The Full Monty

11 December

"Diane!"

"What?"

"How can you shove one more piece of bread into your mouth?"

"I'm hungry is how!"

"But you never eat that much. What about dinner?"

"Exactly. What about it, Hill? I mean, Christ, we've been sitting here over an hour. They said seven, right? We got here at quarter till. I didn't eat lunch...I'm starving here."

"I'm positive they'll be here soon."

"You said that thirty minutes and three bread sticks ago."

"Well... I'm sure..."

"Of nothing.

Neither of us was. So far this birthday dinner was a total bust. I could only conclude that whichever scene they were shooting today had gone famously awry and they were now working night for day. They could be done, or nearly, or not even close. That or maybe Jack, or his cronies, had found some more 'interesting' substances to occupy the dreary hours of 'hurry up and wait.' The shoot, in and of itself, wasn't even supposed to be today. Colin had, I'd found out, put a few "won'ts" in his spur-of-the-moment agreement with Don and Company. That had all gone out the window with the phone call at ten this morning. Despite my repeated protestations, which included "but what about our day together?",  he'd moved about the suite like a man possessed; showered, shaved, dressed and left snow flying out from all sides of the SUV in less than thirty minutes. "Just..... I'll be there. It's only a re-shoot. I shan't be gone more than six hours." That six hours had ticked off the clock over three hours ago and I'd yet to see anything or anyone that bore even a close resemblance to the man. Oh, and it wasn't just him. Jack was MIA too!

After waiting much too long my stomach, and Hilly's text from Jack "go ahead without us, we'll meet you there about seven", had persuaded me to come down to the dining hall with her. By seven, with no signs the two of them had come in from the cold, I'd let loose on the breads. I had only eaten a very light brunch because, as I was informed, "be prepared for big things tonight," I'd assumed a huge spread was planned.

"I need to go change my top."

"What if they show up when you're gone?"

"You really think they will? I don't. I want to order. And besides, I'm sweating like a pig."

"It is overtly warm in here tonight."

"You think so Hill? They have both fireplaces going..... full blast. Why? It's just us four here tonight. All the doors and windows have thermal coverings pulled tight like they are battening down the hatches. And they've even sectioned it off with that stupid looking huge curtain looking thingy. I'm never, ever, this hot in cold."

"You wore a sweater, Di."

"I've worn a sweater every time we've eaten in here. It's usually like a meat locker. Why would I ever get the idea they'd turn it into Dante's Inferno tonight? And tell me you're not a bit on the warm side yourself."

"Well..."

"Well nothing. What's that, your third, or fourth, glass of water? And here's another napkin, you're starting to perspire. Near your eye there. Now, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"But...."

"Hill, you can look up and see the suites from here. If they deem to grace us with their presence before I get back tell Colin I want the biggest.....whatever."

"Save that for after dinner, Di."

"Shut up, Hilly."

The promise that this trip held had long since become a faded memory, a bitter one at that. Between the weather, the adolescent behavior of Jack and Colin and, now, near starvation, I wished I had just stayed home. I decided, though, that I was through waiting on the guys. Diane and I were both grumpy and hungry. Some happy occasion this was turning out to be. When she returned I planned on ordering some drinks and some dinner. Colin would just have to deal that his plan was altered, that is if he and Jack ever decided to appear. I had tried reaching Jack when he failed to show but, I was immediately connected to his voice mail.  Not a good sign. Diane was on her way back down and I signaled for our waiter. I was done waiting and I knew Diane was as well. We might as well get the party started, since it was becoming so very clear we were on our own.

"Di, I'm going to order us some food before we drop dead.  Wanna daiquiri?

"No, Hill. I want whatever they have that will put me under the table fastest. It would serve him right for me to be out cold the rest of tonight."
"Well, two of those will do that! But let's start with one for now."

"Better still, since it's my birthday and all, let's play, "What's my Line?", only we'll use Jack and Colin's antics, or should I say excuses. You have to name where it was and/or the event, rather than the movie. What do you think?"
"I'm in. Would serve them right."
I was hoping they had something here at the dining hall's bar that would equate to the jellybeans we usually used for our little trivia game. I sat up a bit to look in the direction of the unattended wall of liquor but my head was automatically spun back to that makeshift curtain when an obnoxious, and old, Tom Jones song starting blaring through the whole place: louder than was necessary for comfort to the human ear.
"Who the hell started the sound system?"
I was asking Hilly, but the look on her face and the silent open mouth, that I was certain was trying to respond, was all I needed to conclude she hadn't heard a word I'd uttered.
"What?"
This was just perfect. Now we couldn't even hold a decent conversation. Maybe we should just forget the whole thing, go back to our suites and order in.
But it was futile and let it go as we, in tandem, must have caught the same thing with peripheral vision and turned our heads towards that curtain which was now opening, further and further and revealing.....
"Bloody hell!"
"Oh... My... God!"
"Colin?"
"Jack?"
"Don!!!!???"
"And Jimmy! Sam too!"
I didn't know what to do. I turned my head left, then right. Closed my eyes and opened them, repeatedly. I grabbed up my napkin and shoved it over my mouth, half laughing, half appalled and half - no that's three halves - anyway, shocked beyond words. It didn't matter how I was reacting, nor how Hilly was handling this, they just kept going. This? was my birthday surprise?
Words failed. Truly, I don't even know how I could describe the spectacle before me. How far they intended to go was anybody's guess and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there.
The only thing that was a help, cause truly I had no need to see any of these other gents in states of undress, was the low lighting they had, obviously, ordered up. I had to stand up. As the music went on and on it got more interesting and I didn't want to miss anything. Of course there was only one guy I was interested in anyway, even if I already knew everything there was to know about him; anatomically speaking. I stood and leaned on the table but sent my upper body forward. I was forcing my eyes open as wide as they would go and still focus without blurring.
"Oh Fuck, Hill!"

I immediately started feeling all round the table, then leaned to the side and started to look at the floor.
"What?!?"
"Contact."
"You're kidding!"
"No. And don't drink your water. Hold on. Damn, I'll miss this."
"Impeccable timing as always, Di."
"I didn't ask for it to happen, but, you know my eyes are bugging out from this...."

"Point taken. Close your one eye and get up here, you'll miss it!"
I know I should have been helping Diane, but I was riveted. It was so bad, it was good. Like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn't be doing it, but for the life of you, you can't help yourself. There was Colin and company, parading around in white dress shirts, with the sleeves cut off, shaking their money makers to the tune of, "You Can Leave Your Hat On". Each one of them had leather pants on that were so tight I could tell their religion. I knew though, in my gut, there was more coming. The music was building and I could tell the big finish was just moments away. I stuck my head under the table, grabbed Diane by the arm and gave it a tug.
"You'll hate yourself if you don't get up here."
"Au contraire mon amie... I have a very good view from the bottom, or should I say, bottoms up? Man...what a....."
But I made my way off the floor to next to my chair. I couldn't sit down, not now. I wanted to see everybod... everything there was to see. And I knew it was coming, well, ok I hoped not that, when they all reached down with a hand on either side of their - could we call them pants at all - lower costumes and gave a hard tug out and down.
"Yes!"
"I can't believe they did that!"
If I could whistle I would have. Instead I started clapping and laughing and jumping up and down, forgetting which shoes I had on, and fell on my ass. Not to worry, I quickly righted myself and crawled to the side of the table and sat.... mesmerized.
I sat transfixed and caught a wink and salute from Jack. First the shirts had gone and now the pants and there was nothing left to do except dance on, until the music ended. He'd have some explaining to do, but all I wanted right now was a drink.  I waved over the waiter with instructions to be bring me a gin and tonic.  Yes, I wanted the hard stuff right now.
It all ended so abruptly with the last note. To be honest, it was a good thing. I was hotter now than I had been before and, honestly, I didn't need to be seeing those other guys waving their flags for me. I didn't want to see Jack, either, but that was unavoidable when the others left the room and the 'Cannabis Brothers' came waltzing towards us. Jack made his way over to Hilly, thankfully out of my line of vision and Colin bowed, ok so I suppose it was supposed to be gracious but it looked hysterical, in front of me.
"What the hell have you two been smoking this time?"
I didn't get a verbal response. What I got was picked up and carried towards the stairs. What was happening with Jack and Hilly I hadn't a clue. I looked back at that still set table with nice drinks and the promise of a good steak still beckoning, then held onto Colin's neck tighter as he started the ascent and I peered into his mischievous eyes.
"But what about dinner?"
"Let's start with dessert, shall we?"
Who was I to argue?