Constrained Desires

6 March

It didn't take a genius to figure out that Colin was already here. You could also tell where he was - under the covered tent- with throngs of female admirers gazing and transfixed on his every movement. Signing autographs, giving the inevitable interviews.  In the past - even knowing that this was a price one paid for fame and being so damned good looking and sexy - I always felt a bit of sadness and sympathy for what he went through at times. I knew he was thoughtful and always gracious to his fans.  It still had to be somewhat taxing on him, or anyone. Yet, in a crowd of stars, he was always the one who would go out of his way to accommodate as many of his fans as was possible. How could you not love that?  However, the best part of this for me was that people were generally ignoring my arrival. I hadn't moved yet, waiting for Thom to take my arm and find our way, as inconspicuously as possible, into the theater with minimal fanfare.

"Which way?"

"Don't know. Main doors I guess. Let's just go."

He took my arm in his as we - as eloquently and quickly as we could - headed towards the entrance.

"DIANE!  Hey!  Over here."

It was Beate.  I turned my head in the direction of her voice...to my left. She was standing in the front of a particularly female crowd, holding a sign:

"DIANE,

SIGN MY

PICTURE"

Good lord.  I couldn't help laughing as I diverted Thom and we walked over to meet 'my fans.' Cindi, Livi and Beate were at the front of a group of ladies, some of whom did look familiar.  I waved as I got closer to the group they had settled in with.  When I stopped in front of them, they all applauded.  I took a small bow as several of them held out papers and photos of me, half serious, half laughing.

"Where did you get these pictures?  Where did they?"

I looked at my three compadres. They were all laughing. It was the glamour shot I'd had done a few years back.
"Ok, fess up, which one of you did this?"

None of them would answer me. But finally.

"It wasn't hard. You know we all have computers and stuff."

"Yes, but Cindi has the scanner....and a printer?"

No replies.

"How did you get all of these people here to do this?  It's so embarrassing."

"Diane, these are all people that more or less know you.......from the forums and stuff."

As I looked closer into the crowd I recognized more than a few faces now.

"Unbelievable."

"Here, look over there. What do you think?"

What I saw were more signs.

"COLIN

OVER HERE"

and

"WANTED:

PICTURE OF

COLIN

AND

DIANE"

I couldn't help laughing a bit more.  It was great. This was keeping my mind off of really thinking about where I was and what was going on around me.  I was with friends instead of strangers and any media spotlight......for now.

"How did you guys do all this?  I mean, why did you?"

"We didn't actually. They did it. Well, sure they'd be coming anyway.  It is a Colin Premiere. You know people from forums all over would be here regardless.  Did you think we...they would all forget about you? Come on, you're a star now."

"I am not."

Beate grabbed my hand and pulled me over closer to her.

"You topped them all, you know."

"What?"

"Better than a Q & A, a Premiere - inside or outside the theater.  Better than an autograph...any of it."

"Shh...I can't say that."

"No, but I can."

As I stood talking the crowd around me was getting more animated and loud.  I saw one more sign being held up from the middle of the crowd:

"COLIN

KISS

DIANE"

Oh God. Who wrote that one?  I think I may have started to blush but didn't have a chance as I felt a hand light on my shoulder.

"Should we accommodate your fans?"

It was Colin.  That explained the increased pitch of the crowd.  I turned and smiled at him.  He looked great, naturally, and he was smiling - fantastic as always.

"To which sign are you referring?  I'd prefer not to." 

He leaned in to whisper in my ear which got a few oohs and ahhhs.  I got a chill because he'd made a point to discreetly brush my earlobe with his index finger. Then he slowly slide his hand across my shoulder then across my back, resting it on my hip. I was in mild shock at his actions. He could have just moved his hand right to my waist, but he had made intentional motions instead. Though it was so subtle it probably wasn't noticed anyway. We had moved back just a bit from the edge of the fans.  We talked in whispers, though it would appear to anyone else we were just having polite conversation, it was anything but. I could only try to point out why I wanted to go inside...and keep smiling as if nothing was going on beneath the surface...or so he was giving that impression. We both kept smiles, hoping to make the conversation above scrutiny.

"I hadn't wanted to do this part at all."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know.  I certainly didn't expect your hand sliding down across my back.  What the hell was that?"

I didn't have a chance to finish or get an answer.  He turned and waved to the crowd, then back at me.

"Up to signing your autograph?"

"I don't have an autograph."

"You do now.  You seem to have a following."

We walked over to the crowd.  It wasn't unexpected that everyone wanted his attention.  I welcomed it.  It kept any focus off of me.  I stood back a step and watched.  I'd seen it all before - from the other side.  I looked around a bit for Thom and Adele.  I tried to see if I could spot Livia too. I couldn't find any of them. I turned back to where my three amigos had been.  The "KISS DIANE" sign was still up.  So was the "WANTED:" one.  Colin took a second and turned to me.

"Come on over here."
I gave him a questioning glance.

"Shall we honor their requests then?"

"I...I don't know.  That's up to you isn't it?"

"Sure...why not?"

He took my arm at the elbow and moved us back a few yards so everyone could catch a picture of him with his arms around me.  Which, by the way, didn't help me ease out of the earlier caressing he'd done to my back.

"Now, do we fulfill the other poster?  Give them a thrill?"

"What? The other poster?"

"The other sign....see it?"

He was pointing at the one held highest from the middle of the crowd...'kiss Diane.'

"Would you be serious here.  We can't do that.  I can't do that..not here...in front of........."

"Stage kiss...short one...no one will think anything about it."

"Oh, I will."

He didn't give me much time to protest.  He turned to the crowd and pointed at the sign, smiling the whole time - dimples full force and eyes beaming.  Then he turned back to me and put his hands on my chin, leaned in and kissed me. Taking my top lip between his, I in turn did the same to him.  Stage kiss or no, it only made it worse on me emotionally.  He kept it short.  We both smiled and laughed and turned to the applause and whistles of the crowd.  I knew it was time for me to get away from him. I couldn't take much more. I scoured the crowds for Thom....finally locating him off to the opposite side of the tent.  He'd been watching and he was waiting for me.  He was also smiling. I turned to Colin for one last thing.

"Hey...do you know if the BBC or ITV4 have reporters here?"

"I thought you hadn't wanted to do any of this?"

"No, but there is something I did want to do.....care to watch?"

"Over more towards the main doors. Lots of reporters there. Take your pick."

"Good...you coming then?"
"Do I want to see this?  Yes, I'm heading that way.  I get to escort you in, you know."

"What about?"

"I get to escort you both in.  One at a time naturally."

"I've seen this movie before."

"Have you?"

"Yes....well.  After I'm done, we'll see who helps who in."

"Sorry?  Wait a minute...what are you........?"
I walked over and found Thom waiting for me.

"You ready to do this?"
"If you are.  Do you know who you are going to give this exclusive too?"

"No, just whoever talks to me first I guess."

"So, where are we going?"

"In.  Well, over near the doorway."

I can't say I wasn't nervous, that adrenaline wasn't beginning to flow and that my knees weren't trying to give out.  It was all happening at once.  Thom wrapped his arm through mine and gave me a pat on my hand.  I had to do this.  I was tired of all the damn stupid questions and speculation.  We stopped in a small line of people making their way into the theater itself.  As I had predicted, I was stopped to be asked questions.

"Evening...Diane is it?"

It was a reporter from ITV4 shoving a microphone in my face.

"Um....hm...would you mind terribly if I did something a bit one-off right now?  Before you ask me anything?"

"Well, I suppose that would be alright."

"Really?  Good."

I let go of Thom's hand and then saw Colin with Livia, out of the corner of my eye.

"Ok...here goes.  Sorry, I'm nervous.  This is all so new to me."

"Take your time then."

"Hmm...well, I.  Well, my husband and I had a talk the other evening and we decided. Well, what we decided was.  You see, the other night at the press conference that was held...there was a particular question that was left unanswered and open to interpretation.  I or we wanted to clear that one up."

"Did you...and what would that be?"

"You see...a lot of people...and I mean a lot already know about this and have known ever since I got it so we wanted to clarify that.....yes, I do have this tattoo here."

Thom put his hand under my hair on the back right side of my head and lifted.

"There, can you see it?"

The reporter immediately took a look and motioned the cameraman to zoom in on my neck.

"ODB is it?"

"Yes..and as you can see, my husband knows...lots of people do. So no big secret. And if your cameraman was paying attention I have this one too, near my right shoulder blade?" I pointed. "Says T&D 6-22-74."

"Quite a surprise and interesting."

"Not really, but in deference for Colin, I wanted to clear the air."

Thom let my hair down, re-took my hand and gave it a squeeze.

"So...what is the...?"

"I'm sorry, that's all I really have to share.  I think they want me to get headed into the theater.  Thank you so much."

I shook hands. Thom put his hand around my waist and turned us away from the cameras, then walked over near the door. He let go of me and took Adele's arm...and waited.

"I think this is where I lose you again. I'll see you inside."

I shook my head, knowing what he meant, then turned seeking out my escort.
"I'm speechless."

"That's different."

Colin had walked up next to me and put his arm through mine as Thom had done a few moments before.

"Though I can't say I haven't seen you silent before...I have."

"Come on, let me take you through the door. Cameras I'm afraid."

"This time though, I'm not so concerned. I kind of expect it. I'm not worried."

We went through the door, photographers, reporters and all, without any problems.  I just let him lead.  He smiled, shook hands and talked to people.  I just smiled and tried to stay calm. I answered questions, this time they were easier than the other night.  How did it feel?  Was I excited? Things like that.  We got inside. Colin headed us over to a hall that preceded the stairway leading to the upper tier of the theater. Halfway down I could see the area was roped off and under-lit. I assumed the area was for the producers? Stars and their families? But Colin stopped, then went under the velveteen roping. Having not let go of my hand I had no choice but to go under too.  As we stood on the other side it was plain to see that no one else was around. I gave him a somewhat uneasy stare.

"You look so fabulous tonight. And, Trésor....am I right?"

I didn't have a second to say or do anything. He leaned down and kissed me hard as he pressed his body into mine. Just for a few seconds. It wasn't enough yet it was too much. He pulled away.

"I better go seat myself. I'll see you at the party...after?"

I didn't move as I shook my head 'yes' and watched him walk off. I stood there and stood there.  I lost track of time, though I knew nothing had started yet. I was jolted out of my funk by Eric.

"Diane.  There you are?  You lost?"

"In a manner of speaking Eric, yes."

"Nervous?"

"Um...no...it's....this has all been so weird."

"Understandable.  Anyway I was sent out to find you....help you find your seat."

"Were you? Huh......okay, well....I guess I better go in then."

"Your husband and daughter were worried.  Everyone else is in their seats already."

"Has it started?"

"No...five minutes...maybe ten."

"Ok...um...can...oh, never mind. Shall we go then?"

Though we sat in the same row, I was several seats away from Colin.  I didn't look over once I had gauged where he was.  Fortunately Adele and Thom had already sat in closer to him so that kept me further away. I couldn't look at him.  Not now. Not after what had occurred. I grabbed Thom's hand and gave a hard squeeze.

"You okay?  What happened?"

"Ladies room.  Nerves I guess. Or total embarrassment. Can't decide."

He turned and kissed the top of my head.

I wanted to bolt as the movie started and the soundtrack began.  I had never taken the time to listen to the prelim CD Neill had sent.  Now I wished I had. "Ghost Of You And Me" opened the movie. It was going to be hard to see this now. I was hoping they hadn't used too many of my suggestions. But it really didn't matter, did it? I couldn't change it if they had. And they could always have chosen those songs anyway, without my interfering.  I hardly watched. My mind was starting to try and sort out what the hell Colin was doing outside......and that kiss. What was the deal? He was taking enormous chances when I was trying to quell the rumor mills. It's about all I could focus on.  That and being totally embarrassed by all these strangers seeing him and I up there, larger than life.  And Livia, for God's sake.  What was she thinking?  That I was just another actress he had to do scenes with or did she have other things on her mind?  I'd never know.  I'd have to assume the best.  It's all I could do to settle that in my mind.

After ninety-three minutes of pure hell I stood up before the credits finished rolling and excused myself for the ladies room.

"Thom, wait for me in the lobby."

"You okay?"

"No.....not until we get back to that apartment, but I've made it this far.  Just meet me.  Find the limo...I want to go from here asap."

"Sure...meet you."

I leaned in and kissed his cheek as I made my exit.  We got to the limo and headed to the Savoy - the one place in London I had been that had always turned disastrous.