All The Wrong Reasons

14 September

Thom had let me sleep in, almost too long. He admitted to feeling worse than he thought he would, but he had straightened himself with aspirin, breakfast and a shower. He'd also told me how bad a shape Jack had been in when he'd practically carried him to bed last night. But now was not the time to be discussing anything at all about the events that occurred in the past sixteen or so hours. Now was time for me to see him off, back to Austin. He had to be there tomorrow and I had night shoots to begin. So, when I returned to the penthouse, now eerily empty and quiet, I could only wonder how I was going to adjust to it all. I'd slept well and long, but I had to be downtown at two in the morning. That was twelve hours from now at the end of a long, lonely, contemplative day instead of the beginning of one. If I stayed up the whole time I'd be dragging almost before we started. If I napped I was certain I'd be up way too far into tomorrow. How did one do this? How did you turn your internal clock around on a dime? I'd never been able to adjust to these rotations, the jet lag, the swing shifts, for several days, yet I had to do it in a few hours. By eight I was wavering on a nap or no and decided I'd better. I found my Sleepinal at the bottom of my carry on and was out like a light about twenty minutes or so later. I'd had time to set my clock for midnight and read until I fell asleep. The alarm was slapped off three times before my brain associated the obnoxious ring with the fact I had to get up and why. I dragged myself to the shower, dressed and got to the shoot a  few minutes before two. I have to admit I avoided Colin like the plague, which didn't get past Ken who questioned why I had suddenly become a leech. I think Colin understood, but I wasn't about to have a one-on-one discussion on it. Not here, not now. It would have to wait for another time and place. I didn't totally avoid him, it was practically impossible, but I did my best.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine..you?"

"Have you...I suppose the other night."

"I'm fine, truly. I have to get back to work."

It was all we said to each other for five long excruciating hours. This night shooting was the pits and you got practically nothing done, so I found out. We only had three more nights and I was not having good thoughts or feelings about us accomplishing our goal. So even with the nap, the stresses of the first night had worn me out. By seven I was more than ready and completely happy to make the trip back to my hotel.

I walked in the door, threw all my junk on the table, headed to my bedroom and slipped out of my clothes. I threw on a teddy and went for a cup of decaffeinated tea. Caffeine would just keep me awake and thinking. I stood, rubbing my eyes and yawning a bit, against the counter, watching the microwave count down the incessant minute-thirty that I always 'cooked' the tea on when I was in a hurry for a cup and used a bag instead of tea leaves. It felt like it was taking twice that time when the door bell rang.

"Damn, did we have room service ordered for today? Shit, I should have checked and cancelled."

I think I talked to myself more and louder when I was tired.

"Why didn't I think to do that?"

I opened the door to what I hoped would be a cart with real tea on one of the trays.

"Colin. What are you...something important?"

That's when I saw the luggage that he immediately picked up and walked in past me, put them down and waited for me to turn towards him.

"You might want to close the door."

"I might, then again not. What's wrong? Are you leaving? You can't you know, we have a contract, we have a movie to produce. You can't let me to the wolves."

"I hadn't intended any of those scenarios."

"Then...did you have a wild party and they kicked you......wait...."

"Which room should I take?"

"Which room? Are you daft? You can't stay here."

"By the way, I hear you accepted going to the Gala with Ken. Shall we go as a trio then?"

"You're going too? Wait a minute, you're avoiding the issue here."

"Which was?"

"Don't be obtuse with me, you know damn well what it is. You have to go Colin, I promised. This just can't....we can't."

"You promised what....to whom?"

"Don't.... just don't. I'm too tired to even think. This can wait till later. Would you please just leave? I want to go to bed. So I'm going. Let yourself out or settle into one of the guests rooms. Frankly, right now, I don't even know which end is up, let alone making any decisions."

I decided my tea was probably cold by now and I didn't need it to help me sleep anymore. I was worn out enough that I could tell I'd fall asleep before my head hit the pillow. I left him standing there with lingering questions that I didn't want to get into at present. How was I going to tell him I'd promised to not couple with him for the entire stay after we already had twice? And was it even right to do so? I didn't get ten feet when there was another intruder, banging on my door, to my attempted respite.

"Did you want me to get that?"

"I don't care, it's probably just room service anyway. You eat it, I'm going to sleep."

I stopped as he pulled it open.

"I am a bit peckish...oh bloody hell."

I turned around, looked, and sat down on the step I was on; as my heart fell into my stomach.

On Sunday Jack had spent most of the day alternating between the bed and the bathroom. He was paying dearly for his binge. Instead of the day being a total loss, I used it to my advantage to get a head start on the week ahead; which I knew would be a strange one. With the night shoots on the agenda it was going to be difficult to get together with Diane and Colin. We would be on totally different schedules. With that in mind I finished up the necessary paperwork that would be needed when we moved the production to London. I would catch them first thing on Monday morning and have all the documents in the appropriate hands before close of business London time. Foresight aside however, I had another motivation driving my diligence; it kept me from dwelling on Colin and Diane's latest indiscretion. Truth be told, this was really none of my business, yet I felt it was. I think my underlying concern was fear, I was afraid for them. If word got out that they were mixing business and pleasure all those rumors from the past would come flooding back with a vengeance. This time no amount of "spin" would put it right. And I also had Jack to deal with. When he finally emerged from our bedroom in the early evening I would have blasted him for his supreme idiocy if he still didn't look so wretched. My offer of something to eat was met by a pathetic groan as he basically traded the bed for the couch. I got him some club soda and another round of aspirin. We did get a chance to talk things through and he was no longer under the impression I was trying to do him in. He told what started his Crown Royal bender was how nonchalant Thom was acting. Thom was talking with him as if it was just any other time, when in fact it was so not like any other time. Poor Jack. He could deal with Thom and Diane and he could deal with Colin and Diane. However, Thom, Colin and Diane was not something he could mete out at all. I kept my own qualms to myself; there was nothing Jack could do about it anyway. We called it an early night and even though Jack had recovered enough to relieve some of my stress, I spent a restless night and was up early. I took a quick shower and just threw on my gym clothes. After I got together with Diane and Colin I could head there to, hopefully, work-out more of my tension. I decided to stop at Diane's suite first. I knew the hour sucked and that she would be exhausted from the shoot, but all she needed to do was scribble her signature where indicated and I'd be gone. Then I'd have to track down Colin. I tried calling his cell phone twice, but each time it went straight to his voice mail, maybe Diane knew where he was. As her door opened, all I could think of was "Fuck! I should have known!"

"Colin...why don't you go choke on some breakfast? Hilly...."

I stood up more perturbed than ever.

"Don't go...come in. Please?"

I wasn't upset, but I was. I had no cause to be really. Nothing was going on and nothing had happened. I got myself up, took a deep breath and walked over, grabbing the door and shoving Colin, almost right into Hilly.
"Sorry for the intrusion, but I need these papers signed to get things moving for London. So, if you two could put your collective libidos aside for say about thirty seconds and give me your John Hancock's, I'll be on my way."
"No."
Colin, albeit appearing a bit confused turned back to me.
"Go find something useful to do. We'll talk later...maybe."
I pulled Hilly in around him and slammed the door shut.
"I'm actually glad to see you."
"Di, I need you and Colin to sign this shit, I need to get it to London before close of business. That's all I need and all I am interested in pursuing at this point."
I made my way over to the sofa, threw his smaller bag on the floor and sat down.
"Well, I need a level head to talk to. I've not been privy to much of that lately, especially so far today."
I picked up the smaller bag that had landed next to me. I held it out in front of her and began to swing it to and fro.
"Really? I would say everything has been decided."
"About what?"
"About what? Thom has barely left the country and you have Colin move in."
"No I haven't. Oh right, those. No, I told him to go. He just showed up right before you - part and parcel. I just want to go to bed."
I bit my tongue, I was going to make a smart ass remark to her last statement, but decided against it.
"Can you hang on a second, I'm going to get my tea."
"Yea, sure."
"This night shoot business is crap. I don't know how the hell I'll make it for another night and then attend that damn Gala."
"What?"
I wrang my tea bag, spooned in a level of sugar...and dropped the cup in the sink.
"Christ Hilly. You scared the shit out of me and I started that cup of tea thirty minutes ago."
"Forget your fucking tea. What gala? When and with whom?"
"The Tuesday one. I don't even have anything to wear. I didn't pack for it."
"Let's leave your wardrobe aside shall we? You cannot go Di, it's insane."
I carefully picked up the ceramic pieces now adorning the sink, walked over to the trash and looked up at Hilly as I dropped them into the can.
"Why the hell not? I've never been to one."
I think I finally understood Jack's remark about being the only sane person in an insane world. I slumped into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and retrieved my cigarettes from the pocket of my jacket. I lit one, not caring if there was an ashtray about or not, but one did appear. I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I could hold my temper, it was slipping fast.
"Do you want me to draw a map Di? Tell me you have no idea how it would look for you and Colin to go traipsing around town together."
"I'm not going with Colin, I'm going with Ken. He invited me last night during the shoot. I had no idea Colin was going until he told me when he got here. That he's going isn't my fault or my problem. He can be avoided, as would be appropriately necessary."

"Diane, listen to yourself! First off, tell me you cannot connect the fucking dots that if Ken invited you that Colin would be coming along as well. Colin would make damn sure he would."
"And so? Don't get your bowels in an uproar. We're not going as the three stooges. I'm going with Ken...end of story."
"Sure you are."
"What do you want me to do? Lie? I've no intentions of seeing Colin off set between now and my leaving."
"Well that will be kinda hard since he seems to have moved in. Oh right, you had no clue. My mistake."
"He hasn't moved in. I told him...oh fuck."
I ran my fingers through my hair.
"I said I didn't care if he stayed or left I just wanted some shut eye."
"Di, this movie is going to bring a whole lot of speculation when it's released. If other events hadn't transpired I would have no concerns about what you and Colin do or don't do. But one misstep. One errant photograph that could be interpreted in a bad light... "
I started to get a little perturbed now, by her insinuations and my arms got animated.
"There isn't going to be anything. What do you think? That I...I talked him into coming here this morning? That I told him to get last minute tickets to the Gala? The damn thing was sold out weeks ago. There won't be any photographs Hilly. Nobody cares."
"Okay, Di, now I know you have lost it. No photographs, please!! Colin is well know in this town, they know he is here!"
"And I'll be with Ken. I haven't done a thing to raise any form of speculation and I won't."
I got up from my seat and stood right in front of her.
"People talk, how do you think all that gossip reaches the rags? Some hotel maid I bet has already taken note that Colin has brought his belongings to this suite."
"Oh, please. And he'll carry them right out again when I allow him back in here....later."
"The damage has been done!"
"Nothing has been done."
There was no mistake that we were at odds and nothing was going to be resolved. I felt she was dismissing my concerns and maybe I was over-reacting, but I thought so much was at stake. And people do talk and things get out, whether they are true or not. Many a reputation has been tarnished with innuendo.
"I need those papers signed Di and I need them faxed to London before close of business their time."
"Wait........I think Hilly, that sometimes you feel I'm reckless in this relationship. I told you I wasn't going to allow the personal to interfere in the professional here...and I haven't. I don't know what else I have to do. He's not moved in, I'm not going to the damn party with him............"
I thought I would be able to leave without tearing into her. But now that seemed impossible.
"You haven't allowed the personal to interfere with the professional!?! Give me a fucking break - you have fucked him twice already! And once on the set. How irresponsible is that?!? And don't even go there that he started it. I don't want to hear that lame excuse. Then on Saturday you fucked him again. Ya know what? Let's just save everyone a lot of trouble. Just take a full page add in the Toronto Sun. "I am shagging Colin Firth and I Don't Care Who Knows."
"Maybe I will. I can't help it if I need to be with him, but I made the attempt, didn't I? Him, Thom, now him again. I'm heading this off, nobody has to know."
I should have kept my mouth shut and let her go on, but I couldn't and I didn't and I had a feeling it wasn't going to get better.
"Diane, I, of all people know your need of him. I, of all people, have been your advocate in all of this. I have fought with Jack over your relationship with Colin. So, with all that history between us, don't you think I would champion your cause? Unless I saw a problem in the works?"
"Plausibly you don't understand as much as you've led me, or yourself, to believe all this time. In all probability, no one else ever will and I could be reaching the juncture where I just don't give a damn. And maybe I will ask him to stay here the next three days and whatever comes of it, so be it."
"Okay fine. If that's how you feel then there is nothing more I can say. I'm leaving for Austin tomorrow."
"Whatever. You go do for yourself, I can take care of me."
"Just leave the paperwork with the Front Desk. I'll pick it up later."
I didn't say a word as she threw them at me and they landed at my feet. All I felt right now was angry as she reached the door and looked back at me. Her eyes were comparably fiery and set as mine. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the door. We both wanted to say something, but there was nothing to say, not now. I watched as she walked slowly, but purposefully, out and closed the door in silence. I fell into the nearest chair and pulled a pillow to my chin. I supposed I dozed off for quite awhile and was aroused from that state by a gentle tugging at my arm. I looked up into bemused brown eyes staring intently at me.
"Is everything all right?"
"Not exactly."
"And?"
"Go unpack. I'm going to bed, you can join me if you like."