Comeuppance

21 October

I fell to the floor in a heap.  I had just gotten the second blow of the evenings knock out punches. I sat there unable to focus on anything, no thoughts in my head. Tears wouldn't even come to help alleviate the malaise that was now filling my whole body. I wrapped my arms around myself and held on as tight as I could. You Reap What You Sow. I'd known that my whole life.  It had never been a valid or tangent concept until this moment.  What had happened between Colin and I, when you came right down to it, was purely a happenstance.  Even his setting up the flat hadn't guaranteed anything would come of it. I had long ago determined that the events were out of our hands.

"I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know how I got into this. I don't now what I was thinking or why I did it."

"Did what?"

"This, all of it.  The, the meeting, the apartment, the letters, the roses, all of it.  I didn't think it through.  I reacted to some, something, I don't know.  You did something to me."

"Which was?"

"I don't know.  I didn't know.  I just thought it would be nice to spend an evening with you.  I really didn't plan for what happened to happen. I have a life out there, this is some sort of..."

"Diversion?"

"No, please no, don't think of yourself as a diversion."

"Then what ?"

No one else would ever see it that way.  Ken nor Adele nor Livi had wanted to hear the whole story.  They were seeing and judging from incomplete facts and their own perceptions.  There was a far greater variation of particulars than any of them cared to hear or wanted to know. For the first time I was intolerably alone in this place.  It was an abhorrent feeling. In the span of six hours I had been both confronted and crushed from two directions.  In six more hours I would have to pull myself together.  That would take a minor miracle.  I would have to use a facade of happiness.  How was I going to do that?"

I woke up and looked at my watch.  I had fallen asleep where I sat but leaned against the entry table. My whole body hurt from head to toe.  I wasn't able to distinguish what was from the awkward position and which was from the emotional upheavals. I didn't have time to think about it.  I was due at ICM in one hour.  I would have to leave in forty minutes to get there on time and I knew I needed a shower.  That would help. It would wash away some of the ache and remnants of last nights escapade on the pool deck. Perhaps it would wash away even more, though I truly doubted it could.  As I stood with my head down and the water cascading down my back I went over every word Livi had spoken.  I chastised myself again for being so oblivious. I'd always known how intelligent she was and how well she knew me. I still couldn't decide if I hadn't wanted to acknowledge her having figured things out.  That I was subconsciously aware she knew and couldn't cope with that fact. Had I truly convinced myself that only Colin and I knew and would keep it to ourselves making no one else the wiser? I was of the final opinion that it no longer mattered. How all of it would finally affect our friendship would remain to be seen.  Had I broken a trust or not? Should I have shared or not?  I didn't know.  It was all so personal and a totally unreasonable expectation for me to share this information that was so special and so impenetrable. Why did everyone think I should have? Though I never did quite get it to a point of equanimity. Conceivably, Livi may have helped me reach it. I needed some encouragement and support before this meeting, I wasn't going to get any.  I knew I would probably run into Colin when I was there. I was in no mood to be anywhere near him today or perhaps ever again.  I was wavering between needing an explanation and not wanting to know at all. I was still very hurt and very enraged.

I rushed around to dress as quickly as I could.  I had to wear something other than jeans for this.  All I had was the outfit I'd bought when I was here before. I had packed it just in case. I knew it would be recognized, it didn't matter.  I opted out of the BJD blue tank and replaced it with a cranberry pullover.  Ready as I was going to be, I headed out the door for the lobby and asked for them to ring me a taxi.  The distance was relatively short but I didn't feel like walking. Besides, I didn't want that much more time to be thinking about my misery. I already would have enough idle time on my hands later today. As I left the building I went over to the apartment manager.  "Hello, how are you today?"

"Just fine ma'am, yourself?"

"Oh, fair I guess.  I wanted to ask you if you or someone here could do me a favor, if it's possible."

"I see, that would be according to the nature of it I would think."

"Fair enough then.  There are several bouquets of roses in the flat I am in.  I was wondering if someone could get them out of there for me?  I really am having a problem with them being there."

"Oh?" 

"Yes. I'll be back in a few hours.  I would be eternally grateful."

I was aware that this man knew more than I cared and I was sure he knew where the flowers had come from, I didn't care.

I arrived at ICM precisely on the hour.  Not too bad.  It wasn't the first time in my life that I had to rush.  I stood outside the main door reminding myself I needed to put personal problems aside.  This was for the Fan Club, not for me.  I wasn't sure I was up to handling it.

"Where's the strong woman I thought you were?"

I heard my daughters admonition in my head.  Yes, my daughter would be my strength today.  She had reminded me that I was a woman with great inner strength. I would let her words roll around my head.  I opened the front door.  As I did, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Colin and Ken walking together towards the building.  I quickly entered and made my way to the receptionists desk.

"Morning, Diane, and how are you?"

"Oh, not too bad, I suppose." I kept watching the door.  I didn't want to be anywhere near either of those men, if I could help it. "Where am I supposed to go first today?"

"Upstairs, same room as before.  Oh, say, how'd that dinner go last night?  Bet you were surprised by the other guests, huh?"

I looked over, they had entered and were heading in my direction.

"Yes that, it didn't go well actually.  But, thanks for asking."  She looked puzzled and it appeared more inquiries would be imminent.  In unison we were both greeted, "Morning ladies."  She stood up and shook both their hands and gave directions.  "Upstairs first gentlemen."  I was dauntless and said nothing.  Ken headed for the lift, pushed the button and waited there.  Colin, who was getting a look of contempt from me, turned and spoke.

"Morning, Diane."

I turned my eyes away.

He continued.  "I hope you're alright."

I put my chin up and pulled my shoulders back in defiance. How did he have the nerve to even come this close to me?  Let alone speak to me.  I perceived that the receptionist was missing none of this.  I turned to her and mouthed "I'm okay."  Colin just stood his ground as the lift arrived.  He asked politely, "shall we all go up then?"  I looked at him, looked at Ken, turned around and headed for the stairway. Before opening the doorway to climb the flights and before the lift door closed, I turned back and yelled, "Sod off!"

I opened the office door and froze.  Christ!  How embarrassing. The other attendees to this meeting, everyone one of them, Tim, Eric, Ken and Colin turned and marked my entrance.  I cleared the lump in my throat and forced my emotions to be contained.  "Good morning, gentlemen." They all followed me with their eyes.  I felt like I was being tested.  "What?"  That just popped out of my mouth as I took a seat next to Tim.  Lesser of many evils I assured myself.  I was well acquainted with the fact that everyone here had varying degrees of knowledge about last nights' fiasco. I put my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my hands.  I looked around the table.  Apparently now, not one of them would meet my eyes directly. "Are you all going to sit around staring at me all day or is someone going to explain why we are having a meeting instead of the singular interviews?"

Tim finally broke the chagrined disposition they all seemed to be in. "We thought it might be appropriate, after last night, to have a few things clarified before we proceed with the remaining filming or do any more editing."

"Such as?"

"We wanted to discuss whether or not Colin wants to continue this project to its' conclusion.  Also, if he wants to keep the fan club at all.  If he doesn't then the first part, I presume, would be moot."

I pursed my lips and glowered at Colin.

"We also wanted to ask if you still wanted to finish this."

I was livid.  How dare they? I was the injured party.  I was boiling.

"Excuse me, but I seem to recall that I was the one upset last night, not Colin.  I realize he's the big star and all, but.....ah, fuck it. Would it really matter, Tim, if the club is disbanded?  I see that as the main issue here.  Ahead of Colin continuing with the shoot, don't you?  The video is for the club.  If there is no fan club, we don't need to finish the thing.  So whether or not any of us chooses to participate is a non-issue in the long run.  Now, if Mr. Firth hasn't made a decision yet, I, for one, am not going to sit here for hours on end until he makes up his mind."

I stood up to leave.  Colin looked at me flabbergasted.  Eric spoke for the first time. "You're absolutely right on both counts.  We have your number, we can call you and let you know.  Colin, we'll wait to hear from you.  Oh, and, Diane, will Olivia be available later? She hasn't shown for the management meeting as yet."

"No, she won't be here, she's gone."

I gathered my things, got up, and gave Colin a look of scorn.

"She's gone? Where?  What do you mean by that?" Eric sounded sincere in his inquiry.  As I moved towards the door to leave, I answered, "Ask Colin, he's great at telling stories." 

I closed my eyes and breathed out hard as I shut the door behind me.  I glanced back at the office as the lift door opened.  The men were all exiting together. Colin saw me and walked over.

"Diane, what the hell was that?"

I was biding my time on a reply. I got on the lift, hit the ground floor button and as the doors closed I leaned forward towards him, "Revenge, Colin."

I got outside.  The sun was trying to make an appearance. I was trying for a quick exit but my legs were being attacked by adrenaline.  I would have to wait for a cab instead of walking to the tube. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Low blow, Diane."  It was Ken.

I had a short reply.  "Fuck off, Ken."

That had actually felt good. I turned and started walking down the street.  The sun would do me good.

The roses were gone, but sadly and more importantly, so was Livi. It was only eleven-thirty in the morning.  I didn't have anything else to do today. Livi and I had made plans to go out tonight. That was no longer a viable option.  I had done well, more than actually, at the meeting.  I had held my ground and I think they all knew where I was coming from.  The built up adrenaline that had gotten me through was wearing off.  I was getting fatigued, partially from the emotional drain and partially from lack of sleep. I needed to rest but knew I wouldn't be able to with all of the anger and thoughts still lingering. I went to the bedroom to see if I had something, anything, that might help me rest. I had my prescription naproxen.  It was really for inflammation, but each was 500 milligrams.  I'd taken three at a time before that relaxed me. I knew it wouldn't harm me.  I changed into one of my sundresses and took the pills.  I don't know why but I went and lay down in the master bedroom.

The sunlight shown through my dress, I knew it was and he did too.  I could feel his warm smile over my entire body. The park was beautiful, yet strangely deserted. There seemed to be no one else around. I went over to the fountain and stood near the edge. He walked up behind me. God he looked wonderful.  "You look radiant today, did you know that?"

"Colin, stop, I'm not ever radiant."

"Yes you are, it's a matter of perception and definition.  And it's my perception that you are."

"In that case, you can flatter me all you want."

"That's something one can take in several ways."

"What is?"

"Nothing."

"You do that to me alot."

I turned my attentions back to the fountain and leaned over to run my hands along the top of the water. Immediately I was startled by his hands lifting my dress above my hips and the full thrust of his member entering me. God, it was wonderful to have him inside me again.

I woke up startled.  Damn it! I wasn't supposed to be dreaming like that. Not about him.  I was too angry.  Why did it happen now?  I was contemplating the ill timed dream my mind had conjured up when I realized music was coming from the living room.  Son of a bitch, I'd forgotten he had a key. I was even more angry than before, if that was possible. I jumped off the bed and ran down the hall.  "You God damn son of a bitch.  What the hell are you doing here? Just because this is your place it didn't give you any right to just let yourself in."  I was fuming, more than fuming. "Get the fuck out of here, I don't even want to see you.  What the hell were you thinking?"

He had stood up and faced me.  I was losing it completely. He appeared astonished and startled with me.  I was more than gratified.

"How the hell did you expect me to feel?  Didn't the meeting today give you a clue? Are you playing fucking stupid or are you that damn dense? Christ Almighty Colin, what a presumption you made coming here tonight.  What did you expect would happen?  You know, I really don't give a shit, just fucking leave."

He had gotten to a point that he had set his jaw in anger too, but, he never said a word.  He leaned down and grabbed his jacket off the sofa and went to the door. He stopped abruptly.  "Diane, you have to hear me out. Let me know when you're ready."  He left and slammed the door behind him.  I stomped my feet several times. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

The phone rang. By the caller ID I knew it wasn't him.

"Hello?"

"Diane? Tim Bevan here. How are you this evening?"

Christ if he only knew.

"Okay, I suppose. You have news?

"Yes, it's all a go. Can you be here at one tomorrow?  We'll do your interview then go over and redo the set at Barnard Park."

"Oh, that's wonderful.  Sure, I'll be there."

There wasn't an ounce of enthusiasm in my voice, but I wasn't doing this for me.

"Great, see you then."

"Yeah, okay, see ya."

I slammed the phone down. "That son of a bitch."