Lean On Me

13 May

Hilly told me where they were... "just around the corner at a place called Frankowitsch," some deli or something. I wandered down that direction, but when I got to the corner I sat down on a curb and fell apart. It wasn't long before I heard brakes hit hard, a door slam shut and strong arms wrapped around me setting me gently into the SUV. Then warm, caring hands wiped tears off my face and pulled me into a strong, panicked chest.

"This was a bad idea."

"It was necessary."

"It could have waited. We'd have managed."

I pulled back a little and caught his eyes.

"No, I had to do it now."

He ran a hand through my hair and pulled me back into him as Hilly started us back towards Harry's.

"I'll trust your judgment it was the right moment to do so."

I wrapped myself around him and stayed that way the short ride back to the flat, but it wasn't enough. I knew we would have to talk, but it wasn't Colin I wanted to talk to right now. Perhaps later I would, but right now I needed Hilly more. He helped me out, but I didn't take steps to head inside. Instead I went to the front passenger door and let go of his hand.

"Colin, go ahead. We're going for a drive."

"You need to rest."
"I'll rest later. Please, don't ask. We won't be long."

I looked in at Hilly who shook her head knowingly, then reached up and kissed his cheek.

"Promise. A couple hours at most."

I think he understood my present need and backed away from the SUV, but stood there as I got in the front seat. He waved as we pulled away.

"I'll have dinner when you get back."

Then he turned and went inside as Hilly took my hand.

"Where to?"

"I don't know, Hill, one place is a good as the next."

"Not the city park I imagine."

"No, right."

"Not Schlossberg. You're not climbing."

"Okay."

I put my head back against the rest and closed my eyes. I was trying to keep from falling to pieces. I was trying to contain the headache that was starting. I was not wanting to have to take anything more for pain. It was too soon and the most pain I had right now was not in my head anyway. I felt the SUV slowing down and a hand brush up against my arm.

"Here, take this. You can manage carrying a pocket pack of tissues can't you?"

I shook my head, grabbed the packet and stuffed it into my pocket.

"Come on, let's walk."

Hilly had pulled along the street, amazingly finding a spot to park, in the north end of the city, near Schlossberg, but on the opposite bank along the Mur. I got out and headed for the trees and the riverbank. This was likely the best place for us to be right now. I shoved my hands in my pockets as we started to walk. There was a lot I wanted to say and a lot I didn't. I think she knew this, but didn't push. I wanted to tell her what happened at Zeit, but I wasn't ready, not right away. It had only been about thirty minutes. My world had been torn slightly and I felt it was going to take a longer time to heal than my stitched head. I kicked a small rock with my foot, pulled out a cigarette and stared across the river to the other side.

"I've a stalker Hill."

"You're not supposed to be smoking, Di."

"Did you hear me?"

"I heard you, but I have something I think you need to look into first."

"I don't need anything else to deal with Hill, not now."

"I think you'll want to hear this one. It's about Colin."

"I said.... nothing more."

I stopped and turned to look at her.

"My having a stalker isn't important?"

"I didn't say that, it's just, we're leaving here next week. Your stalker isn't going to follow you to Cannes. Colin is. Well, we're following him. And put that cigarette out."

"Pot calling the kettle black, Hill?"

I snatched the cigarette from between her fingers, threw it on the ground and stubbed it out.

"I'm allowed to smoke.  I did not have a ceiling fall down on me."

"You can be such a bitch!"

"Yes, it's part of my charm and why you love me!"

Diane laughed out loud and shoved me slightly with her shoulder. Then we linked arms and walked a few paces... just being together. 

"But really Di, about Colin. When you see Dr. Hirsch, ask him for a referral. A doctor that maybe can take a look-see at Colin's um.... plumbing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I think Colin has some sort of problem. When we were at the deli, every time I turned around he was gone. When he came back his excuse was he had to use the Gents. Jeez, Di, I never had to pee that much when I was nine months pregnant."

"Ah... Hilly, how many times?"

"What?"

"How many times was Colin in the loo?"

"At least three. Yea... it was at least three times."

"I saw my stalker three times."

That proverbial light bulb illuminated simultaneously between Diane and I.

"Well, now that makes even more sense, Di. He was out of breath every time. I remember thinking, how strenuous is that loo?"

Diane and I had a good long laugh over that. Then she got deadly serious and had a little trouble breathing.

"Hilly, I think I need to sit down."

"I see some benches. Give me your arm."

We got ourselves settled and this time I did not pluck the cigarette she lit from her and I lit one of my own.

"Why did you wait so long, Hill? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

I leaned forward with my hands between my knees flicking ashes, that weren't even there yet, off the end of my cigarette; waiting for Hilly to tell me. I could hear the hesitation in her voice.

"I thought he'd get a grip and come to his senses. We were back in Austin. After almost a year... well, I thought he'd regain his common sense."

"What did I do? Did I ever do anything I hadn't done with Jack, or Jess or..."

She grabbed for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Don't go there Di. You shouldn't even have to dwell on it."

I dropped my cigarette and sat up, staring out to see if the river was still visible.

"I hate what I just did. I hate that he's been such a part of my life and now it's all gone."

"How did he take it?"

"Like a gentleman."

"What did he say? Forget it, you don't have to tell me."

"No, it's okay. He said he was sorry."

"And?"

"And nothing. He didn't interrupt hardly at all and that was it."

"So typically Ken."

"Yeah."

I knew she was feeling the same thing I was. I also knew she was matching me with tears tumbling down our respective cheeks. She tossed her cigarette and sat back, pursing her lips.

"Damn him, Diane. Why did he have to fuck this all up?"

"I thought you were pissed off at him, now you're not?"

"I never was, not really, not in the way you all must have thought."

"I know. It's the same way I'm feeling too. He was a great friend. He was so much fun. He was there for us and..... "

"And now we've lost all that, haven't we?"

I sat back to join her and locked our hands again.

"Yes, we have... all of us. So now...."

"Right, now we have to put something else behind us and move on. It won't be so easy as it sounds, or as it has been before."

I shook my head in total agreement. We got up, put our used cigarette butts in a trash can and made our way back to our car. It was going to be one more thing to conquer. I think we had both - a long time ago - come to the realization that there would always be highs and lows in this business but I sensed we never really expected such utter regret.