me? Now I was checking every minute or so until I saw it was twenty-five after eleven. It just became pointless to sit around here longer.  I was wasting my day and obviously wasting my time. Things happen, plans change. That was probably it. I had no control over unexpected events in his life any more than I did mine. Did anyone really? I gathered my things and just to be extra sure, I walked out of the park through the playground. Nada. I headed for the tube station - easier than grabbing a cab -  and went back to my apartment.

I threw my things on the sofa and grabbed a soda out of the fridge.  Walking over to the window you could say I was slightly disappointed, and that was putting it more than mildly. Staring across the street to the other buildings, I looked down the street one way as far as I could.  Couldn't see anything but other parts of the building the other way. Sure I wondered what happened. Tried coming up with some scenarios, but really couldn't. I'd no realistic idea of his home life, did I? I continued watching traffic and people go by for a few minutes then decided maybe I should start trying to pack up more than my clothes and toiletries. It was what I'd said I was trying to do.  Last night had been more than I thought would occur this trip and left me with more pleasantness about the trip than not. I turned to head towards the bedroom. Stopped. Looked back out the window and caught only the back of the person I'd seen entering the building just a moment before. Unmistakable.  I peeked across the street.  His car was there.  It wasn't empty either.

Even though he had a key he knocked this time. It was my turn to lean on the door jam.

"Afternoon."

"I come in?"

"No, please don't."

"Sorry about this morning."
"Yes, well, things happen don't they?"

"So you went...waited?"

"I did.

"Long?"

I was trying not to see directly into his eyes so I looked at his shoes, then to the side.

"Hour or so. Does it matter?"

"Look...umm."

"Hey," I reached out and feigned straightening his collar. "It's okay.....really. It helps the...ahh. You know, it's conducive to detaching oneself."

"Did you still want to go?"

"Where?"

"To the set."

"Now? Like this? With you and her?"

He appeared to not get why I wasn't about to do this.

"Is this what you meant? I'll pack up the wife and kids, grab the mistress and we'll all go out to the country together? I really want to come out of all this with some integrity intact. That won't cut it."

I wanted to shut the door in his face right then. I hadn't gotten to really angry or outraged yet.  I was just on simmer, had only mildly raised my voice to indignation.

"You're off base with this."

"No, I don't think I am."

"You are and If I could get a word in you'd see it. But possibly you're right. Perhaps we have to let things stand where they are. The way we started this trip - avoiding one another - is how we should end it. That's where you're heading with all this."

My mood and my face softened. I changed my stance of leaning against the jam, left the door ajar and walked away from it. He was more than right. It would most likely be better if we didn't communicate in any form for the next thirty-six hours.  Let me get ready to leave, get my mind ready.  Let him get back to his. I went and sat down on the sofa, pulling a pillow to my chest and tried to bite on my damned fingernails.

"Yes, probably best."

I could tell by the way the door shut that he had come inside. I felt hands land on my shoulders.

"You should just go then. You've things to do today. I need to pack."

"You calmed down now?"

"I suppose."

"So you don't want to go then?"

"How long does it take for you to figure this out?"

I pulled away from his hands and stood up.

"Could you just go? Let me do this my way?"
"I still haven't...don't know why you don't want to go. Can you at least give me that?"

"Shit for brains."

"What?"

"Don't you think the dinner, the Premiere and party were enough of the two of us being in the same place at the same time? Now you want to make it four? You know....all this time you never bothered to introduce us.  At anything. The Premieres, the Q & A's.....nothing. Not that I ever really wanted to - mind you. Besides the point. But this time......and now you want me to go on a country outing with her?"

"First of all what the hell are you talking about?  And secondly what the hell are you talking about? I never said she was going. Did I?"

"She's in the car isn't she?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Is to. I saw her."

I walked over to the window and found his car across the street. I glared back at him intensely. Pointed, then stopped and looked. "See?"  I looked back out a little more intently, "but," I turned back to him then out the window again. This time I was straining my eyes to try and make out the figure more. "Wait...there's..."

"It's my sister."

"Who?"

"My sister..remember, I have one."

"Kate?  Oh, God. Well you going to take me home to meet the folks next?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Am I? I've no intentions of meeting the rest of your family.  I think I'm being reasonable in that respect.  But honestly, this whole thing could be construed as ridiculous."

"You finished?"

"I'd say so - yes."

"Look, she popped round this morning. I'm dropping her off over at Harrod's."

"But you came here first. Want to tell me how you explained that?"

"Forgot my script."

"Did you?"

"I did. So I'd better retrieve it before I leave."

"Kitchen maybe?"

"Doesn't matter.  Look, I...I'm going to swing back by after. If you still don't want to go....well I'll just leave.  Will you give me that?"

She wasn't going, not Livia, not Kate. Why hadn't he just said so? Now to top it off I'd made an ass of myself and felt bad for getting angry in any way or form.

"Sure...I'll let you know. Guess I was an ass speculating."

"Not at all.  I saw your point. I'd better go."

"Hey, don't forget the script."

"Right."

I walked him over to the door, he kissed my forehead and left. I turned around, scanned the flat. I'd rather stay here with him, but maybe a short trip would be nice. But to where? I hadn't even asked where we were going.  How should I dress?  Hell he was just in jeans. No need for me to change either.  I grabbed some CDs, some money, and waited.