It's Only A Cactus, Butt

22 October

I got up at an ungodly early hour today. Waaayyy earlier than the rest. At least my escapade was planned. I knew, after yesterday, that Colin wasn't about to come with me. He and Jack had succumbed to mild heat exhaustion and the day was shot. What we got done, after finding the hand-held in Jack's side case, was done by Hilly and I. We'd managed to stay within the confines of the Basin and got some good footage. Today, before dawn, I was heading out, back towards the main entrance, to Hannold Draw. I wanted a sunrise there. I managed several and ended up with a particularly spectacular shot that I was quite proud of.

I got back in decent enough time to a lifeless camp and curled back in bed next to Colin. It was only six and we weren't going anywhere until around ten. I supposed I could at least rest there next to him for an hour or two, even if I didn't sleep. I slid under the cover and had an arm immediately wrap around me.

"Did you get what you wanted?"

"I think so, yes."

"Good. I wanted to thank you for yesterday, Jo."

"Not to worry. Someone has to take care of you if you won't."

"Agreed."

He pulled me closer to him and I had to have dozed off. That is, until I heard odd noises, like swishing or slapping or something, that woke me from my short, secondary, respite. I sat up and listened more closely, trying to figure it out as I put on my glasses and noticed an absent Colin. It was no surprise, you could smell the breakfast fire going. We had summarily volunteered them for duty today, after what they did yesterday. I stood up and went over to replace the glasses with my contacts, got dressed and exited to just outside our tent to find Hilly, in a similar posture, at theirs.

Even with the air mattress we had sleeping on the ground was taking it toll. If curiosity hadn't gotten the better of me I would have stayed put until Jack arrived with my coffee and a hand to pull into a sitting position. But when I heard Jack's voice utter the words, "Shoo! Shoo!," well, there was no way I couldn't investigate. Of course the racket had stirred Diane as well. With the same unspoken mindset of, "what fine mess did they get themselves into this time?", Diane and I looped arms and headed over to Jack and Colin. We prepared for the unexpected, that seemed mandatory these days when those two were together, however, I can truly say nothing would have prepared Diane, or myself, for the scene that greeted us. There was Jack, waving ball cap in his hand, and Colin with a dish towel in his, taking swipes at the largest, ugliest, vulture I had ever seen, in the vain attempt to banish it from the campsite. The vulture had taken up residence on the roof of the eating Pavilion, and I swear, it seemed amused by the spectacle that was Colin and Jack. I know it amused Di and I and there was no way our laughter could be suppressed.

I looked at Hilly then back at Colin.
"He's here for you Colin."

He stopped jumping in the air and threw me a look.

"You think this is funny?"

"Well... yes."

That stopped Jack, who turned to Colin, stared at his hat and the towel in Colin's hand and they both busted out.
"She's right you know."

"Is she? So what do we do about the food, then?"

"Colin, vultures are drawn to dead and rotting things. I don't think that's much of a commentary on your culinary skills, do you?"

"You pointed out I was the target first. Dead? Rotting?"

"Maybe not that, but certainly the meat is being wasted. This week anyway."

I walked past him to the fire and poured some hot water into my tin and turned back as Jack went past him and tapped his shoulder cheekily with his index finger.

"That's sad mate, really sad."

"Not funny, dude."

I was ever so grateful I'd just filled my cup but hadn't had the time for it to become tea, nor to cool down, because if it had gotten to my mouth I would have done a spit take better than Colin had thus far been able to manage. My cup, from my catching my laugh, did find it's way to the ground, spilling the boiling liquid away from me.

"There goes my breakfast."

"I don't think the rest of us are going to fare any better Di!"

I looked over to what was passing for our morning meal. Jack and Colin had been so focused on the intruder that meal preparation had been forsaken. The toast was, well... toast. The pancakes, I think that's what they were supposed to be, could be more likened to hockey pucks in both color and consistency. The eggs remained the only salvageable fare since they remained in their shells. Diane and I surveyed the wreckage. We both offered our opinion on the matter.

"UGH!"

Jack assured us that more was on the way and they both set about getting a decent breakfast on the table, now that our early morning visitor had grown bored and flew off to other pursuits.  We were dawdling over the remains before heading out to go riding. We were mixing business with a little pleasure.

It was a pleasant enough day, even after getting down from the mountains into the valleys and the desert floor. That is, for now. It was only going on ten and hot wouldn't hit for another six hours. We were heading out to where there was little shade or cover of any kind until we got close to Cattail Canyon, six miles out. Six miles takes time on a horse, especially when you knew you'd be stopping, dismounting, taking pictures and footage and trampling about. It could take those six hours to get there and back. At least we were fully stocked with survival items, first aid equipment and correct clothing. Lajitas Stables wasn't a long drive, by Big Bend standards, from our campsite. But, when we got there, almost immediately, I could tell this was going to be a very long day. Colin practically bounded towards the stables, apparently to obtain the best steed, before we even got a handshake from the proprietor to set up who, what, how many, how long, how much and sign on the dotted line. It was obvious the guy in the barn had become Colin's new best friend because he was walking with Colin, who was leading his mount, towards us before I had my credit card out of my back pocket.
"Is that fair?"
"Sorry?"
"Oh, well, just go off and choose the best mount and leave us here to get the old gray mare, or something."
"They're all fine animals."
"So, go get me one then."
"I'd the thought we'd go together, on this one."
"Oh, you did, did you? Thanks, but....no. I'm going it alone, if you don't mind."
It seemed that Colin was intent on showing off his horse-riding prowess. Now I agree that the guy sits a great seat, but the rest of us were not too shabby in that department either. I looked over at Di, whose displeasure was visible. For once, in some very long weeks, I was glad to be in Jack's company. As ever, I could count on Jack to send a zinger Colin's way. While we made our way over to get our own horses I heard Jack clear his throat and look over at Colin. With his hand semi-covering his mouth, but not enough where his words would be garbled, he said just one word.
"Nostromo."

Diane appreciated the joke, but Colin, well, not so much as he glared at Jack.
"You're just full of it, I mean zingers today, aren't you? We'll just see about that."
I looked at Hilly who caught that "oh Christ no, not again," look of fear that crossed my face. Colin had just thrown down another gauntlet and I was certain neither one of them was going to let this go.
"That's it, I'm definitely going solo."
It was not going to be easy, but for the first two miles Hilly and I rode the inside, keeping the guys apart riding the outside of us. Just beyond this point we started to slowly walk our steeds at ever increasing angles to make the separation further and further apart. There was no way this was going to be a tobacco spitting contest or the Big Bend Derby between these two.
Half way to our destination Colin and I stopped to take some moving shots with the mini DV, found a tree to tie up our horses and started walking a bit. I let him take the camera. After going about fifty yards he stopped and stopped the camera.
"What did you mean, a then and now photo?"
"Huh?"

"Yesterday. You said, I couldn't get a then and now picture."
"Did I?"
"You damn well did and you know it."
"So I did."
"And?"
"Nothing really. Besides, no ten gallon hat around."
"It wasn't."
"Ha, you knew all along."
"Just wanted to see if we were on the same page."
"Yes, well, it's likely thirty some odd years too late. It really would look silly, don't you think?"
"You think so?"

"Oh come on....you have to...yes...it would. Let's go. We have things to do and miles to go before we sleep."
I had given Jack one of our extra digital cameras. Diane and I had both agreed that multiple shots with different perspectives would be prudent since we did not have the luxury of a lot of time out here. I watched Jack work. He was a magician with a camera, there was no doubt about that, always making our simple vacation pictures works of art. But was that enough to be successful in his new career path? I had to put those thoughts aside as there was work to be done and we were nearing the Falls. I turned to see Colin and Diane several yards behind us. I called out to hurry them along.
"Hey you slow pokes - get a move on, now!"
I kicked my horse's sides to get him to a trot and settled in next to Hilly.
"Go ahead, you take the falls, we'll hit the canyon."
Then I stopped until they had moved along and Colin caught up to me.
"Come on Hopalong, we're heading west."
Jack and I decided to take a breather after getting some magnificent pictures of the falls. I know my backside needed the break. While I knew how to ride, it had been several years since I had. We found a shady spot and tethered the horses. Jack pulled some water from his saddlebags and handed one to me then found a rock to park on.
"Have a seat, Babe."
"No thanks. I need to stand for a while."
"What's wrong?"
"My ass is killing me."
Jack started laughing and came over to me.
"Can I be of assistance?"
Without waiting for my answer he started caressing my sore behind with both hands and nibbling my neck with his lips.
"Feeling better, Hilly? Is that helping?"
I had to say that I was certainly forgetting all about my aches as I reached for Jack's zipper. My hand found its way into his pants as Jack pulled me closer to him and we slid to the ground.

We had actually made good time getting here and I was already pleased with the footage we'd gathered. I knew Jack would work wonders with Cattail Falls and I could see Colin wasn't doing such a swift job with the ever increasing temperatures. We hit the narrow entrance to the canyon that also contained the runoff and a stream whose origins were the falls. Then it hit me.
"Rocks? We have to navigate rocks... on horseback?"
"Did you want to leave them and walk down? It really isn't that bad a climb down for them."
"It is if I'm in charge. I think I'll walk."
You have to know this was almost too perfect a spot to let an opportunity pass. Especially since it was the first time I figured I might get some this week. And I wasn't going to let it slip away, not this time. We got down close to the edge of the water, with a nice rock barrier. Like we needed one. There wasn't another homo sapien in the near vicinity. Okay, so Jack and Hilly were at the falls, but, you know. I caught Colin's eyes. I was positive we were still on the same page.
"Did you care too?"
"I'll never understand why you have to ask when you know."
He shrugged and took off his shirt. We both were in long sleeves. It sounds ass backwards, but you were better off wearing long in heat, in this sun, in this environment. It took me about five minutes, or it felt like it, to unlace my hiking boots. I had double knotted them. I kept watching him. He was watching me.
"Is this a peep show or are we going to do the nasty?"
"Both, I imagine."
"Not. Undress bucko!"
I set my clothes in the groove of a boulder and had just put my boots next to them when I heard a grunt, pounding and turned.
"Oh, shit, no!! Colin!!!!"
Then covered my eyes as he fell. He had gotten out of his kit, almost. I caught him with his right foot, apparently, caught in the hole in his boxers and.... down he went.
"F U C K !!!"
That was all that came out of his mouth. But it was blood curdling. I imagined how loud he must have been the time he'd caught his hand in a window. This had to be worse. Coyotes likely took that sound for the death throes of some prey. I half expected to be surrounded any moment. He had landed, on his ass, on a prickly pear.
He was screaming and his eyes were bulging out and he was definitely in pain. He was also pleading with me without saying anything. I knew it had to hurt but I wanted to laugh.
"Roll off of it, Colin."

"What?"

"Move your white, bony, English ass before they get in too deep."
"They?"

"The quills!"
"Quills?"

Okay, it had obviously blocked his cognitive functions so I went over, one hand on his shoulder and the other on his waist, and slowly rolled him to his side. His expression the whole time was one of having open heart surgery without an anesthetic.
"Stay here... I... I'll be back."
"What? Back? You're leaving me like this? I'm injured....  I'm naked."
"And our vulture friend is back at camp. You'll be fine."
"What of poison....oh....ouch...fuck this hurts."
"It's a plant, a cactus, dangerous, not lethal. Now let me get something to help."
I ran up the canyon incline and fumbled around in my saddlebag first aid kit. I'd known to bring this. The problem now was, I didn't have what I needed. I let out a big breath and knew what I had to do, and soon, so they didn't go in too far. I turned, walked about five steps down and yelled at Colin.
"I have to go. I have to find Jack. I need something I don't have here."

Then turned and started off at a quick pace. I heard him.
"But you're totally naked."
Without turning back I screamed... "I know!"
Jack was taking full advantage of our temporary treaty and taking his time. There was no hurry, no need to rush. Colin and Diane would be in the canyon for hours and I would be willing to bet the ranch, eventually, similarly occupied. That's why when I heard her, it seemed but not two feet away, I almost broke Jack's nose when I bolted upright.
"You guys have a comb? Preferably a pocket comb?"
Jack put his hands to his nose to check for bleeding. There was none, but he felt compelled to make an issue of it.
"Fuck, Hilly."
He got up from me and turned to Diane. Anger, livid, furious, pick one, they all described Jack. He faced Diane with full fury.
"Well, Di, let me check! Nope, it seems I don't have a comb in the pocket of my butt cheek."
That's when it hit Jack that he was naked and so was Diane. He ripped his ball cap from his head, how that stayed on amazed me, covered his dignity and averted his eyes.

"You're ...you're ..."

"Naked? Yes, I know, so are you."
"Hilly! Throw Di your shirt."

"I don't have time to play dress up. Do you have a damned comb or not? Believe it or not, this is an emergency."
Jack scrambled around and got his lower half-dressed, while I donned his shirt.
"Di, are you on same strange scavenger hunt? Why in the world do you need a comb, like right now!"
"Colin. Need I say more?"
I crossed my arms and started taping my silent bare foot in the water.
"By the way Jack, nice ass. Now, do you, in fact, have that comb? If not I have to check my brain for the next viable option."
Jack went a dozen shades of red. Checked the back pocket of his jeans and produced for Di her precious comb.
"Here, Di and I don't want it back."
I didn't wait as I got weird looks. I had to get back. I turned on one heel, then looked back over my shoulder.

"He fell on a prickly pear, ass first."

Then started running back towards the canyon.

"This is not what I expected."
"Oh, what, did you think I'd find a surgeon out here? Lie back down."
"This is going to hurt."
"Not too much. Stop squirming."
I ran the comb across his cheek in a smooth, fast motion, across and up. I had to do it twice.

Jack and I got the rest of our clothing back on and ran after Diane. It was not to revel in Colin's distress, but she may have needed a hand in getting him put together. As Diane removed the quills from Colin's posterior I could see Jack wince in commiseration.
"Damn, Dude you should see your ass. Looks like a pin cushion."
I jammed my elbow in his side and hissed at him.
"That's not helpful, Jack!"
Colin's face fell into cupped hands on the ground. I got up and over to the rock to start getting dressed.
"Hilly, can you find me the Neosporin cream in my saddlebag? The larger tube."
"Yeah, sure."
I looked back at Colin who was now trying to see what had happened to his million dollar buttock.
"This is going to put a dent in my shooting schedule."
"You'll live and likely be fine tomorrow."
"There are holes."
"That are closing up as we speak."
"Then what of the cream?"
"Precaution."
"Precaution?"
"Look, it's minor. My concern at the moment is, how do we get you back to camp?"
"Sorry?"
I looked at Jack who was ready to bust a gut.
"Any ideas Sheriff Crafton?"

Jack pushed the visor of his ball cap up on his forehead with his thumb and then crossed his arms against his chest. He then did a very poor impression of John Wayne... very poor.
"Well, Miss Diane, seein' as this cowpoke's ass end is in a hurtful state. It might be best if he laid across his little pony. Then we'all could lead him back to camp."
I leaned over to stifle a laugh as I did the last button on my shirt. Hiding a smirk, I peeked over at Colin.
"I think you have to try to get your jeans on, Tonto."
"But...."
"Exactly, and I know, it hurts. Just wait till you try to ride."
"I'll manage."
"I think Jack's idea is workable, though."
"Not funny."
"It is too!"

"Or," I pulled on a boot, "there's always side saddle."
"You're all enjoying this immensely, aren't you?"
Hilly handed me the tube of cream which I spread over his ass, thickly. I had nothing to wipe my hands with so I used his shirt.
"You two go get your stuff. Meet you at the entrance to the falls."
I did my best to get him in his jeans without too much whining and complaining. I sort of tuned his carping out as I assisted in his walking, all too gingerly in my opinion, to his horse.
"Need a leg up?"
"Not necessary."
"You know you have had a bad habit of spoiling the mood this week. I truly thought I was going to get laid."
He grabbed the reins in his hands, turned the horse and winced.
"So did I!"