It's Never Easy

10 August

There's the distinct possibility that I'd behaved like a complete wanker the last time I saw Diane in Los Angeles. I had thought we'd gotten beyond the tempering of allowing any sort of affinity to be addressed in public. I knew she was less than happy about my taking the opportunity presented on that stage, but it was too enticing a thing to pass up. Wasn't it? I hadn't been allowed to do that even in private and here we were being prodded on to do just what I wanted to attempt the moment I'd seen her in the lobby. Very few people in the whole of this would have any authentic idea that it wasn't a put on for the cameras and the crowd. An audience appeaser. I'd gotten my dressing down here more than once upon my return. Hardly unexpected if one had been thinking logically and rationally and with the right piece of one's anatomy. I hadn't been at the moment, I'll freely admit to it. The more times I think on it the more I am convinced all was right again. I have come to know her too well. If she had wanted to walk out of that dressing room and not taken a turn on the wild side with me she very well would have. In a split second she would have said no and in a most emphatic manner. There would be no question about it. If nothing else she speaks her mind.

So I find myself, at times, taking a walk out here, beyond where I should be. It's not that I'm unhappy with where I am and with whom. This is my life. I love my life. Who could want for more than I have at the moment? It all becomes a bit absurd to imagine I'd want any more than I have. I don't believe one could ask for more than I have. I love my profession. I can take or leave any particular film I choose. I have that control. I can say yes I'll do this one or that one and I can almost dictate when I'm available for the most part. I can travel with my family and be away from it all as I choose. Isn't that so? I'm away from the world that always wants a piece of me, yet I can find the time and energy to give back in a small way too.

I've my family, my friends, my life and a place I call home in more than one country. And if I'd never been in that park that day I tend to feel I wouldn't be cognizant of anything lacking. I try to recall if I felt so before that time and I can't truly answer. I may have been, but it's too long a time ago to ponder. Not that I never was of a mind to not window shop. Men do that all their lives. It's inherent. That it happened I can't go back and change and apparently what goes awry is not so easily fixed. I can say unequivocally, I've no desire to go back and change that part. I've grow accustomed to accepting it was dictated that it occur and we've some mysterious path to follow we've no control over. I do believe what is controllable is in the handling of the varied circumstances we find ourselves. This is what I take the time to go over repeatedly in my head. This last time I completely fucked up. Hilary had been right. I'd found myself in a state of outrage that our time had been interrupted. I handled the whole thing quite badly. Having walked out only added to a childish tantrum. No sighs of maturity in that action and made this more of a mess than it need have been. She also added the insight that I hadn't, heretofore, been in that situation. The shoe had always been on the other foot, in mixed couples company. I now had experienced that pain. It was very hard to cope with, though Diane had done so several times and she hadn't walked out, had she? No. Perhaps the stronger person.

The only conclusion I can draw from all of this is to get my head right and let her know I've regained my senses. I haven't even taken the time to form an apology, let alone give her one. It's been eight weeks and I've been unable to formulate any dialog to allow her the knowledge of my repentant state; though I imagine she, as I, has returned to her world, what was set for us to do. And she is most likely enjoying her life as I truly am mine.

"Colin? Lei ha errato via ancora vedo. Venire, la cena è pronta. Tutta la famiglia qui l'aspettano già."

("Colin? You have wandered off again I see. Come, dinner is ready. All of the family are already here waiting for you.")

"Spiacente, la madre. Sarò lí momentaneamente."

("Sorry, mother. I'll be there momentarily.")

I looked up at the clouds rolling by, knowing I needed to contact Diane, very soon. But I wouldn't dwell. As I walked back I found a tree that called to me as being familiar, yet too far away to be. I put my hand on the trunk for a moment then walked on.